Morning Mail – 8.25.11

Sheeni Saunders: You got me expelled.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm sorry, Sheeni.
Sheeni Saunders: Do you realize what life is like for me here? Do you have any idea?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I've been alone my whole life. I know what it's like. Sheeni, I burned down Berkeley for you. I destroyed both of my parents' cars. And I've lied and manipulated and had you sedated, and I did all that so we wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
Sheeni Saunders: You're him, aren't you?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm him?
Sheeni Saunders: You're my François. You're the one I've been looking for.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I want what you want. I want to live all over the world and have adventures, but I'm not François. I'm the guy who saw you and fell in love with you and would do anything for you. That's who I am.
(Source: Youth in Revolt)

That has nothing to do with anything today, but I watched it last night and thought that was a very interesting line. Heads up, there will be two posts here today. I have another post lined up, but I’m overdue for some Morning Mail.

So I’ve got a flaw. I get annoyed very easily. You ever have someone tell you that they would rather you bring something up as soon as it happens so it doesn’t build up? People tell me that all the time, but I can’t do anything about that. I get so annoyed all the time, but the thing about me is that I learned a long time ago that just because it’s not how I would do it, don’t make it wrong. Doesn’t mean I don’t get annoyed, it just means I can let it rock because I respectfully disagree. Now if I brought everything up as soon as it happened, people would always think I didn’t like them. My mother says I don’t like people like my dad. She says that for as many friends I have, when I go in the house at night, I disappear and rarely reach out to anyone.

If you noticed on Twitter the other day I was talking to my boy @JMikey and I said that I prefer to go to strip clubs to relax because that’s the only place I can be certain that no one is looking at me. He said that’s common for introverts who everybody think are extrovert. Just because you see me out there, don’t mean that I’m actually extrovert. I realize that I have tons of friends and only a couple actually know who I am. And when one of those people is my mother and the other is my best friend, that makes it hard for anybody to think they really know me.

This causes me problems because once that annoyance boils over, I have to just get away. I throw up the red dot on gchat, I get curt with my coworkers, I stop answering my phone, and I am on the verge of a Randy Moss moment. The Randy Moss moment is when you get so annoyed with a person that you result to squirting a Gatorade bottle at them while they aren’t looking. It’s in my nature to be there for everybody, but often there’s nobody there for me. People always ask me questions, but I rarely ever answer them. They may know the stories I’ve told them, but they never know who I really am. So when everyone is constantly coming to you with their problems and their life, where is the space to vent when your life is crazy. You develop relationships with people and they are so used to telling you about their life, that when you feel you need to share about yours, you just cut the relationship off. No need for that conversation if we never had it before.

I thought back over this and I realized that I’ve actually lost friends because I wouldn’t tell them anything about me. I’ve had women plead with me that I’m so enigmatic that it’s a turnoff. That I put up walls so that no one can ever really know the real me. In my opinion, that’s called being safe, and protecting my intellectual property. I realize that it has its flaws and all, I’m willing to deal with that. Maybe not too much longer, but I just don’t think I want everybody trying to put their two cents in my plate. If I could get a dollar from one or two people then it would be fine, but two cents from twenty is annoying. My mother thinks that it’s the fact that so many people have access to me. I think that’s true. I can’t count how many people feel like they want to talk to me in a day. It’s like popup video on gchat, I never can keep enough windows open on gchat for all the friends I’m talking to. Lately, I’ve been feeling like @slimjackson, “I reserve the right not to respond.”

I wonder if anyone will ever see this movie the way I wrote this scene
The people in your life, characters or writers, do you know what I mean?
I’m tired of this week already, it’s Thursday, but Friday can go see Irene
I seen a lot, but what I wouldn’t trade to look in the mirror and see green
Why does everybody want an explanation, I’m starting to hate them more
Relax and release, I’m just doing my thing, and checking behind every door
I learned a long time ago not to go through those I been before
I’ve been carrying bags in the store so long my back gets sore
I wonder if I’ll ever get some peace, quiet, calm and redemption
Or will I have to opt for voluntarily segregation, call it separation
This is getting too deep, so hold your breath, never asphyxiation
Got to weigh my options, do I want to be the focus of my own celebration
I elect not to answer the hard question, plausible deniability
But my word has to be oak in order to keep my reliability
The hardest advice to take is your own, personal inability
Perhaps I’m crazy, what can I say, no collision, only liability