Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I’m her ANTI: Everything She Doesn't Want

It’s no secret that sometimes women find me attractive. It’s not just because of how I look but because of how I think as well. I have immaculate attention to detail and when I’m not paying too much detail that’s on purpose. I do it so that she can’t quite figure out why I’m able to turn her on but forget such an integral part of it all. How come you know the answer but when I check your work it’s wrong? I think that it’s because I’m a student of the anti. What is the anti? The anti is the exact opposite of you, or opposite of everything you find attractive.

Who knows why women are attracted to the things that are attracted to. It’s a question I’m sure most people spend too much time worrying about. She may be attracted to a guy who treats her like a princess, but her anti is the guy who treats her like a frog. When a woman is so used to being treated a certain way treating her the exact opposite becomes her challenge. We all like a challenge, a fight, a battle, an accomplishment. I like them too. Men like women they can control, submissive, predictable and vulnerable. But introduce a man to a woman that he can’t control or figure out and it drives him wild. He’s hooked and he can’t figure out why.

Hypothetically, I wonder why this girl is attracted to me. She gives me that look, the one where she looks into my eyes and tries to figure out what I’m thinking next so that she can figure out my patterns and make a guess as to my sense of logic or thought process. I realize that she is a control freak. She is also the type of person who likes to walk over her men and tell them what to do on her schedule. She says, “I am the princess and you must treat me like a princess. If the princess would like strawberries, go find strawberries. And this is the way the world works.”

My reply, “Shut up and sit down.”

She should be offended, but she’s not. She’s intrigued because most guys always give her what she wants. They will persevere through rain, sleet or snow to find strawberries. As for me, she will wait until I get good and ready to go find some strawberries. In fact, most of her tantrums end with being shut down. When she wants to stand, I tell her to sit and be quiet. When she wants to stay, I tell her it’s time to leave. When she says she likes to be treated like a lady in bed, I treat her like a prostitute. And I am consistent and unwavering.

She likes spontaneity but this reaction, the exact opposite of what she has always gotten intrigues her and causes her to wonder why. I’ve gone from being an open book to a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that she can’t take her eyes off. I’ve begun to tame the shrew.

And to think it all began with, “Shut up and sit down.”

But this isn’t so different than when you find that a girl can’t leave that guy who won’t treat her right alone. He’s her anti. He’s everything she doesn’t want in a guy, but everything she wants to defeat. As much as men try to tame the shrew, women want to tame their beast. I’ve had my fair share on anti’s. I used to only go after the girl that everyone said wouldn’t give me the time of day. “She doesn’t give out her number; you don’t have a chance.” That was my type. I’d get that look in my eyes similar to the scene from the “Best Man” when Quentin goes after Shelby after she fights off the garter. I’d like to think I always got mine.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Calling me like everything is cool

I have to admit that it’s slightly a bother when you haven’t spoken to someone in a few months and they call you out of the blue. Especially because there are so many reasons why someone falls out of contact with another person. For me, I’m not necessarily always going to be the type of guy who tells you about yourself before I make the decision to stop talking to you. In my opinion, if I notice that I don’t really care about you anymore or you’ve done something that has lead me to decide against maintaining communication with you, I may just never call you back or reach out to you.

But then I think that the other person figures out that they haven’t heard from me or I haven’t been “online.” That’s usually when they attempt to reach out, they may send a text. I actually like text messages because they are easy to ignore. They may call. I hate when people call because I never know why a person is calling so I try and pick up unless I’m positive I know the nature of their call.

Do you ever have those moments when your phone rings and you look at whose calling and try and guess what they’re calling about? I do. If I can tell why a person is calling, I’m likely to not pick up. I also, only give a person but so many times of wasting my time in a conversation before I start to ignore their calls too. My goal of 2010 is to be about my business. That has meant that for me, I’ve begun to put the phone down more and focus more on other things. I’m more focused at work and outside of work than I ever have been. The best way to reach me is via email or text, but when a person calls I’m always like, “What do they want?” And being the nice person I am I pick up.

And that’s when the awkwardness starts. The phone rings and it goes like this:

Me: hello
Her: hey, what’s up?
Me: nothing much, how are you?
Her: I’m good, what are you up to?
Me: Um… nothing.
Her: Oh well tell me what’s new.
Me: Awkward silence.

I realize that sometimes people just want to touch base because they feel like out of touch, but I mean if there was a clear reason for why we are not talking anymore, this call is a waste of time. If a person is interested in keeping in touch with you, they make an effort not to let it go abruptly or for so long. (I’m going to give you some advice about phone calls. If you call someone and they ask, “Who’s this?” That’s probably a good sign you shouldn’t be on the phone.)

So now I’m trying to figure out how to get off the phone without being an ass. I usually try a few things. I’m either busy at the moment and will have to call back later. (I ain’t calling back.) I let the person talk until they realize that they are the only one talking. And then they get off the phone on their own. My very favorite is to turn the volume up on everything that’s around me, TV, radio, EVERYTHING. This makes them feel like they’re interrupting me and then they let me go. I can then apologize for being busy and tell them it was nice to hear from them.

All this to say, I think when people call you and it’s completely out of the blue, it’s moments like those that really bother a person and make them feel weird. In other words, “EEK!”

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Here’s how Dr. J sees Lent

It’s Fat Tuesday and tomorrow morning some will begin the 40 day oath of Lent. Me personally, I don’t celebrate Lent. I don’t see the point, I’m not religious enough to sit down and do that. I mean the thought that you are going to give up alcohol, but you will still go out and try and jump off with chicks just seems counterproductive to me. But what can I say? People will do it, they will try and for 40 days give up something, or at least say they did. So here’s my unsolicited opinion on how to approach Lent if you truly see some value in this day. The whole angle I’m trying to push here is, listen man, don’t go jumping in ice water.

I have a friend who is infamous for giving up alcohol for Lent. I always think this is just dumb, what are you going to do when you have a bad day, or just want to let loose for a night. So I recommend picking a type of something and taking that out. For example, I replied to him, “I can’t stop alcohol altogether, what about, just giving up liquor… Uh no… What about just a type of alcohol? I’ll give up Hennessey.” He of course said that was too easy, and we settled that I would give up Jack Daniels. And I actually for 40 days didn’t drink Jack Daniels, a big feat for me, since that’s been my drink of choice since 2003.

Budget your Lent. Here’s another way to look at it. Break your Lent into four 10-day terms, in which you will give something up for those ten days. So now you can give up four things for Lent. So how about you give up, fast food, sex, alcohol, and weed for ten days each. Seems farfetched, but this is something that can work and isn’t so unrealistic you end up having to lie about breaking your oath.

My last advice is to just give up absolutely nothing and indulge for the 40 days. To be honest, it only balances the scale, for every beer that your friend doesn’t drink, you can drink two. The great circle of life. If your boy is going to give up having sex with jumpoffs, then it’s ok that you try and have a threesome.

My other advice about Lent is don’t let what you do during this period screw up the other 325 days in a year. It’s 40 days out of the year. Also, keep in mind that Jesus and God never intended for any of us to do something stupid to prove our faith. So if you’ve decided to fast for 40 days except for bread and water, don’t end up in the hospital on account of God. And with that, let’s enjoy Fat Tuesday! Everybooooooody, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Words Women Say

Everyone knows that when a woman says, “I’m fine” they really don’t mean it. And if they say, “Don’t worry about it” they really mean, “I’ll take care of it.” However, do we really know what women mean when they say what they say to us? I mean we all realize that men and women speak very different languages. You know, Venus vs. Mars? Well, I’m going to spill the beans on four important terms you need to know about your woman.

1. If your chick said she, “snuggled or cuddled” or cuddled with someone, that’s to be interpreted as spooning with stroking. Now if she says to you, “He was my cuddle buddy, but nothing ever happened” you should probably drop her. That’s almost as bad as, “my dog ate my homework.”

2. Now if you ask your chick about a guy and she says anything involving the word, “interesting.” It is INTERESTING. Meaning they probably used to sleep together under some shady circumstances. Expect a story along these lines, “Well, my homegirl liked him, but he was really into me. Since she was my roommate we had to keep it on the low.”

3. I hate when a girl says, “I’m sure I’ve been somebody’s jumpoff.” You know damn well you were a jumpoff when you was doing jumpoff behavior. If a dude only calls you for sex and doesn’t ever suggest taking you out in public. You’re his jumpoff. Now let me caveat this and add, some women don’t mind having this type of relationship. However, women got to recognize real and be real, you were a jumpoff. And that’s okay, you gotta do what you gotta do.

4. “Hooked up.” Everyone as far as the negrodom reaches has wondered what this means. It means they slept together. Deductive reasoning here, (look it up dummies); if she kissed him, she would say we kissed, if she made out of with him, she would say we made out, and so on and so forth. That leads you to the final result, she just doesn’t want to say, “we had sex.” She probably doesn’t want you to know that she is capable of having sex with a guy and there not being a relationship or even a second time. The majority of women have “hooked up” before. #kanyeshrug.

Now here’s what’s going to happen, a few of you are going to say, when I say I cuddled with a guy I meant just that we cuddled. But never the less, I’m interested to hear what you guys have to say on the topic.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Open Letter to My Sisters, by April Rogerson

My homegirl posted this on her site and I thought it was a great read. I have to admit, every woman in a relationship was like this to me. It kind of made me believe that the author must have a little Dominican in her, but um... let's not go there.

Written by the most phenomenol April Gross-Rogerson! Enjoy ladies!!! I know it's long but trust me it is worth it! I broke it up a bit because I know you guys see too much type together and start to glaze!

Ok so i've been hearing this just about everyday either on television or in print. Each and everyday there is some black woman moaning about the no good men/man she encounters or is dealing with.

Why she is higher and better than all the black men available and how they need to do better. Then the 20/20 piece speaking to African American women who are not willing to "settle." I feel compelled to speak on this.

I am a happily (most times) married black woman (and that is not without its ups and downs) and have found that we as black women do not want to accept our responsibility in what is going wrong in relationships/marriages and why they're not working. (POW! Carrie's 2 cents)

Far too often we beat our chest and say that we are not settling, sounds good to all our ears but is not reality. You will need to settle in some form or fashion because there is no perfect man/person out there, and we ourselves are not perfect. Yes our men have issues, yes they have some growing up to do, yes they have to learn how to be good husbands, fathers, and lovers for us. But our men have made great strides and we continue to beat them down and say how much they aren't doing enough. (Preach April!!!)

I have learned in my marriage to praise my husband and hold him up for even the most minor things. I make him dinner, serve his plate, and within our household try to make sure I am treating him like a "man". I try my best to make him feel loved, valued, and appreciated. Do you think my husband feels I am any less educated, intelligent, strong, sassy, and all the other "qualities" us as black women have come to love and signifies us?

When I explain this to both my married and unmarried friends, the overwhelming response I get is "I'm not praising him for something he's supposed to do! - I am not raising no boys! - "I'm not his maid!" This is what most men want/need. One day my sister-in-law did a status update saying how great her husband was one morning for helping her out with an issue with their child. I wasn't shocked by the amount of women that responded "that is what he's supposed to do". Really?!?

BUT When any of us make a status update about all that we've done on any paticular morning/day for our families, we get a parade of "superwoman" "you go girl" catch phrases. I had an older woman who asked me (trying to get some handle on the state of young black relationships) "When did it become a problem to take care of your mate??" I did not have an answer for her.

As for us women, I think one of the problems is that we have taken great strides to become great women in our careers and motherhood, but I think success in those areas does not necessarily lend itself to being a successful WIFE.

Women, we are our own worst enemies. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! my 2 cents again)

Whenever you have a girlfriend come to you with a problem she had in her relationship or date, most of us will not call that woman on the carpet and ask her what she may have done to ellicit that response from her significant other/date. Most times they will be patted on the back and told "Good riddance girl! - "He wasnt the one for you" - "Oh no don't deal with that, you deserve better!"- "Kick him to the curb" and the like.

Most of the women who are great in their careers and great mothers think they are a fabulous catch for any man and dont see how he could resist marrying her.

Do you make him feel like you need him - or do you let him know everyday and every way how much you can and have been doing things on your own? Do you tell/show him you appreciate the father he is - or do you do a check list of the things he doesnt do? How are we as women striving to help each other be better spouses thereby creating better homes and futures for our children? Have we learned how to be happier more amicable and loving towards our spouse, even when we're mad?

I have been with my husband for 14 years and trust me we have been through hell. He has not always been a good mate to me. But I also had to start to look at myself and start making changes within me and hope that led to positive changes within him. I was angry, I was hurt, I felt betrayed, but I stayed. When I made a decision to see our marriage/relationship through, I realized I was always angry and looking at him sideways.

Literally one day I decided to be happy.

Whether he was doing things to make me happy or not.

I began to talk to him and treat him in a loving way. What I found was, although I had a right to be angry, didnt mean that it was RIGHT to be angry - forever. Most of us are angry, we wont admit it to ourselves, or each other, but we are. Our men have been listening to angry black women all their life - their mothers, grandmothers, aunties, sisters...on and on. Why do you think he wants to listen to your angry-ness non-stop? How many of us fall on the crutch of being a "strong black woman" "HE JUST CANT HANDLE A STRONG BLACK WOMAN" never thinking that...

maybe - just maybe, YOUR ASS IS A LITTLE TOO DAMN STRONG AND NEED TO TONE IT DOWN A BIT! We say our men don't have any examples of how to be a good husband, however, many of us don't have good examples of how to be a good wife EITHER . We have watched our mothers, grandmas, aunties and such run their men right out the house with their mouths and actions. Rarely do any of the women in our lives sit us down and say "dont be like me, I didnt respect and appreciate your father, I ran him out and I dont want that for you".

Be a woman of virtue, loving, loyal, and appreciative, you'll be surprised how much your personal life/relationships can change. Deal with your baggage and issues - we all have them - figure out how to exist in the dating world while working through them. We are all looking for this great man. There are very few great men out there (if there are any).

My advice, find a DECENT MAN. Sometimes he will be great, there are times where he may be horrible, but most times he will be decent. Also, being a good husband/father is not mutually exclusive. Just because a man drinks doesn't mean he is not a good supportive father to his child (that child may remember him drinking every night but also remembers him being at every baseball game or recital). Just because he gambles doesn't mean he is not a good father or supportive spouse, etc. A man is not a "bad" man because he has a vice. Let he without sin cast the first stone. These are things the man will have to work on and have the support of his wife to be better and do better. I think the question you have to ask yourself, is whether on not you are capable of dealing with whatever your man's vice happens to be.

Believe that this is in no way making excuses for what men do/don't do, but we as women have a lot of power in our words and actions that can make a decent man strive to be a great one. Stop resigning yourself to being a victim of all the horrible, "bad" men out there. There are still decent black men out there (lets face it some of us will never marry a black man just based off the sheer numbers). However, if we continue to delude ourselves that the problem is only the men - and as soon as they get their acts together we will all be better off...we will continue to the be unhappily unmarried.


de-cent - (adj)
1. conforming to the recognized standard of propriety, good taste, modesty, morality.
2. respectable; worthy.
3. adequate; fair; passable.
4. kind; obliging; generous.
5. suitable; appropriate.
6. of fairly attractive appearance


Carrie Pink
Pretty World Inc
Modern Day Supergirl