Monday, February 28, 2011

Five People I’d Rather Watch Host the Oscars

Did you guys see the Oscars last night? I did, but I watched most of the night on mute, so I didn’t catch just how bad the actual show was. However, after looking at the highlights from today, I can say, “Damn, that was pretty bad.” I don’t blame James Franco and Anne Hathaway, they needed better writers and also they are excellent actors in their own right. Their hosting of the Academy Awards is not a reflection on their career. Just probably a bad selection because it really takes skill to host an award show of such grandeur nature. But it got me to think though, who would I rather see how the Oscars? They usually ask a comedian, but to be honest, I don’t want to watch Chris Rock do it, and Dave Chappelle wouldn’t do it. It would be interesting to see Dave up there, high as a kite. I came up with the following criteria for my picks for hosts; I’d be thoroughly entertained and they’re Black. The nominees are:

1) Rosci and Terrence J – I used to watch 106 & Park just to see these two and their horrible chemistry. You can totally tell that they slept together, but Rosci was thinking they would be a hot hollywood couple and Terrence was like, “Um nah…” Either way, they don’t like sharing the camera or the microphone this would have been straight comedy. Rosci and her creation of words and saying that don’t exist. And Terrence storming on and off stage asking for his own spinoff.

2) Allen Payne and Bokeem Woodbine – Have you ever seen Jason’s Lyric? These guys were horribly dysfunctional as brothers? I could see it now. Allen would try and salvage a night of civilization and meanwhile Bokeem would backstage trying to steal the curtains. This would all come to a head when Allen asks Bokeem to pipe down so he can announce the next presenter and Bokeem goes bat shit and starts yelling, “You think I'm stupid?! I ain't in no hurry to go back to that cage! I know no one else around here believes in me, but I always thought that when it came down to it, you would.”

3) Method Man and Redman –
I’m going to be real with you. I actually really think Meth and Redman would do a great job. They actually have a weird ability to crossover without selling out. Of course there would be lots of weed smoking, but if you tell me for one minute you don’t think James Franco was not high as a fucking kite last night, you’re tripping. Meth and Red would have had the crowd saying, “hey… ho…. point at a chick and say, hey… ho….!”

4) Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain – You probably thinking, why would you have these two ignorant fools on stage?! Have you ever seen when Wayne tries to act real smart. He’s actually a genius, but there’s something off about him when he’s got glasses on and his hair braided neatly. I think it has something to do with the platinum fronts. More importantly, ARE YOU READY FOR AUTOTUNE AT THE OSCARS?! “OoooooooOOOooohhh Besssssssssssst Axxxxxxxctress.” - *In the Autotune Voice*.

5) Kanye West – Only because I know that as soon as they gave Billy Crystal that standing ovation, Kanye would have reacted like this; (1) He would have interrupted Billy Crystal’s standing ovation to ask them, why they thought it was cool to front him like that on TV, (2) He would have went backstage and blamed everyone for his weak performance stating that he didn’t have any freedom to be him, and (3) Did you see his interview with Matt Lauer? Do you think there’s anyway to prevent him going off because the producers wouldn’t stop talking in his ear? Oh the possibilities of having a volatile man like Kanye host the Oscars!!! But question, what do you think he would wear?

I’m not the only one who was expecting a surprise guest appearance from Wu-Tang when the choir from Staten Island came out.

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Benefits of Dating Someone Who Didn’t Go To College

Shaun: I have to go to college.
Cindy: Why?
Shaun: Because it's what you do after high school.

(Source: Orange County)

I was giving some dating advice to a close friend of mine because he was dating a girl in the area who didn’t go to college. I told him that at the end of the day it’s not the end of the world, there’s several good things about dating someone who didn’t go to college. But to take a step back and explain something that happens in Washington, DC more than in other areas because of this great thing called the Federal Government. In DC, you can be perfectly fine graduating from high school and getting a good government job. For a lot of women this is the easiest way out of their parents’ house and they take it. The government pays well, has excellent benefits and rewards time in service. Meeting a girl in DC who didn’t go to college ain’t rare.

Anyway, here’s a few benefits to dating someone who didn’t go to college:

Every Couple Does Not Have to be a Power Couple – I know some power couples and it’s not all it’s made up to be. It’s hard work. When you’re dealing with two people who are trying to chase the utmost success you may run into some problems. You have to have someone who leads, not two people fighting to lead.

Not Going to College Doesn’t Mean You’re Stupid - Neither does it mean you can’t be a great parent or spouse. Trust me when I tell you that college has nothing to do with being a mother or father. Although there are statistics that show college educated folks are more likely to be married, doesn’t say anything about how smart a person is.

No Uncomfortable Alumni Events - Every school has those alumni events when everybody meets up, now if your girl went to college you have to go to them. Imagine that feeling of being in a room and being “that guy”. That guy who wifed that girl down, and you know it’s like three dudes who used to smash … in that college way of smashing. Think about that for a second.

Independence – For some reason being independent comes with experience. I think that a person who is earning income starts to learn how to become independent. One thing I find with women who went to college is still that they are in the cycle of going to someone else to have things they want provided for them. You have to go to your parents for money, go to school for education, and so on and so forth. When you’ve been on your own from the age of 17, you’ve got a leg up on everyone who just started at 21.

You told yourself Stats weren’t important – If it’s one thing men hate, it’s women who ask them for their stats. What type of car do you drive? What do you do for a living? Where did you go to school? What city are you from? So when you think about it, you’re relationships should really rock out on the connection that you build without talking about the college you attended, or something you read in your senior thesis project.

I understand that not everyone will vibe with this, but I’ve dated someone who didn’t go to college and I didn’t think it was that bad. In my opinion, the reasons why we are no longer talking have nothing to do with her not going to college. I think that people can come across so uppity when the first thing out their mouth is, “But she didn’t go to college.” I always kind of side eye those people because they probably dated someone who didn’t finish college anyway. Although I’m biased being from the District of Columbia, meaning, I’ve got a bunch of family members who just went straight into the government, I still think it’s worth noting that there are some good things that come from dating a high school graduate.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.24.11

Carl Peterson: What's going on with you and Molly?
Dupree: What?
Carl Peterson: You heard me. Are you in love with my wife?
Dupree: Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about?
Carl Peterson: Dupree. Dupree, just answer the question.
Dupree: Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. I'm not gonna answer... that's a sick question!
Carl Peterson: How come you can't answer it?
Dupree: I'm not going to answer because it doesn't deserve and answer. How could you ask me something like that?
Carl Peterson: You're very clever, Dupree. You're living in my house. You're going to town on yourself in my living room. And now, you're moving in on my wife.
Dupree: What?
Carl Peterson: You think you got it all figured out, but I'm on to you, and you're out of here!
Dupree: Oh, no. Hold on. You're not throwing me out of here. I'll leave!
Carl Peterson: Good! And while you're at it, leave the flask and the groomsman's outfit.
Dupree: But you gave those to me. Those were gifts.
Carl Peterson: All right! You know, keep those. But leave the insignia, because that was for my best man.
(Source: You, Me and Dupree)

I hate when you ask a person a question and they just don’t answer the question. Just answer the question. We asked my friend where he was one time and he replied, “I’m in the city where the skinny n*ggas die and the fat people eat them.” Exactly, no one had a clue what he meant. He actually meant Philly, but just answer the question. I’m also the type of person who asks very good questions. This is because I think about what I say before I say it. So don’t get offended when you answer one of my questions with an explanation and not an answer and I say, “that was a binary question; yes or no.”

Do you have a friend like Dupree? A friend who just shows up and overstays their welcome. In the old crib, I felt like I had several. There’s nothing like having this situation on your hands...

Carl Peterson: Dupree, what you did in our bathroom last night was disgusting. Molly nearly passed out.
Dupree: I know, I know. Believe me. I'm never eating Buffalo wings again. I don't care how much I love them. I'm off them.
(Source: You, Me and Dupree)

None the less, I’ve been over at Single Black Male lately, writing my ass off about: Ten Things Black Folk Need to Change Right Away. Today is the last installment, please check that out. Here are the other links too:

Ignorance -
Leading by Example -
Today’s Post, Righting Our Wrongs -

In conclusion, I’m so tired of sneezing this week.

Are we still recording? Let's go to Applebee's, i'm hungry than a motherf*cker.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.23.11

Andrew Paxton: Three days ago, I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo. Even when you checked me out when we were naked. But I didn't realize any of this, until I was standing alone... in a barn... wifeless. Now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country. So Margaret, marry me, because I'd like to date you.
(Source: The Proposal)

"Marry me, because i'd like to date you." How many people still go on dates with their significant other or spouse? I never want to lose that feeling of dating someone for as long as i'm with them. That's the type of motivation I want to have with them forever.

I love this movie. Not that I could see myself in that exact situation, but I don’t find dating older women to be that bad. The only thing that concerns me is that, well let me say it this way. If you’ve seen that movie then you’ve seen Sandra Bullock almost butterball naked. SHE LOOKS GOOD. And for that reason, if a woman really wants to stay on top of her health and not let it slip, well she can look like that at Sandra’s age. The problem is this she’s 20 years older than me. So that means when I’m 45 and she’s 65, it’s going to be harder for her to keep up. Welp, they say black don’t crack.

Good morning all. I have truly missed the Morning Mail. It was a hectic weekend and I have stories to share, but I wanted to let you know that I’m under the weather so this post is almost as hard as Jordan playing a NBA Finals game with the flu.

Carmelo Anthony is a New York Knick. Thankfully this saga is over.

When you realize that you’re just not like other people. I think that we go through stages in our lives. We go through a stage where we all want to be the same, and then a stage where we strive to be so different, then we go through another stage of wanting to conform, and then at a certain point in your development you start to notice that you are just different than other people.

I realized this because as much as I try to chill sometimes, when it comes to my friends and things I disagree about I just cannot stop being a complete over reactor. I have that Kanye outburst at least once a week. I’m from the thought that if you don’t get mad at some thing, then what will you get mad at. And some people just never want to get upset or lose their emotions so they choose ignorance or hide behind defense mechanisms like, “It’s not that serious.”

That’s how only 44% of Black people supported what Martin Luther King was doing, but 100% of them benefit from it now.

I feel bad for people who only friends on the internet. They be like very defensive of their friends on the internet and it’s funny. They also affirm themselves in things on the internet that people don’t really care about in real life. I think it should be clear to everyone that there is a big difference between your friends on twitter and the people you follow on twitter. Next time someone asks you why you looked at your phone and started laughing, be clear … “Oh it’s just someone I follow on Twitter.” You do not have 350 friends on Twitter, you probably don’t have 350 friends in real life.

What about those girls who made their fat friend pay more for the hotel room in Los Angeles this weekend?!

You ever had to send a text message to your family member or friend and it had one word in it?


Life is good. God is good.

I think it’s better to overreact than underreact.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.18.11

Anna: We do everything that people who have sex do!
Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!
Larry: That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.
(Source: Closer)

Darius: I learned a long time ago to never ask a question you don't want the answer to.
(Source: Love Jones)

Closer was the most tragic movie I had ever seen when it came out. I sat in the movie theater after the credits rolled staring at the screen just wondering, could this happen to me? I mean, it’s a perfect example of why you should never dip out, but it’s also a perfect example that people cheat. Yes, we are slaves to our carnal desires. I believe that you either trap them, suppress them, or you downright just desensitize your libido. But believe me on this, the average libido just can’t stay faithful. That got me to thinking about my sex drive and while I won’t say it fell off, it’s not the same as when I was 18. If I had that same sex drive now, with this income and conversational skills, man…

Also, you ever have that point when you want to ask a woman like what went wrong? Yeah, not me. I purposely just removed myself from a relationship just because I didn’t want to have that conversation. Yep, I gave a woman full permission to not even count me in her relationship history. In my opinion, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”

She said, “It tastes like you but sweeter!” Not only did she say that, she exclaimed that.

Holiday weekend in Washington, DC. I got this feeling that Stadium on Saturday is going to be a movie. That’s why I’ll probably be at home, sleep. The key to a holiday weekend in a city in which the federal government resides … make it to Sunday. Likely, most people went in last night and woke up hungover. Now those same people have friends coming into town and they gonna go out tonight. Like maybe The Park, even though you might get stabbed, but they gonna wake up on Saturday … hungover. Now you would think that would stop them, but their solution is going to be brunch and there will be mimosas and your body’s denial that it needs rest. Brings you to Sunday and that’s why your body tells you somewhere around 8PM, “Listen mofo, you not gonna make it.”

There are some people who have the inexplicable ability to never say no. Well, I’ve learned how to deal with those people. Like back in the day, I used to be the biggest pessimist in the world. I just straight up never expected things to work out in my favor. So then people told me to stop that, it wasn’t good for my mental health. So I started to have faith in people again. Well … that leads me to my strong disdain for people who flake. Anyway, so there are people who can’t say no. They just hate doing it. For some reason I’m supposed to be, allegedly, indecisive because of my zodiac sign. However, I was blessed enough to be an only child, so I may not be able to tell you what I want, but I have no problems telling you what I don’t want. So it baffles me when a person just doesn’t say no. So I fixed that, I started just starting assuming that if you didn’t say yes, then you meant no.

And I hate waiting.

Here are some things you shouldn’t say to a woman when she tells you she’s pregnant:
“You blowing up, that’s good, fantastic.”

Totally unrelated to that, but funny as hell… what happens if you used to be with a girl and her kid has her lips? That’s got to be the funniest shit ever. Like, those lips used to be … LMAO. Nah, let me stop. Congratulations to all those who are pregnant, whether they used to or didn’t used to be with me. Good luck. Doesn’t it suck when you find out it’s 40 weeks and not 36?

I’m famous for this, “Given my circumstances, the best I could possibly be.” I use it to describe how I am, and it’s perfect. But also in response to this question, “Do you have any kids?” I always say, “To my knowledge, no. But who really knows?” People get a little thrown off, but I know way too many dudes who found out they had kids after they had kids. #seewhatididthere

It’s about to be hot and stuff in DC today. And it looks like I’m wearing this outfit tomorrow night.


Life is good. God is good.

K Street is the BOMB.

Baby Jackson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A few words to think about...

I've had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.A dizzy twister dance
Can't find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.
What's going on on the floor?
I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore.
Keep it cool what's the name of this club?
I can't remember but it's alright, alright.
(Source: Just Dace - Lady Gaga)

We've all been there before...

The Morning Mail will be back tomorrow, i've been travelling and as always, i'm on my grind son.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.14.11

Emma: Congrats? For what, having sex with you?
Adam: You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

(Source: No Strings Attached)

I’ve never given a balloon, but I have given hi-fives for great sex.

This weekend I had the pleasure of seeing No Strings Attached and despite the fact that none of you told me Natalie Portman was pregnant, I really liked the movie. Emotionally, I’m not going to be able to see another Natalie Portman movie with her crying again for a while. No homo. LOL. Anyway, I think I’ll go and watch The Other Boelyn Girl again. That’s one of my favorite movies of hers.

If you were expecting some introspective post about myself and Valentine's Day today, well that's just not going to happen. I don't like the hype, but i'm not one of those people who is a Scrooge. All those people who tell you, it's a commercial holiday or it doesn't really mean anything. Look at them and say, "My pastor told me to pray for haters, they just need love."

There are so many depressed people in this world. I’m not sure what to do with them sometimes. I know that I wrote about this some time ago, but I still have friends who are depressed who insist on making my life a living hell just because theirs is a living hell. That’s wack, and I can’t be involved. I know that people think it’s messed up when you leave a person in their time of need, but sometimes you have to decide what you will and won’t subject yourself to. No pity parties allowed.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in Syracuse, NY at Syracuse University to speak on How to Survive College Relationships. This is the first stop of’s Chivalry is Dead Tour. If you’d like for us to come to your campus or city to do an event, holla.

60 degrees in the District today.

For the longest I’ve always said I hate going places where people frisk at. It always scares me when I see a metal detector or get the pat down. I, in fact, always ask, “Wait, let me see the guestlist, who the hell did you invite that might have a knife or gun?” Back in the day, I also used to tip the bouncers to avoid that pat down. It’s just so invasive. Well … looks like The Park is about to have the ill pat down as two people got stabbed Friday after the club. I’m not going to Park if they are going to pat me down.

Californication is getting real introspective this season. Sasha Bingham is pretty awesome though, but she has that look like her weight fluctuates. Dead ass, there’s a girl, I would show you her picture but a lot of my friends read my blog and would tell her and being that she’s about to get married it ain’t right. Anyway, the first day I met her, I was going at it like at it. Bought her a bottle and everything, followed that joint up with that brunch too. Let me stop before I help some noodle learn how to get somewhere with women. So I told my boy about her and he ruined it with one line, “Yeah, I mean, I was looking at her Facebook pictures and it just seems like her weight fluctuates too much.” Being as though me and two of my closest friends have the almost exact same type, I had to go and find out for myself. All that to say, she’s getting married. And she’s perfect in every way, but my friend messed it all up.

I’m the same guy who thought a girl had too much space between her eyes.

Why do women wear leggings or tight pants and then put on boy shorts? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Like are you sporting your underwear like they are a part of your outfit. Looks like a diaper to me. I hate that ish the most. You know what else? I agree with my homie, those American Apparel ads are straight porno. Check out the ad right here:

Who wants to be with someone that no one else wants to be with? I think part of the deal is that you want someone that is in demand right? At least that’s what I think. Then why do women trip out when other women flirt with you? I don’t get it. In my opinion it’s what I do about it. I get stared at a lot when I go out, and I get looks. And because I’m an absolute nut when I go out, I have a tendency to catch women looking at me and then I laugh. They interpret that as a smile. Not my fault.

Nine times out of ten, it’s a big body Benz, with a real [negro] in it, ride if you want to win… I’m getting face, I’m getting face, I’m getting face, I’m getting face…

Ain’t got shit to do with this, but I just thought that I should mention.

Lil’ Wayne tickets on sale on Friday, but I got that presale link for Thursday.

You ever have someone who is mad at you because you haven’t called them? However, do you notice that the phone works both ways? I just wish that most people understood that. But then there are some people who will insist that you call them all the time. I be telling y’all, I can tell a lot about the people you deal with by the way you deal with them.

Holiday weekend coming up for DC. And you know nobody does that Monday off like DC…

With that said, let’s get it.

God is good. Life is good

Friday, February 11, 2011

Afternoon Mail - 2.11.11

Jake Shuttlesworth: I pray you understand why I pushed you so hard! It was only to get you to that next level, Son. I mean, you's the first Shuttlesworth that's ever gonna make it out of these projects, and I was the one who who put the ball in your hand, Son! I put the ball in your crib!
(Source: He Got Game)

In my young age, I didn’t know why my father did some of the things he did. I didn’t understand. My parents spent most of my childhood apart so the time I spent with my father was on weekends here and there. It mainly meant that I had to get advice in odd ways. I think it’s because of this that sometimes I come to realizations that wow, my father was trying to drop some deep knowledge on me.

If a woman tells you she’s crazy, believe her.

I don’t know why men will deal with a crazy woman and then start complaining that she’s crazy. But the flip side is that men have a tendency to date crazy women all the time. It’s almost like they prefer crazy women. I don’t think men really like a docile woman who is sane, they want her to be liable to break some shit or they just don’t like her.

Do you like country music? I can’t lie, I think that country music is pretty good.

TODAY on the train I did something I never did before … so I get on the train and get my window seat. A couple stops later a really large woman comes and nudges my bag as if to say, “Excuse me, can I sit there?” I was busy typing on my laptop so I look up and around at all these open seats outside of mine. I’m just like, why do you want to sit next to me when there are all these seats available. So I just was like, “Actually, you can have this seat.” And she sat down, and I went and sat somewhere else. But the lady I went to sit next to would not stop laughing for like a whole stop. I was like, “stop being so hot.” Back in the day “hot” meant like drawing attention to yourself. Anyway a few stops later a seat opened up that didn’t have another pew in front of it and the large woman moved to that. It was weird, I felt like I was being rude, but I just did not understand why she chose me to sit next to.

I am really excited about this weekend because I think some good things will come from it. First off , I’ve got the idea and outline for my next eBook done. So I can start writing that. But in addition, I don’t have to do anymore writing for SBM because I posted the whole series already. Yep, all ten of my points and commentary are already done.

I haven’t had a good beer in a long time. I think I will work on that for tonight. Like after a while you just get bored with Miller Light and Heineken. I don’t know why people think Heineken is the best beer ever; it’s not even the best in its class. I’m trying to be done with liquor for at least a month or two. I go through phases where I just don’t see anything productive out of drinking hard liquor. I’ll have a beer here or there, but I’ll chill hard on the Hennessey.

I’ll be in Syracuse on Tuesday, those of you who are able to make it to the event at the University, it will be great to meet y’all. Please believe me, there will be some madness on Marshall Street afterwards.

Where the Knicks fans at? I should at least be able to get me a honest adult beverage and some pizza for tonight’s game.

Enjoy your weekends. Please drink responsibly.

I heard a rumor that drinking too much can cause birth control to be less effective.

How many people got shook just now?

Life is good. God is good.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Over 21, not admitted without Younger Sister

**Before you guys read this, just know that ... sometimes I like to tell funny stories. Everything I say is not the gospel, some of it is to make you laugh. However, the best jokes are the ones with a little truth in them.**

I work near the campus of George Washington University here in Washington, DC and every now and then just for a change of pace, I decide to go on campus to grab a bite. Almost immediately upon walking on campus, there’s an itch I get that I need to get off that campus. There’s just too much ass floating around the place. The other day I’m walking up a flight of stairs into the food court area they have and there’s a group of girls walking down. As I look up, I see a young girl, probably age 19 or 20 and she’s got on these leggings. And I know this little girl does not think she’s slick. Those leggings were about as tight as she could fit in them and it was obvious she had no underwear on underneath them. As I’m trying to keep myself from looking at this camel toe in front of me, it dawns on me. Men love and hate women under the age of 21.

It’s sort of scandalous to see what women in college wear on a daily basis, but I’m not even mad at them. In my opinion and theirs, their body is never going to be that fly ever again in life. Girls from the ages of 18-22, have perky breasts and asses that don’t jiggle … when they’ve stopped walking or moving seconds ago. They got it and they should flaunt it. The other thing is, outside of college there’s no other appropriate place to put your sexuality on display for everyone to see and pursue. After college you know what they call that woman? A hoe. Think about it, in college it could be 32 degrees outside, but a freshman girl put on about two threads of clothing, her stomach and back was out, her shoes were open toes and she went to the party. She threw on a North Face and the second she got in the door, she threw it off and started grinding on every dude she could find. Now think about women who walk into the club these days with no clothes on … every sister looks at, nods their head and says, “that girl is a hoe.”

Men over the age of 21 know that women over the age of 21 are encouraging them to stay away from women under the age of 21. Men, this is a trick! This is women’s attempt at trying to pull you into their abyss. Don’t fall for it. There’s nothing wrong with dating women seven years your senior, as long as they are 18. That’s a fact, a real O.G. told me that. Anyway, we know that we can get in trouble for doing that, so what do we do? We take our ass to happy hour with you guys and stop going to house parties with young sexually liberated 19 year old with perky breasts.

Ain’t that about a bitch?

Most men know this, but are afraid to follow through. Men have got to stop denying themselves the things they want. Mainly, bacon, fried chicken, white women, orgasms when we’re ready and last but not least, new p*ssy. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful manner, I mean that in the manner of which Quentin said in the movie, The Best Man. “Ain’t nothing better than some p*ssy, but some new p*ssy.” Can I get a witness? And that’s why men love women under the age of 21. It’s just fresher. I think about it like an Impala. Yes, you can get an Impala from the 80s, that’s pretty fly, but you probably gonna have all types of issues with it; it burns a lot of gas and the cops always pull you over for driving in it late at night. Or you can get a new Impala; of course most Negroes will hate on you, but you’ll have less problems and that ride is “tight”.

The last thing that scares men about women under the age of 21 is that they’re smart. At the same time, they love this about women under the age of 21. You see these women have all the potential in the world. And a man enjoys nothing more than screwing that all up by getting you hooked on his d*ck. And even if he doesn’t intend on destroying your life as most men who are just f*cking females plan on doing, he knows you’re not even smart enough to figure it out, because you’re just too damn smart. You know how hard it is to explain to a 20 year old that you can’t get an “A” in life just for getting all the right answers? There is no study guide to getting d*cked over by men that you can study and get a good grade on the test. The only tests that you take around here are pregnancy tests and STD tests and all these sumbitches are Pass/Fail. The only problem here is, they’re smart enough to ask questions, and questions are the trickiest part of a man’s game. If you EVER want to catch a man in a lie, ask him a barrage of questions that only have one word answers. If he says, “um” or tries to explain a simple answer, that brother is lying. (This should also explain to you why men get so uncomfortable whenever someone starts asking them more than three questions in a row. “Son, chill with the questions!”)

With all that said, I was once going to pick up my friend from a high school in Northern Virginia. Yes, Black people do go to Virginia … if and only if you are going to pick up a white person. He’s a girls lacrosse coach. As I pulled up to the school he said, “Jackson, come here, take a look at this, what do you smell?” I said, “Dirt, hurry the f*ck up.” He said, “No, I smell p*ssy. Brand new p*ssy. You know how a new car has a distinct smell, you should come in the locker room after practice. Now I’ve got bad credit and horrible driving history, so I can’t get one of these cars anytime soon, but that smell … [he took a deep inhale and let it out slowly].

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.9.11

Carnegie: To his men "Put a crew together, we're going after 'em."
Redridge: For a fuckin' book?
Carnegie: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' BOOK! IT'S A WEAPON. A weapon aimed right at the hearts and minds of the weak and the desperate. It will give us control of them. If we want to rule more than one small, fuckin' town, we have to have it. People will come from all over, they'll do exactly what I tell 'em if the words are from the book. It's happened before and it'll happen again. All we need is that book.

(Source: The Book of Eli)

Do you know how many times I typed The Book of Jackson this morning, trying to type Eli?

Mila Kunis ladies and gentlemans.

The alarming differences in the way that women look at married men, versus the way men look at married women. I mean, when men look at a married woman they either smack their teeth, or they prepare themselves for the most ignorant actions they will ever attempt. You know I was just kidding … unless you gon’ do it. But women, they just see that ring like it was a bracelet, identification lanyard, or just another piece clothing. If they want him, they are going to get him. Men are like, “Damn she’s married.” Women, “Ooh, he’s married.”

Men. Sunglasses. Never wear sunglasses too big for your face. If your glasses go from the middle of your forehead to below your cheekbones you look weird. You look like Seal. And unless you are standing next to a woman as fine as his wife, Heidi Klum (*crosses self*), thou shall not have on sunglasses like Seal.

There’s something about sitting on the train and looking out the window at everything passing by. In reality, it’s symbolic that I’m passing it by, leaving it all behind. There’s not much I can do about that which I leave behind because I’m going to where I need to go.

Read an article the other day, said redheads are on the come up. Like whereas 4% of the population is redheads, well that number is growing every day. No, Rihanna you do not count. Women listen up, the reason why men like redheads is the same reason why they love exotic women, they’re different. Which brings me to my next point, Carrie is the least most attractive woman on Sex & the City, excuse me, SATC. Put it to you like this, most men … if they had to choose, would go in the order:

Samantha – I mean, I’m not trying to date any of them, so I might as well mess with the freak first. And boy is she freaky.
Charlotte – Every man loves a wifey, with a fat ass on the low. Charlotte is like one of those women who does everything right and works hard to be a better woman all the time. In reality, she has no problems finding a man because she’s beautiful. A lot of women out here on the struggle doing this too, but they not as pretty so it don’t work.
Miranda – She’s a redhead, there’s something special about her.
Carrie – I mean she’s kinda cute, she’s got a keen sense of style, but there’s nothing else that’s drawing me to her.

How can I get a job as a columnist for a newspaper? I want to write an article once a week and get paid for it. Wait… I sort of do that already. I’m on my grind, son!

Update: Townhomes are going up at Rhode Island Ave. Metro Station too.

Yesterday I learned about coping strategies. I realized that my coping strategy is fantasy. I was encouraged to write about heartbreak through fantasy and see what happens. Funny.

Let me just say for the record, I do not appreciate all of you who left me here on Team BlackBerry and jolted for the iPhone. But that’s cool, you’ll be back.

Told myself, I was going to be at about 12 when my DVR of Southland went off. Then I started watching Kain, and I was up until about 2:30AM. That guy is hilarious. The bottom bitch theory needs to be a book. I’d like to see him touch on the fall back conaso. Every man has a fall back plan. He’s got one or two women that he knows that he can go back to if all goes wrong. There’s something inherently wrong with them, but that’s something that he’s willing to live with. Real talk, there’s a good chance that is two people in a man’s life; all the women whom he was their first or the women he knew were wifey material but he never took them seriously.

Sex on the beach is not all it’s cracked up to be. Trust me on that. Sand just ain’t supposed to go everywhere.

When will women admit that they do not walk straight. I cannot tell you how many times I’m trying to walk around women daily and they can’t walk in a straight line to save their life. I just don’t think it’s possible. Here are some keys to victory; put one foot in front of another on a line to wherever you’re going. Don’t sway too much, your ass ain’t that big anyway.

Asian people, you freaking me out with that mask on the train. Spill. What the f*ck?

Life is good. God is good.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.8.11

When you're truly in love you don't see the person's ethnic background or skin color. You see them for who they are.
(Source: Our Family Wedding)

Gus Portokalos: You know, the root of the word Miller is a Greek word. Miller come from the Greek word "milo," which is mean "apple," so there you go. As many of you know, our name, Portokalos, is come from the Greek word "portokali," which mean "orange." So, okay? Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.
(Source: My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

Rahul Chadha: I just fell from grace.
Saroj Rai: My darling, you have to be standing up in order to be able to fall. I mean, if you keep sitting on your ass, nothing's gonna happen. "Only brave warriors fall off their horses in battle. How can kneeling cowards know what a fall is?" Listen sweetheart, the main thing is, you have to fight the battle.

(Source: Monsoon Wedding)

When you haven’t spoken in a while it makes you wonder if you really miss a person, or remember why you haven’t spoken to begin with. In some ways you wonder if somehow they figured out that the time you weren’t talking was reason enough to say that you don’t need to talk anymore.

Refrain: How can you say you don’t want to be like your mother, always attached to some man? But you are always in a relationship.

I understand that there are some people who just aren’t able to be single, and it’s not because of the man, it’s because of themselves. There are those among us who have no conscious when single, (or in relationships), and the relationship enables those people to feel connected to something bigger than their own set of morals and values.

I grew up in Riggs Park, it’s a part of NE Washington, DC. The neighborhood is being leveled to make way for new condominiums and townhomes. It’s amazing because as they destroy all these old stores and apartment buildings with it goes the memories that I had from my youth. I told my mother that I’d probably try and buy something in that area. I’m sort of like swindling gentrification.

I know so many men who are married to women and hate them. They hate the way they nag them. Funniest story I heard the other day was a man who refuses to go home because his wife wants to have a baby and keeps hopping on him every chance she gets. I didn’t know that could be a problem until he explained it. She basically hops on him like 4-5 times a day. I was like, “that can cause chaffing, my dude.” She has taken all the love out of making love, now they just making. Then she don’t be dressing up no more, she just be naked. Moreover, they went to the doctor and his soldiers are just fine. Three years of trying and nothing adding up.

On the low I think she’s a nympho and still taking birth control. She just ain’t want to tell her husband that, so she made up this, “I’m trying to get pregnant” lie.

That would be crazy though right?

Do Black men ask their girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage? Nope, they got to find the father first. Which brings me to my next point, if you’re going to marry outside of your race, make sure you know what their cultural traditions in marriage are.

In My Place, Yellow, The Scientist … in that order.

I don’t understand Metro. Here are my three biggest problems with metro: (1) People who stand up before the train stops, like seriously that’s not going to help you at all, like not in the least bit, it only make it more likely that you will fall, (2) The fact that one of my exes from high school catches the train a few stops ahead of me, I get the sense that she knows what time I get on the train and just gets on now, to get attention out of me, you know those people who think when you ignore them that you are giving them attention?, (3) People are so nosy on the train, they read your laptop screen, they read your text messages, and they are all over the paper you are reading.

Random story, one time this chick was on her iPhone texting about the sex she had just had before leaving for work. I was snooping but that shit was hilarious, because she was ugly as hell. I was just waiting for her to get up because I just knew that she had to have a nice body. “She ain’t really cute, but she got a nice body…” – Gucci Mane.

I think everyone should have a short list of people they wouldn’t mind having children with. Just to keep you grounded. I’m still undecided on the UNICEF idea, but trust me, I have a short list. If you don’t have that short list, you might mess around and get that jumpoff pregnant.

And the Lakers won last night.


Life is good. God is good.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.7.11

Vivian: When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess... trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight... on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time... that I had this dream did the knight say to me, "Come on, baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."
(Source: Pretty Woman)

I think this might be Julia Robert’s prettiest movie. She’s just cute as a button.

Speaking of cute as a button … Kimmy! The whole time I’m watching the Super Bowl I’m just thinking, I wonder when Kim Kardashian will have a commercial. As time went on, I just got sad and irritable. The only saving grace is that my homegirl actually reminds me of her, she was sitting next to me most of the game. I was trying to convince her to have my kid, but her sister keeps blocking. Anyway, then the commercial came on. In case you missed it, ( Man, when she throws that towel over the bar … woooooooo! I couldn’t breathe.

Oh she agreed to have my kid, but I have to take care of it and sign a prenuptial agreement because apparently she’s going to make more money than I do. But she doesn’t know that for sure, so I was like, I love when a woman with a professional degree mentions a prenupt. They just love to think they’ll make more money than a man. Watch! Watch!

So I guess the situation in Egypt was pretty serious. I didn’t know that because I was so busy at work and by the time I actually sat down to read about it, it was well out of control. I’m not mad about that though. I don’t know why. I guess in some ways I’m more concerned with us not getting involved. I do find it interesting the way the US is NOT getting involved. Actions speak louder than words. I mean, most people don’t want us to get involved, but at the same time, what does “that’s messed up” mean?

How about that Super Bowl last night? I felt real good yesterday. The guys were in the living room watching TV and commercials, and the women were in the kitchen making nice snacks for us all. Although one guy ate most of the food, smh, it was great. After they came and they joined us and we talked about a few things. Mainly, women & weight, Ben vs. Kobe, wack commercials, and collarbones.

I think that men are always surprised at the ability of women to deal with hurt feelings. I think they do it better than men because men go out of their way to avoid getting their feelings hurt, they never experience it to learn how to handle it. Women on the other hand are pros.

I don’t take domestic violence, sex assault and rape lightly. I just don’t. I really feel like if you made more college males registered as sex offenders the word would get out on the street, that ain’t cool.

“Dear Kim, Your rack is unreal.” That flower commercial was pretty funny.

Have you ever asked someone what they like about you the most? Is it bad if a man is like, “I love your breasts”? I feel like I’ve been asked that times when a woman just wanted me to say something other than one of her body parts. I mean, why are you setting yourself up for failure in the situation? I think there’s a false sense of security that women seek in men. They know that their man loves their breasts, but they want him to say something like, “I love that I can talk to you.” ( The biggest copout ever used by a man. Of course he can talk to you! How else would you communicate?!)

Waka Flocka said that if he went to college he would major in Geometry? Someone told me they were surprised at the success of Waka and I told them, “Not me!” I love Waka! I love Waka for a different reason than most people though. I love him because it’s clear that he’s not that smart, has an intentional speech impediment, and he’s just straight ignorant and obsessed with being in the hood. The funny part about it is that he reminds us what the majority of Black America really looks like. As successful Black people often do, we forget that most of Black people in America are illiterate or not at the appropriate reading level, we often fail to realize that we have a large percentage of our population in jail or unemployed, and Waka reminds us that this exists! Sooner or later, we’ve got to stop acting like it doesn’t exist and do something about it.


In the last week I was compared to Juicy J. That wasn’t that bad, that’s happened before. Then this girl said, “OMG Wiz makes you look fat! I mean I guess if you were his height then you’d be the same size.” I gave her this look like, “Bitch I own you!”

Unexpected guests continue to bombard my apartment, it’s getting to the point where I really don’t like it. And it won’t stop for most of this month. I’m evaluating ways to reduce it right now.
In other news, life is good. God is good.

Friday, February 4, 2011

You Know Your Ass is Too Big!

If it’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when I’m looking at a woman who is a little too overweight to be wearing what she’s wearing, but it’s not just that, it’s like a whole barrage of things that I have to see from men and women that is just straight malfeasance. And before you guys attack me because you say it’s bad to make jokes about fat people, f*ck you, I’ve been “skinny” my whole life and I’ve had to hear enough jokes publicly and to my face, I can say some shit back:

1) Overweight women in leggings, without the courtesy of a tee shirt covering their ass. You know your ass is too big!

2) The only reason why you sat in that seat next to me is because you are like that’s enough space for me to fit. You know your ass is too big!

3) Dude, the Under Armor? Please stop. I don’t care if it is just us fellas. You know your ass is too big!

4) You’re holding up the best ride at Six Flags on what also happens to be the hottest day of the summer because you contend that they just not pushing the bar down hard enough. You know your ass is too big!

5) If you standing outside the club with all your friends in a catsuit and the bouncer won’t let y’all in … but a group of pipsqueaks just got let in the club. The reason why your friends won’t look at you, but keep smacking their teeth and tapping their shoes is because … You know your ass is too big!

6) Arguing with the hostess at Phillips about how you have been waiting longer than me and my date. You know your ass is too big!

7) You can’t wear those heels. Your heels is leaning and you always talking about you broke a heel. You know your ass is too big!

8) Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with overweight people having a side salad or saying the word, “diet”? Come on son. Don’t act like that’s a choice, or going to fill you up. You know your ass is too big!

9) Never wear too bright of colors when you’re a big girl. Makes you look like a couch. Also, lycra… not your friend. Act like you don’t know the bitch. You know your ass is too big!

10) Being confrontational, loud, or refusing to be moved. Don’t ever say, “And I ain’t gon’ be moved” or “Make me leave.” Even though that’s the truth and nobody is going to mess with you. You know your ass is too big!


Enjoy your weekend.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.2.11

Ronna: I need a favor.
Todd: Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends, because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim.
(Source: Go)

Fuck bitches, get money.

Sorry, that’s just the mood I’ve been in lately. I’ve been absent this week because my job is actually requiring that I pay attention this week. I have been pissed off in my personal life for several reasons that I will not go into on this blog. And I’ve been faced with the decision of writing a post at midnight or taking my ass to sleep. For that, I apologize.

Did you know that people take Xanax and go to the club? Wow man, that’s got to be kind of crazy to be on in the club. Think about it though, it’s allegedly supposed to treat people with social anxiety disorder or people who have extreme anxiety. Talk about a pill to make you the life of the party. You’ll talk to anyone and won’t even flip out about your tab at the end of the night.

If you didn’t read my article yesterday, make sure you check it out. Just a little more about the conspiracy theorist … I hate him the most. I also hate those people who are always trying to put you onto some shit like you’re stupid. When in reality, they try and put everyone on to everything they on. If you ever want to front an intellectual, ask him to tell you something he read that people thought was deep, but he ain’t think it was that deep. Or just ask him to tell you about the last time he wasted his time doing something. Yeah, see intellectuals have a bad habit of never doing anything wrong.

Yet, they don’t like Kobe.

Kobe has never committed a foul in his entire career.

Just jokes.

I don’t want to hear about the Lakers unless you are willing to put on this outfit,

Did you know that Vanessa Bryant would have had a reality show if it wasn’t for Khloe Kardashian? I don’t know who’s idea that was. Seems like a dumb ass idea to me too.

Sometimes when I’m riding the train I look at people to see if they are listening to music too. I always judge people, like what the hell they listening to? I’m pretty sure that every little boy I see on the train in DC who is attempting to look like Lil’ Wayne with skinny jeans and vans on and dreds halfway down his back, WITH a fitted on, they are listening to go-go music. Then the latin people, I always assume they are listening to Aventura. But what about the Asian people? I never know. I have a coworker who is Asian so one time I just took her iPod.

Bad idea, now I feel uncomfortable, she was listening to Rick Ross. And then I found out she had more Rick Ross than I do.

You know what’s funny? When ain’t nothing funny to someone.

“I’m on my grind, son!” < Works at Walmart.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had the, “If you would get your damn degree” conversation with someone. Like real talk, people will complain about work, but it will be the most ridiculous conversation you have ever heard and then you will just have to stop them and say, “Would you please enroll at PG Community College and take some steps in the right direction?!” I’m talking to my homegirl the other day, she is one of these girls,

So tragic, but she’s telling me how the movie Baby Boy is true that when you work with women you have to be careful about having your man come pick you up because these “b*tches are grimy.” Am I the only one who was like, “No, you don’t. You need to get a damn degree and join civilization.”

Any of my readers work at a place like this though? I’m trying to see if it’s true. Let’s start dating. LOL.

eeh... I can't end the post on the usual note.

I'll holla.