My First Blog (The Final post on The Book of Jackson)

I'm just, tryin to stay above water y'know

Just stay busy, stay workin

Puff told me like, the key to this joint

The key to staying, on top of things

is treat everything like it's your first project, knahmsayin?

Like it's your first day like back when you was an intern

Like, that's how you try to treat things like, just stay hungry

[Source: 1996 MTV, Notorious B.I.G. interview]

There are few people that I really respect in Entertainment, but it’s those people who have the ability to trade in their current fame and leverage it for success at a higher level.  I always related to Andre 3000 because I always felt like although I came in the game a certain way, I wouldn’t go out the same way.  Big Boi once said that Andre and him wasn’t growing apart, Andre was just into different things.  I’ve felt that way for about two years now.  Six months into being publicly known as a blogger I was thinking to myself, “I really don’t want to talk about relationships anymore.”  But I had to build my brand and get my name out there.  Behind the scenes I knew that I was much more mature and complex.

That’s how the game works though, you get your foot in the door and then later on you can make suggestions as to how to style the room.  Second piece of advice I can give anyone is to never stay in a place too long that you learn to master something that’s not your passion.  I wrote poetry from the time I was a child until now.  I always wanted to be a great haiku poet, and I am.  But I needed to get people to listen to them, and for that I started doing slam poetry.  I slammed to get my foot in the door.  Slam poetry took me to the Nuyorican, but when it was time, I decided that it was time to move on, I was just into different things. 

I wanted to produce music and write songs and raps.  I didn’t have the resume to do that at first, so I took a small job as a studio engineer.  I spent mad time in the studio with my mouth closed running sessions for a bunch of no name artists.  In my spare time, I worked on my craft, when it came time and the right people were there, I opened my mouth and my personal collection.  And yes, I impressed.  At that point, my boss wanted to throw me a management deal, but I had to decline, I was just into different things.  I got what I needed out of that relationship.

I came into college as a Drama major, but that didn’t really rub me the right way, so I decided that maybe Film was better, but then after watching a P. Diddy interview, I decided to go get a business degree.  They’ll never let you do what you want, if you work for them, so you got to work for yourself and then answer to only yourself, and turn the they into you.

Faced with many tough decisions in life, you have to decide who you are.  In this world, there are losers, trendspotters and trendsetters.  I’ve had to come to grips with the truth, I’m a trendsetter.  I’m a trailblazer in a world where everyone sits back and watches someone do something first and then they emulate it.  I’d rather be understood in the future, questioned now, but I refuse to stay in the past.  So I told a reader last week,

“I came to grips with the fact that most of my friends don’t read my blog, they don’t read anything about relationships.  Even my boys, the ones who I relate to the most, we rarely have these conversations about relationships.  The women I associate with don’t think it’s all that complex or difficult to understand.  And I realized that I didn’t need to have a conversation about relationships anymore, I wasn’t looking for a different perspective.  Let your results dictate your position.  And my results are that, I’m having no problems in the relationship arena.  So why be a Gladiator, when you’re really a King?”

She asked me if I thought relationship blogs were beneath me.  I replied,

“No, they’re not beneath me, they’re behind me.”

The obvious question is, “Well Jay what’s next?”

I can’t show my whole hand, but I can tell you this much.  Against my original intentions, I’ve decided to meet my readers in the middle.  I’m not going to take down Book of Jackson just yet, but there is an expiration date on it.  One day you’re going to type in The Book of Jackson and it’s going to say, “Page not found.”  So if there’s anything you want to make sure you always have, you should probably take it now.  My posts on the internet will be about different topics.  I’ve always been into the Lifestyle genre more than sex and relationships.  (I don’t read Cosmo, I read GQ.)  So sit back and watch me talk about; life, fashion, culture, travel, and politics.  I won’t be around as much though, I’ll be on break from The Book of Jackson for a while.  I may occasionally return and drop something here and there.  Personally, I just don’t feel like I have anything to say right now, but if I have something to say, then I’ll say it.

I’m working on a new (WordPress) blog myself.  But I’m still dedicated to SBM.org and getting that to the next level.  I’m a huge fan of Mr. Spradley and WisdomIsMisery, and I want to help them in any way that I can to make them better writers, assist in them reaching their goals and therefore improve the entire collection that is the SBM Staff.  We could be the Odd Future of this whole thing, but probably more accurately described for the purposes of this conversation, N.W.A.

In addition to all that, I’ve recommitted myself to getting my standup back in shape.  I’ve got three events I’m emcee’ing this fall, a wedding and two pageants.  That’s my talent right there, I’m a great host.  I am also writing for an Improv group; I’m thinking about transitioning into another one.  And yes, there’s the book, it’s still there, and it’s time I spent more time working on it.  And if all that isn’t enough to keep this “blogger” busy, I feel like it might just be time for me to get behind the camera again.  (And in front of it from time to time.)

It’s funny, not too long ago we joked, “Dr. J, you’re not average.”  That’s true, maybe I’m just different. 

So for now, see you soon.  It’s time for me to move on to something else and approach it with the same vigor and dedication that I gave my first blog.

“If too many people know your name, change it – then change it again.” – Sean “P. Diddy” Combs.

Cheers,

JustJax

The Real Reason He (or She) Left

He's not saying a word, he's just leaving quietly.

Two more posts left…

Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.
Gary: Why didn't you just say that to me"
Brooke: I tried. I've tried.
Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader...
Brooke: It wouldn't matter you are who you are. Just leave me alone ok? Right now, just shut my door.
Gary: Listen...
Brooke: Alright Gary just please, just leave the room. Gary just... I don't want to be near you right now, please just shut the door, please. 

(Source: The Break Up)

A bad breakup can leave you wondering what in the world happened. You might blame yourself or you may blame the other guy.  I’m sure this post has been written a thousand times, and it will always continue to be written a thousand times more.  I’d like to tell you that everything was as simple as cheating or lying, or you found out that he had a kid, but in all honesty, most relationships don’t end that way.  They ended long before those things happened.  Relationships are like the pneumonia that kills the elderly.  Their body is weak and unable to ward off sickness, the pneumonia is the cause of death, but they were never strong to begin with.  It’s funny when you look back on all your relationships you probably have a good idea of why you’re not in that relationship anymore.  I bet the people you were in a relationship have a good idea why you’re no longer in the relationship too.  I guess I been in and out of a lot of relationships over my life.  I’ll admit to being a serial monogamous, there’s nothing wrong with that.  I always have “in my time of villainy” given a reason for why I stopped talking to someone or moved on, but it may not have been the whole answer.  I’m down to my last two posts on The Book on relationships, so i’m insisting on ending with a bang.

I guess you could take out billboard space.

      They’d rather leave your ass than tell you what was wrong with you – I have never in my life decided to break up with a woman and never tell her why.  I may have never told her the complete reason, but I at least decided to tell her some version of the truth.  However, there are people out there who come to the conclusion that there’s no hope for the relationship.  They look you in the eyes and they tell you they love you.  You come home from work the next day and their stuff is gone and they’re nowhere to be found.  When you call, you get voicemail, when you go by their place, they’re not there, you stop by their job and the receptionist won’t let you pass the front door.  Somewhere along the way they made one or two choices; 1) They felt like if given the opportunity, you’d try and weasel your way back into the relationship, or 2) You were beyond repair and they didn’t even want to begin the conversation of fixing your faults, they’d rather just walk away.

This is somebody relationship right now.

      You stopped doing all the things that got you in the relationship to begin with – I was reading this blog one time about women wrapping their hair and it seemed like a good number of those women said they didn’t wrap their hair around their man when he came over.  I pointed out to the fellas, “you know they say that now, but when that man becomes her husband, she gonna stop that shit, hair getting wrapped. Thing about marriage you have to understand is this; it’s deal with the shit or divorce me.  That’s like the most realest ultimatum in the world.”  But it’s not just that type of stuff, that’s pretty shallow if you asked me.  It can be as simple as men who stop going on dates once they get a serious girlfriend.  All of the decisions that you make that start with, “well we’re together now” are the beginnings of a list of reasons why your partner will leave you.  (Unless, you talking about the next level, nah mean, like swallowing.)  But for each time you stop doing the things that got you in the relationship, your significant other thinks to themselves:

Richard Cooper: Before you get married you get calls like...
Brenda Cooper: I can't wait to suck your dick.
Richard Cooper: After you get married you get calls like...
Brenda Cooper: I can't wait for you come home to see these drapes. 

(Source: I Think I Love My Wife)

"baby let me upgrade ya..."

      They thought they could do better than you – I gave this some thought one day when I was thinking about “the best I ever had”.  I told myself to stop that stupid ass logic, because sooner or later you was going to reach the peak and then not know what to do with yourself.  (And you end up dating white chicks on the low.)  LOL, let me stop, but that’s the example I’m going to use.  Remember that dude in elementary school who was going after that light skin shorty, she was like Sanaa Lathan or Patty Mayonnaise complexion?  Do you remember by the time he got to HS, he started dating that red bone from 3^rd period?  Then he brought that mixed girl to prom with him?  Everybody shook their head like, “this crazy negro is all messed up in the head…”  Real talk, that dude went to college and ain’t date nothing but Latinas.  He started off with one and worked his way up with them too, after he tapped out on Latinas, he did what most men like him do, “Admit they have a problem and go get a white chick.”  That’s one example, but that’s how some people evaluate their relationships.  They look across the table one day and they think they can do better.  Lebron James was the entire city of Cleveland, Ohio, he looked at the woman ready to give him everything and do everything to win a championship for him and you know what he said, “I bet you I can do better.”  Later on that week, “I’m taking my talents to South Beach.”  It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means they thought a change would do them some good.  (What if you was that Latina he was dating in college tho?  You be scared everyday you wake up… “He gon’ leave me today I know it!”)

      They decided you were too good for them – This is personal so don’t bring this up again after this. But I broke up with an ex-girlfriend because she was too good for me at the time.  Remember when I wrote that post about breaking up with a girl right away?  Yep, that’s what I did.  I looked at her and I looked at myself, 50 Cent was playing in the background, “I got a lot of living to do fore I die…” and I broke it off.  My family said she was never right for me, I said, “Nah I just ain’t ready for marriage and she’s marriage material.  No use in me holding that, somebody might meet her and give her all that she deserve.”  It hurts to tell someone that but sometimes you need to let them know that despite how much they want to be with you, they shouldn’t be.  I mean, I respect the person, man or woman, who can admit that they probably not on the same level as the person they are dating.  If you genuinely feel like the person could do better then you got to let them go.  I know people who in relationships with straight losers and I just sit there like, “I wish that dude had the strength to let that girl know he ain’t got his shit together and she should let him be.”

No surprises.

      There is something wrong with you, inherently wrong with you – I know a chick who I had to rack my brain for a month to figure out how to tell her she had an attitude problem.  I spent a month trying to figure out the way to say it so she wouldn’t take the wrong way or not listen to me.  All that came out was, “I just don’t think we get along.”  She looked at me and was like, “BULLSHIT.”  As confused as my face was at that time, I went to Reason #1 on this list and I’ve never spoken to that girl again.  Look man we’re not talking about if you can’t have kids or you don’t like to swallow or any of those bullshit ass reasons that one might have for breaking up with a girl, we’re talking about something being inherently wrong with the person – to the core.  I got a friend, he likes to jog to clear his mind, he says it works his frustrations out.  That fool is divorced, you know why?  Because he got upset and frustrated at the bank when him and his wife was taking out a mortgage loan and he got up and just started jogging … for about ten miles.  Imagine that shit.  I got a female friend of mine who’s paranoid about everything.  She is a feminist, revolutionist, and Fullofshitnist all at the same time.  She always think something is a ploy by “the man”.  (Which might I say is very awkward to hear Black people other than Beef Bacon talk about the man since he’s now a Black guy, but whatever.)  So the guy she was dating left her ass because everything in their house was some type of example of male privilege.  I ain’t get the whole story, but he said something like, “So she bought this strap-on…”  -- and that’s when I went home, so ask him.

      You were found out to be the fraud that you really are – Heaven forbid you are dating a woman who is telling you everything you want to hear.  She’s 32 and you’re 25 and you are wondering if you can date an older woman.  (This not about that but between friends, and don’t ask me how I know this, I ain’t trying to mess up nobody self-promotion, but Nia Long crazy as shit, think about that.)  She tells you that all she wants to do is go to the gym, cook a dinner for you, support you, you can go out when you want, she’s gonna be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed, she even picks out all the gifts for your family so you ain’t go to wait in line at Macy’s on Christmas Eve, she ironing your boxers and all that.   That’s until about two years into the relationship you find out that woman is lonely as hell and will do anything to keep a man.  She’s trying to trap you.  Let me tell you right now, if you come home and your sock drawer is ajar, throw those damn condoms out.  That’s how you know your chick trying to get pregnant.  I know at least three dudes right now who got got off the “I’m on the pill” or the “my period came last week” swindle.  And yes, it go both ways, I know a chick holding a baby right now when a dude said, “Nah I pulled out.”  (Got dammit! – Swizz beats voice.  That was a great point, I need thank myself for bring this shit today.)  Anyway, it’s a dude out there right now who think he’s in an open relationship.  He came home one day and his gchat was up on his girl’s laptop screen and he realized this chick wasn’t open to the idea of an open relationship, she was just saying that to get him in the relationship.  This is one of those things that ghetto people specialize at, leaving your ass cause they found out you were fake.  Ghetto people ask “why.”  You ever been in the grocery store and Pam is in there with her 4 kids and her kid picks up a bottle of wine and put it in the shopping cart?  Pam said, “Put that down Junior!”  And Junior said, “Why?!”  Those people grow up to spot all the frauds out there.  You might have thought you got away with hiding something from your girl, but trust me, she found out all about your secret and she left you.  That conversation about things getting busy at work was a damn lie, she found “Over 18, not admitted without younger sister” website in your web history and breezed.

I’m going to be real, you don’t owe nobody nothing when you break up with them.  You within your rights to keep it moving and that be that.  But think of the other side, think of you reading this right now getting new insight on why your man or girl left you.  You thinking, “damn, maybe she did find out about my girlfriend in DR, that I kept on the low.”  That’s why I always tell people that they doing their significant other and the universe a disservice by not debriefing these folks.  It’s somebody out there right now who still rock out with that, “When we have an issue, I like to discuss it right away” method and they keep wondering why men leaving them.  It’s because nobody wants to hear your ass each and every time you have a problem!  Your ex probably ain’t gon’ tell you this or admit to it, but hell what’s going to happen to me if I spill the beans?  Nothing.  Enjoy your Friday, bottoms up.

When Does Sex Count?

She isn't going to remember any of this in the morning.

Previously on The Book of Jackson – We discovered that you can’t trust a woman when she tells you how many people she’s had sex with.  Let’s review.

The Female Numerical System:

-ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, NOTHING COUNTS…. This can be extended to the entire month/week depending on how she celebrates.

-If he didn’t finish, it didn’t count

-If she was drunk, it didn’t count

-If she doesn’t remember, didn’t count

-If she was in the islands or overseas, it didn’t count

-If she was mad at another guy, whether it be her man or eff buddy, didn’t count

-If she didn’t tell her friends, didn’t count

-If she COULDN’T tell her friends, for reasons such as, he’s ugly, he’s disgusting, or just generally an old monkey ass “negro,” that’s right, didn’t count

-If it was wack, didn’t count

-If she was, “going through a stage,” i.e., Arissa from real world, didn’t count

-If she was in a three or moresome, that counts as one

-If he was younger than her, unless, it was some Pretty Ricky, Chris Brown, feel good, didn’t count

-If he dies, there’s no proof of sex, so he is removed too (that’s for my hood girls, I luv yall.)

You’re welcome to believe that hogwash, but…

Many men sit around trying to come to an answer about, “When can you officially say you had sex with a girl?”  I’m sure many women do the same thing.  Jessica said, “You f*cked him, didn’t you!”  And Chanel said, “No I didn’t, he tried to slip it in, but I told him no I ain’t want to have sex.”  You really can’t go on what a woman defines as sex, well at least for a man.  See sex is like golf for women and it’s like football for men.  The point of the game for women is to keep your score as low as possible, a woman’s sex life is like a game of chutes and ladders – except the goal is to get a chute.  If she can successfully sleep with 30 dudes and then that only counts as 5, then she’ll go back to “START” as many times as possible.  Now for the men, the point of the game is score as many points as possible, definitely more than anyone else.  For that reason you have dudes who’ll do anything for a win.  I’ve never been that type.  Victory wasn’t so sweet if I didn’t beat the tough competition.  I got a friend who will sleep with anything that walks just so he can brag he has the highest body count.  I just be looking at him some days like, “You had sex with the dragon from Shrek though… and Shrek too.”  Oh man, there was this girl we used to call Shrek back in the day because she was cool, but she looked just like Shrek.  That was horrible, but if you got a friend and you think she looks like Shrek or Jar Jar Binks, dudes probably call her that behind her back.  Never the less, I can’t tell you how people count what they count, but the only thing that I will say is that you must be consistent.  You can count how you want to count, but you just have to count everything the same way.  You can pick any of the following methods for counting:

The Memory Method

Keep it 100, if you don’t remember it, it didn’t count.  Now let’s be clear, one time, I knew a guy who was telling me the women he slept with and I said, “What about [such and such]?”  His face turned white and he said, “Damn I forgot all about that ish didn’t I?”  He added her in and he kept going.  That counts.  What I mean by you don’t remember is that you literally do not remember.  If you woke up somewhere not in your bed and you were asshole naked and you have to ask yourself, “Did I just get f*cked?”  You don’t have to count that shit babygirl.  This right here is the reason why most girls don’t count anything that happened their senior year of college.  They was drunk as a skunk every Thursday night, they don’t remember nothing.  (Sidenote, you can always tell how many women a man has slept with by how he reacts to the question, “How many bodies you got?”  One dude will go to his picture in picture and look up and to the left.  Another dude will break out his fingers and start counting.  I been in a frat house and a bro said, “You got a sheet of paper?”  Hands down the best I’ve ever heard of was a dude used to keep the wrapper from the first time he ever smashed a chick in a shoebox under his bed.  He had an accurate count, if I ever seen one.)

"Please tell me you can go again..."

The Rhythm Method

All the rhythm method means is that if it wasn’t good, then you are allowed not to count it.  This goes both ways.  If you a dude who put in hard work to knock down a jumpoff and it’s wack, you don’t have to take credit for that.  You know jumpoffs ruin your credit, but there’s also the assumption that just because a chick is a jumpoff she know how to go pro in the bedroom.  Nope, being a jumpoff means you’re easy, ain’t got nothing to do with skills in the bed.  Anyway, if it’s wack, don’t count it.  If you looking at this like a woman, you can just about write off all the sex you’ve ever had in your life using this method.  Woman love to say the sex was wack.  They will hoot and holler like they’re in child labor and then when their friends ask them how was it, they’ll say, “I mean, it was okay … shit.”  (That delayed shit is like what Black women ride out to.  They use it to pacify a pathetic statement or as a transitional phrase.  For example, “I ain’t coming to work today … shit.”)  Anyway, if you didn’t like the sex, then don’t count it.  It’s one IMPORTANT exception to this rule.  There are men out there who do not know how to make a woman feel good when they having sex, but they like to just pound away for about an hour or so.  If you was with a dude and he got coke d*ck and just spent about 50 minutes pounding on you like a tough porkchop, you have to count that.  The coochie was damaged, that’s going need to be on your credit report.

Once Upon a Time…

Anytime you can start a story with, “there was this one time”, you can always take all that off your record.  If the story starts with, “one time, I had just broke up with [such and such],” you can take that off the record.  I got a boy and he did something dumb one time.  He wanted to go to Miami and have fun with his boys, so his solution to doing that while being in a relationship was to pull the 11^th grade okie doke.  He would start an argument on Wednesday and break up on Thursday and get back together on Monday.   That way he could be single for the weekend.  But the problem was, he was 25.  I told him almost immediately, “You plan to break up with your girl, in DC, and then leave DC and go to Miami?  Watch, somebody in Park on Friday gonna pipe your girl next to that sign that say 4 on the steps.”  You know what happened, she piped a dude at Park on Friday.  He wanted to get back with her though, after all they had feelings for each other and what not.  So basically, I told him, “Yo that don’t count, you can’t hold that against her.  That’s situational d*ck right there.  It’s like mouthwash or cold medicine, technically you had alcohol in your system, but there was a reason for it, so we can’t hold it against you.  Yeah, basically consider that dude who piped your girl … cold medicine.”

Don't hold it against her Will!!!

Three Hitter Quitter

I got a friend who we always go back and forth on if he ever had sex with a girl or not.  I say he did, he says he didn’t.  I think he saying it out of respect for the young lady in question because he don’t want people to think less of her, that’s commendable and what not.  But his rule is in order for it to count, you must get three good pumps in.  I guess that’s a way of looking at it.  He said three pumps is like a taste test.  If she don’t know after three pumps if this is something she wants to do, then it doesn’t count.  I told him he’s letting those women off the hook way too easily.  You never know, it may only take her three pumps.  She’ll get hers and you’ll be a loser for that.  But you know maybe this works out for a woman.  You can consider it like a test drive.  “Let me see how this guy hits it and then make a decision.”  Afterwards, if you don’t like it, you can say, “Nah, I’m good” and it doesn’t go on your carfax report.  (Look at all the women looking around thinking of how many times they let it get started before they was like, “Nah I don’t want to do this…”  The dude laying there thinking “damn yo… I feel bad, she about to cry.”  She’s thinking, “Actually, I do want to have sex, just not with YOU.”)  That’s the three hitter quitter method right there.

Six Points!

Just Break the Plane!!!

THIS IS MY METHOD RIGHT HERE!  I fully stand by this rule.  If you break the plane then it counts.  For all those girls who let dude, “just put the tip in” … that counts!  If you were dry humping around the bed bald head naked and it slid in on the humble … that counts!  If you weren’t sure if that was his finger or his member … that counts!  Basically everything that crosses the outer labia counts.  I don’t care if he just was walking by and stuck his head in the door to see who was in there, that sh*t counts.  This is the best way of counting things and the best way to keep everyone honest.  There’s a chick somewhere this weekend who is going to wake up on a basement floor of those fresh Jersey boys’ house off campus with a condom inside her, last thing she remembers was that it was saying, “Sure I’ll take a shot.”  You need to find a way to make sure that shows up on her Carfax report.  Ladies you know where this will REALLY come in handy… with your boyfriend’s FEMALE BEST FRIEND.   That’s right, if this is the method that you guys use, I bet you his answer might change with his female best friend.  You’ll find out a whole different story than before.  You asked him before, “Did you ever have sex with Tasha?”  And he said, “Hell no, that’s disgusting.”  Ask him, “Did you ever break the plane of Tasha’a vagina?”  And he’ll backpedal like he on a ten-speed, “What do you mean by that?” or the infamous sidestepping question, “Didn’t I already answer that?”  Either way you know his ass is lying.  I ride and die by this method right here.

On a more serious note, here’s the thing, let me keep it real with y’all.  The reason why I believe in the Just Break the Plane method is because that’s basically the point at which you can get a shorty pregnant or catch something from her.  Really all it take is contact nowadays, I even heard a rumor that crabs can jump up to three feet in a Morgan State dorm shower, but the point is, once a dude crosses the plane, both y’all asses at risk for HIV.  And you wouldn’t want to be one of those dumbasses who goes around claiming not to know how you got it when you know you slid in raw dog last year at the World Cup.

A couple people just took a shot at happy hour.  That’s cool say what’s up to my bartender Eddie over at the Park.  He’s heavy handed like ish.  But to end on a lighter note, the point of all this is … drink up, it’s Thursday, you already called out of work because you ain’t trying to go to work on a Friday in this shitty weather.  Or you just don’t believe that you should have to be at work on a Friday anyway.  The more you drink, the better you’ll feel, and although you’ll wake up with a hangover, the sex you had last night DOESN’T COUNT.  

Open Relationships Don’t Effing Work

Have you ever listened to a couple in an open relationship explain it to people? Your face is always screwed up. I’ll be flat out honest with you, I’ve never believed both people when they explain it. Will and Jada have been explaining their relationship to people for years. Black folk pushed back in their seats trying to figure out if that’s something they could ever do, make it easy on yourself, you can’t. But since like Day 1, I’ve always thought, does anybody remember that Jada is a lesbian? Remember that episode when Tupac came to visit Jada on Different World? As soon as he appeared on the screen just about everybody watching busted out laughing. They knew wasn’t no way that little girl was dating Tupac, she wasn’t into men like “that”.

Anyway, here’s the gist behind open relationships; basically since you never stop being attracted to other people there’s no reason to suppress your inner desires. There’s a chance they’ll come out at any moment, so rather than running from your feelings, you just manage them in a mature manner. Now this was best explained to me by my boy Columbus, “That’s like those guys who swear up and down they not gay, but then his wife come home and catch him with his ass up in the air. No reason for him to be trapped in the closet, just bring your ass out so we can all see you. Not ass first though.” A few things, we call him Columbus because he’s horrible with directions even when holding the GPS. Two, it wasn’t until we had this conversation that I realized that Trapped in the Closet was about more than R. Kelly being trapped in a closet. Point is, when you suppress your real feelings ain’t no telling when they will show their face.

You should try it. ;)

But let’s be honest, nobody starts out looking for an open relationship. If you in your heart of hearts tell yourself from jump, “I’m going to be in an open relationship” you’re full of shit. It goes down three ways, and only three ways. You are with a person and they keep cheating so you say, f*ck it, let’s open it up. You was with a person and you cheated on them and couldn’t stop and said, the next relationship I’m in, open it up. You want to be with someone so much that you are willing to do whatever you have to do to be with that person. When you want a relationship with them, they say, “I’m only looking for an open relationship” and you go for it because it’s your only chance. You have never in your life heard of someone who was born with the desire to be in an open relationship, a legitimate open relationship, if such thing really exists.

Read: NOT HAPPY

Real talk, the best thing I can tell you is that you can never really have trust in an open relationship. It’s a pseudo way of approaching the problem. You continuously tell yourself that you can do it, but in reality, you can’t. You create what we like to call a “false sense of security.” “I feel like since you’ll tell me the truth about something that makes you a trustworthy person.” Do you know how ambiguous the phrase, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” was? Hella ambiguous, enough to keep the President of the most powerful country in the world employed. Trust, your best case scenario is that you don’t trust each other. I tried that with women for a while and that worked as long as I didn’t care about them all that much. I told myself and the women I dated, “I don’t trust you, I don’t have a need to. When you aren’t here, I don’t believe sh*t you say and I operate under that.” It worked until I actually had feelings for a girl and then I really did care about her when she wasn’t around me. Then you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in your relationship perhaps. DUMB AS HELL. Do you know what it’s like to be in the Garden of Eden and it’s a peach tree in the middle and you stuck picking berries and figs? It’s torture! That’s what “don’t ask, don’t tell” is, it’s the Tree of Life. The only worked for the US military; it would never work for regular people like us. In the military they give young Black men guns and tell them to go shoot up a village in Africa and that’s what happens. In Compton they give young Black men guns and tell them to go shoot up HSBC and they say, “Wait, why?” Monique probably has never asked her husband about the women he sleeps with on the side, but it creeps in her mind every now and then. That’s basically what happens, it keeps creeping in your mind, over and over again until finally one day, “BAM, you’re drunk and you think, hell why not go through that phone on the coffee table?” That’s the damn Tree of Life right there.

An open relationship is like Pandora’s Box, or more accurately described as a capitalistic relationship. And we all know that you can’t regulate Capitalism, there’s no way to control chaos. You just have to let it go. One you open your relationship up and you agree not to be monogamous, then you can’t try and regulate free trade. That’s nonsensical. I can see it now, “oh because you dipped out on the relationship on Wednesdays and that’s supposed to be our day, I’m setting up a P*ssy embargo.” Do you logically think that’s going to work? It’s a damn open relationship, the man will just go eff another chick. And you can’t be mad about that? You know why, because he’s allowed to! And please don’t think I haven’t thought about men in this situation who think it’s a good idea to open their relationship up. It’s all fun and games until you slip in a little too easily one time. Yeah, I said that shit. Men need to stop acting like we are not territorial as all hell. The only way someone like Will Smith agrees to let Jada go outside of their relationship is because it’s supposed to be so she can sleep with other women. The second he found out that Marc Anthony was not another woman, he went bat shit. No man wants anyone parking in his garage. None. Not me, not you, not any of us. You ever have a FWB that you keep around for years. (If you are a man, that means a chick that you mess with but you know in your head she really want to be with you. She willing to take a piece of you, rather than nothing at all, so you just give her FWB.) What happens to your ego when you find out she had a man for the last six months that you decided not to talk to her because you were banging some other broad? It shrivels and then all of a sudden she ain’t all that attractive no more. You cannot regulate chaos. Women and men are not able to deal with open relationships like that.

This is what Babyface was talking about in "Our Feelings"

Here’s a moment of real talk. ALL and I mean ALL open relationships are inherently fucked up. Excuse my French. (I never knew why they said that phrase until I realize how disrespectful the French are.) Let’s review, Scenario 1: It’s two people who are very attractive and can’t control themselves. For example, Will Smith and Jada. Will Smith has been married to Jada for how many years and each time he comes out with a movie, women want to sleep with him a little more. Will Smith hadn’t even gotten his trailer setup before Charlize was like, “I’m gon’ get me some of that chocolate pie.” Jada Pinkett is on TNT and people don’t even care about Southland, or Southside, or Southeast, whatever the hell that show with Regina King’s single as a last cigarette ass. Soon as Marc Anthony walked on set he was like, “I’m going get me some of that chocolate pie.” Scenario 2: One person is a whole lot more attractive than the other and has the option of having multiple partners. Mo’nique wanted to be married and she didn’t want to be married to a man that was wack. For as much shit she talks on stage, if her man was a hobbit, it would reflect badly on her. So she went and got a man who was willing to be with her, but basically said, I still need to be with other women because this cool and all, I appreciate you letting me live here and spend your money. However, there’s a whole lot of living I could be doing right now if I wasn’t with you. Scenario 2 is just like Scenario 3, except it’s for people like Mo’Nique who just want the marriage more than the fidelity. And we all know some pathetic ass women who want to be married so much they see past all of their man’s faults. They tell themselves they are focused on the war and not the battle, but really what they are saying is, “please don’t leave me.” Listen, when you were 4 years old and your mother dropped you off at day care, you held onto her leg for dear life. You knew that it wasn’t ever going to be as good as it was right here. You ain’t have no homework, you could speak a different language when you wanted to cuss out your moms about something, you didn’t have to piss where they told you, you basically was above the law. But you held onto momma because you didn’t think it could be any better than it was right then and there. Never mind the fact that the person who causes you the most pain is your mother who keeps making you take naps and sleep when you want to go see new shit. Think about that for a second.

So glad I found this exact picture to put it in perspective.

Are you starting to see why I say there’s no way an open relationship works? I hope so. Here’s my suggestion, this is my unadulterated suggestion for people who are interested in open relationships: Just cheat. People cheat every damn day and they get away with it. Men cheat on their wives and the wives know about it and don’t say nothing about it. I know a woman who grew up watching her dad screw the whole township, when she got old enough that she felt she could take a solid jab from her mother, you know what she did? She asked her, “Ma, do you know that Daddy is cheating on you?” Her mother told her, “Yes I know he been f*cking that lady for years.” See, now that’s a functional ass open relationship. Wives cheat on their husband ALL the time and nothing happens. I know a guy who was arguing with his wife at a gala. I’m like, “Dog you making a scene and shit.” His response was, “No I’m not. You see that guy over there that my wife is hugging all over? That’s the dude she’s f*cking. I mean give me a break, don’t have me out here looking like a fool.” Perfect ass open relationship. Or… just maybe you can cheat and not get caught. Heaven forbid that happens. But in reality, people get messy. You know why they get messy because they get lazy. I thought about this over the weekend; you can have a side piece, you can do that. It’s the fact that you don’t want to do all that you have to do to maintain on TWO relationships. A woman told me the only reason why she didn’t cheat on her husband was because she had to put up with his shit and she didn’t want to do it twice. She cheated once with a younger guy and that little immature brat started hitting her up all the time and that wasn’t part of the deal. I was like, “maybe you should have told him that up front so you didn’t have that problem.” But just to bring it back full circle, if you want an open relationship, since that makes no sense, just freaking cheat like an adult. You do what you gotta do to not get caught and you move on from there. In the end, your relationship won’t be as volatile as Pam & Tommy, and you can deal with cheating on an ad-hoc basis as needed.

As I close, I just want to say, I don’t think that cheating is a wise thing. I just think that if you’re going to cheat, do it like all the rest of us. It’s like when someone drops a mixtape. I can’t respect a hot mixtape like I can a hot album. I want to see that you can do it like all the rest of the people you compete with. Anybody can get someone to listen if it’s free. Anyone can find multiple people to sleep with if it’s allowed. I respect that woman who can get away with it even though it takes hard work and determination. Prison Break would have been a wack TV show if the front gate to the jail was open. It was the fact that it was closed and it wasn’t allowed that made it a great show. Open relationships are like halfway houses, they don’t have any real purpose. Just let the man go, or keep him locked down, you can’t have it both ways.

And then there were three...

I’m Not Mad At A Gold Digger

Lorelei Lee: Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You may not marry a girl just because she is pretty, but, my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for me to have those things?

(Source: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)

Truth be told, I’m not mad at a gold digger, I’m mad at the noodles who enable gold diggers.  Let me tell you a story that I once told my mother, it was what led me to buy a car.  I told her sometime after high school, “Mommy, this is the thing, no chick is going to say in order to date me, you have to have a car, but it helps.  If a chick has to decide between a dude with no car and a dude with a car, all OTHER things equal, she’s going to pick the guy with the car.”  There was so much truth to that statement, I could probably get Barry Bonds into the Hall of Fame by lending him that statement alone.  That was a set up because the real part of the conversation was when I would describe to her why I had to buy a German car because an American car would result in a similar conversation but it sounded like, “Let’s say one guy has a Range and another has an Escort…”  But I digress…  (And yes, I call my mother, “Mommy” or the Real Dr. J.  Never understood why people change the names they call their parents when they get older.)  Anyway, the point is, you can’t get mad at a woman for wanting to marry a rich man, just like you can’t get mad at a man for wanting to marry a pretty girl.  It’s a completely natural instinct.

That's all they want.

I’ve always said that it was human nature that our plights in life were different as men and women.  Men are supposed to be providers.  It doesn’t matter how good looking a man is if he has a fat check.  That’s because his task in life is to provide for his family and as long as he does that well, he’ll always be able to find a woman.  Now, and this is just something I learned on National Geographic so don’t go shooting the messenger, when a man takes up a mate in a woman he’s typically looking to provide for her, and he wants to ensure the best chance at offspring.  Many of the things that attract men to women are products of their ability to produce healthy offspring.  Big breasts are a sign of breast milk meaning the ability to nurture a baby is better.  Or a big butt and hips are signs of easy childbirth or the ability to bear a lot of children.  I’m not sure everyone has ever examined this, but most of these special are on National Geographic all the time.  Even in the wild women look to men to protect and provide and men look to women for companionship and children.  And for that reason most men look for pretty women, they translate pretty into a great wife because she is a great companion, you won’t mind hanging around her for a long time, and she’ll be a great mate for bearing children.

With that said, it’s almost human nature that women go after men with money.  Not saying all women do this, but what I’m saying is you’ll be hard pressed to find a woman who when ALL THINGS ARE CONSIDERED EQUAL outside of money, she elects to go for the guy with less money.  For the math whizzes who are reading:

A+B+C1 = A+B+C2, if C is money, and C1 is greater than C2, then it is a law and a fact that she will always select C1.

But here’s how men factor into this, they do stupid ish when it comes to money and women.  Take for example the following:

You just got got.

      They let them in places for free, sometimes even drink free – There ought to be no way in America that in this capitalistic society where if you don’t work, you don’t get paid and you have no money for nothing, that women are able to get away with, “I’m not spending any money tonight.”  Hungry ass noodle dudes then say, “That’s cool I’ll come pick you up and I got you.”  What in the hell?  That’s like if a dude said, “I hate wearing condoms” and the chick said, “that’s cool I’m on Plan B.”  Both of y’all asses sound stupid.  Listen, if a woman is telling you that she doesn’t have any money to spend, she’s really saying, “I’ll spend your money, but I’m not spending mine.”  She don’t have no money ask her how she getting to work in the morning.  Ask her how she putting gas in her car.  Ask her why her ass is on the phone with you and not cooking or at the grocery store.  She’s saying, “I’m not spending any money tonight” but what she means is “I’ll spend your money tonight.”  And the proof is this, if she didn’t want to go out, then she would just say, “Nah I’m good, I’m going to stay in tonight.”  Now let’s think about the club or lounge for a second, you ever notice that ladies get in free and they have an open bar?  But when you think about it, who spends the most money in the club?  Men.  If there was anybody you want to let in for free, you would let the men in for free, charge the women for admission, so that they could get a free drink.  Now that’s a business model.  But you know what happened?  Some dumb noodle is working the door and he lets every woman with a nice outfit in the club for free and tells you that he can’t accept your ID, or that because you have on Aldo instead of Cole Hahn it’s $40.  I always think about what my boy Dustin said to me one time, “You know what I don’t get… why do you guys pay money to buy drinks?”  Yes, he’s white, and yes, “you” is the white person’s word for Black people.  And most importantly, he was 100% right.

      They pay for things they know they should pay for – I don’t know how else to say this, but men have to stop paying for chick’s bills before they get married.  And please stop especially if you not with them anymore.  I know a dude who pays his ex-girlfriend’s light bill.  He’s in Afghanistan, she’s in NYC, he’s paying her utility bill, they are not together anymore.  Why is he doing that?  Because he feels like one day they might get back together.  Me and the guys thought this was so crazy that we thought about telling him that one of us smashed by accident and wanted to come clean.  Despite all that, I’ve known men who pay for plane tickets, bus tickets, train tickets, hotel rooms, dinners, bottles, and all types of things they know they shouldn’t pay for just to hang out with a chick.  All of that is called the Luxury Tax, what I’m talking about is those things you know you should pay for.  I remember one time this girl invited me out to happy hour one time to tell me a sob story, she miscalculated how much her car note would be and with her new rent she was having to use her credit card to pay bills.  I looked at her and said, “What you need to do is get rid of that car?”  She was asking me, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to ask the guy I’m seeing to give me some money?”  I was like, “Hell yes, but you know what, ask the noodle, if he gives you money, then at least you know you got a sucker.”  If a chick can’t afford her lifestyle, don’t prop it up.  If you prop it up, you’re just as guilty for enabling someone to live a lie.  You wouldn’t want it to get around that you are investing in a Ponzi scheme…

      They know a chick is cheap and they let her do it anyway – You ever known a chick was notorious for being cheap.  My boy told me one time that he wasn’t going to let me introduce him to no more females because this one chick tried to G him into an expensive date.  She wanted to go to Nobu on the first date and what do we say to Nobu?  Nooooooo Boooooooooo!  Thing about that chick is this though, she’s bad.  She gets away with that.  She’s like Dean & Deluca, overpriced as hell and she knows it.  You can get a good enough sandwich from Trader Joe’s but every now and then when you have some extra money hanging around, you want to mess with Dean & Deluca so you feel like you got it like that.  Same ass sandwich though.  Ain’t no way women like that should be in business, but they are in business.  You know you got a girl in your network who ain’t never bought you a drink a day in your life, she always be at the bar though waiting on somebody to buy her a drink.  Why is it that you always find yourself buying her a drink?  Especially when you consider this … you’re not trying to have sex with this woman.  Ain’t nothing like the look on a man’s face when he realizes that he keeps buying a chick drinks like water and she hits him with the, “yo you like my big brother, I love you hun.”  Who the hell is hun?  And I’m not your effing brother.

I guess you can say they're cute.

           They believe in the Luxury Tax – I can’t lie, I believe in the Luxury Tax to some extent myself.  I think that in order to keep the company of good looking women you have to spend money.  It’s just impossible to do so without doing it.  In addition to spending money, you’re going to have to maintain on those relationships too.  A lot of dudes only hit up boppers when they are ready to spend some money, those boppers won’t support him in the way that he really wants.  If he’s not buying, she won’t show up.  That’s the thing, the Luxury Tax is about the fact that you just have to spend a little money to keep women around you.  And then when you’re not in the club or a lounge, you need to actually hit them up and act like y’all are friends.  If you do that, then you won’t just have a chick who drinks for free, you’ll have support.  Where dudes go wrong is they don’t give the luxury tax, they just give straight to charity without a tax write off.  If you’re the type of dude who goes in the club and pops mad bottles to get women to come to your table and talk to you – you are a nuff.  If you’re the type of guy who frequents clubs and buys drinks to random women just get conversation, you are a nuff.  Trust me when I say this, you can get a girl’s conversation and/or number without buying her a drink.  Try it.  When you willingly throw your money away like that, you enable gold digging women who will take a drink, sip it, talk with you and then when they’re done, they cough … if you don’t buy another drink they walk away.  They should do that, you shouldn’t be buying the drink to begin with.

In the end I can’t blame women for taking easy money.  If I walked outside right now and say an envelope filled with bills, I’d pick it up and keep moving.  If I don’t have to do anything for a few extra dollars, why not?  I think LivingSocial should come out with a deal that says, $40 worth of drinks for $0 (That’s right for FREE), and then direct most women to the nearest popular happy hour spot in the city.  And don’t let it be a Supper Club because she’ll end up getting a LivingSocial coupon that says, $50 worth of food and drinks for $0 (That’s right for FREE).  So again, I state, I’m not mad at the gold digger, she’s doing what anyone would do in her situation, I’m mad at the noodles who enable gold diggers.