Thursday, October 28, 2010

Morning Mail - 10.28.10

Seth: Dude, just fuckin' listen ok. Jules and her stupid f*ckin' friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to f*ck me, she wants my d*ck in and around her mouth.
Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your d*ck?
Seth: No, she's got an older brother and she could've asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said 'Seth, Momma's making a pubi salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing.' She's D.T.F. - down to f*ck man. P and Vagi, she wants to
[kicks soccer ball]
Seth: f*ck man! Tonight is a night that f*cking is an actual possibility.
Evan: You just sound like an idiot, you're not gonna be able to sleep with her man.
Seth: No... dude, I don't want to talk a lot of sh*t OK. But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks hand job, month blow job, whatever whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Evan: K can you just get out of hear and we'll talk about this later?
Greg the Soccer Player: What the f*ck Evan we're down two points!
Evan: Fuckin' calm down Greg, it's soccer, it's soccer.
Greg the Soccer Player: Fuck you man.
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like eight years ago asshole.
Seth: People don't forget.
[turning back to Evan]
Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becka! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as highschool people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becka in coming up with this plan.
Evan: I should buy Becka alcohol?
Evan: Yeah, man that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like 'ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn't have fucked that guy,' we could be that mistake!
(Source: Superbad)

Men think that everyone wants to sleep with them.

Women think they are complicated, but they have no idea. Have you ever heard a guy explain why he’s convinced that some lady wants to sleep with him? Man, I’ve heard intricate plots, down to the, “she was giving me the eye.” I’m not sure what this eye is. Sometimes, she just messed up plucking her eyebrows and now it looks like she’s giving everyone the eye. For me, I don’t believe that a chick wants to sleep with me until she says so. Let this be a lesson to all women. Not to make light of the situation, but if we are going to leave this up to a look or flip of the hair, you can’t be made at men who just whip out their Johnsons mid-conversation.

Act like you have somewhere to go.

There is nothing more frustrating that people who stand on the left side of the escalator in the morning. Like, MOVE! Why are you just standing there? They are like those weekend drivers, who are just going for a drive. Who does that? Let’s get in the car and burn up some gas just driving around the city real real real slow.

Are you the type who looks for every opportunity to save, or to avoid work you’ll spend the money?

I’m like that person who is not reaching for my wallet unless I have to. Yes, remind me to show you the video of me and my roommate going to Giant with a bucket of quarters to go grocery shopping. That money good too. Like and I never throw something away until I replace it. I’d rather have something that half works than nothing at all. Seriously. I’m not cheap by any means, but I just don’t agree with blowing money all crazy because of laziness. Here’s the test of will with cheapness; Do you always look for an ATM of the bank you belong to (If you don’t have wack ass PNC)? I used to didn’t, then I realized that you pay that bank to use their ATM like $2-3, and then you pay your bank $2. Shooooooot, I’ll walk around for ten minutes to find that Bank of America.


SaneN85 said...

I stay not getting cash because my bank locations (and ATM locations) are too far. I will only use other ATMs in the event of a mild emergency.

Lola said...

Hahahaha it's not being cheap its called being thrifty and smart... maybe a lil frugal... ok, fine you cheap! Lol

Marvie said...

Oh. My. God. I hate and I mean HATE it when people stand on both sides of the escalator. I really want to be a b$tch and explain escalator etiquette to these people but I also dont want to get my a## kicked before work. Nice to know I'm not the only one.