I’m Not Mad At A Gold Digger

Lorelei Lee: Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You may not marry a girl just because she is pretty, but, my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for me to have those things?

(Source: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)

Truth be told, I’m not mad at a gold digger, I’m mad at the noodles who enable gold diggers.  Let me tell you a story that I once told my mother, it was what led me to buy a car.  I told her sometime after high school, “Mommy, this is the thing, no chick is going to say in order to date me, you have to have a car, but it helps.  If a chick has to decide between a dude with no car and a dude with a car, all OTHER things equal, she’s going to pick the guy with the car.”  There was so much truth to that statement, I could probably get Barry Bonds into the Hall of Fame by lending him that statement alone.  That was a set up because the real part of the conversation was when I would describe to her why I had to buy a German car because an American car would result in a similar conversation but it sounded like, “Let’s say one guy has a Range and another has an Escort…”  But I digress…  (And yes, I call my mother, “Mommy” or the Real Dr. J.  Never understood why people change the names they call their parents when they get older.)  Anyway, the point is, you can’t get mad at a woman for wanting to marry a rich man, just like you can’t get mad at a man for wanting to marry a pretty girl.  It’s a completely natural instinct.

That's all they want.

I’ve always said that it was human nature that our plights in life were different as men and women.  Men are supposed to be providers.  It doesn’t matter how good looking a man is if he has a fat check.  That’s because his task in life is to provide for his family and as long as he does that well, he’ll always be able to find a woman.  Now, and this is just something I learned on National Geographic so don’t go shooting the messenger, when a man takes up a mate in a woman he’s typically looking to provide for her, and he wants to ensure the best chance at offspring.  Many of the things that attract men to women are products of their ability to produce healthy offspring.  Big breasts are a sign of breast milk meaning the ability to nurture a baby is better.  Or a big butt and hips are signs of easy childbirth or the ability to bear a lot of children.  I’m not sure everyone has ever examined this, but most of these special are on National Geographic all the time.  Even in the wild women look to men to protect and provide and men look to women for companionship and children.  And for that reason most men look for pretty women, they translate pretty into a great wife because she is a great companion, you won’t mind hanging around her for a long time, and she’ll be a great mate for bearing children.

With that said, it’s almost human nature that women go after men with money.  Not saying all women do this, but what I’m saying is you’ll be hard pressed to find a woman who when ALL THINGS ARE CONSIDERED EQUAL outside of money, she elects to go for the guy with less money.  For the math whizzes who are reading:

A+B+C1 = A+B+C2, if C is money, and C1 is greater than C2, then it is a law and a fact that she will always select C1.

But here’s how men factor into this, they do stupid ish when it comes to money and women.  Take for example the following:

You just got got.

      They let them in places for free, sometimes even drink free – There ought to be no way in America that in this capitalistic society where if you don’t work, you don’t get paid and you have no money for nothing, that women are able to get away with, “I’m not spending any money tonight.”  Hungry ass noodle dudes then say, “That’s cool I’ll come pick you up and I got you.”  What in the hell?  That’s like if a dude said, “I hate wearing condoms” and the chick said, “that’s cool I’m on Plan B.”  Both of y’all asses sound stupid.  Listen, if a woman is telling you that she doesn’t have any money to spend, she’s really saying, “I’ll spend your money, but I’m not spending mine.”  She don’t have no money ask her how she getting to work in the morning.  Ask her how she putting gas in her car.  Ask her why her ass is on the phone with you and not cooking or at the grocery store.  She’s saying, “I’m not spending any money tonight” but what she means is “I’ll spend your money tonight.”  And the proof is this, if she didn’t want to go out, then she would just say, “Nah I’m good, I’m going to stay in tonight.”  Now let’s think about the club or lounge for a second, you ever notice that ladies get in free and they have an open bar?  But when you think about it, who spends the most money in the club?  Men.  If there was anybody you want to let in for free, you would let the men in for free, charge the women for admission, so that they could get a free drink.  Now that’s a business model.  But you know what happened?  Some dumb noodle is working the door and he lets every woman with a nice outfit in the club for free and tells you that he can’t accept your ID, or that because you have on Aldo instead of Cole Hahn it’s $40.  I always think about what my boy Dustin said to me one time, “You know what I don’t get… why do you guys pay money to buy drinks?”  Yes, he’s white, and yes, “you” is the white person’s word for Black people.  And most importantly, he was 100% right.

      They pay for things they know they should pay for – I don’t know how else to say this, but men have to stop paying for chick’s bills before they get married.  And please stop especially if you not with them anymore.  I know a dude who pays his ex-girlfriend’s light bill.  He’s in Afghanistan, she’s in NYC, he’s paying her utility bill, they are not together anymore.  Why is he doing that?  Because he feels like one day they might get back together.  Me and the guys thought this was so crazy that we thought about telling him that one of us smashed by accident and wanted to come clean.  Despite all that, I’ve known men who pay for plane tickets, bus tickets, train tickets, hotel rooms, dinners, bottles, and all types of things they know they shouldn’t pay for just to hang out with a chick.  All of that is called the Luxury Tax, what I’m talking about is those things you know you should pay for.  I remember one time this girl invited me out to happy hour one time to tell me a sob story, she miscalculated how much her car note would be and with her new rent she was having to use her credit card to pay bills.  I looked at her and said, “What you need to do is get rid of that car?”  She was asking me, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to ask the guy I’m seeing to give me some money?”  I was like, “Hell yes, but you know what, ask the noodle, if he gives you money, then at least you know you got a sucker.”  If a chick can’t afford her lifestyle, don’t prop it up.  If you prop it up, you’re just as guilty for enabling someone to live a lie.  You wouldn’t want it to get around that you are investing in a Ponzi scheme…

      They know a chick is cheap and they let her do it anyway – You ever known a chick was notorious for being cheap.  My boy told me one time that he wasn’t going to let me introduce him to no more females because this one chick tried to G him into an expensive date.  She wanted to go to Nobu on the first date and what do we say to Nobu?  Nooooooo Boooooooooo!  Thing about that chick is this though, she’s bad.  She gets away with that.  She’s like Dean & Deluca, overpriced as hell and she knows it.  You can get a good enough sandwich from Trader Joe’s but every now and then when you have some extra money hanging around, you want to mess with Dean & Deluca so you feel like you got it like that.  Same ass sandwich though.  Ain’t no way women like that should be in business, but they are in business.  You know you got a girl in your network who ain’t never bought you a drink a day in your life, she always be at the bar though waiting on somebody to buy her a drink.  Why is it that you always find yourself buying her a drink?  Especially when you consider this … you’re not trying to have sex with this woman.  Ain’t nothing like the look on a man’s face when he realizes that he keeps buying a chick drinks like water and she hits him with the, “yo you like my big brother, I love you hun.”  Who the hell is hun?  And I’m not your effing brother.

I guess you can say they're cute.

           They believe in the Luxury Tax – I can’t lie, I believe in the Luxury Tax to some extent myself.  I think that in order to keep the company of good looking women you have to spend money.  It’s just impossible to do so without doing it.  In addition to spending money, you’re going to have to maintain on those relationships too.  A lot of dudes only hit up boppers when they are ready to spend some money, those boppers won’t support him in the way that he really wants.  If he’s not buying, she won’t show up.  That’s the thing, the Luxury Tax is about the fact that you just have to spend a little money to keep women around you.  And then when you’re not in the club or a lounge, you need to actually hit them up and act like y’all are friends.  If you do that, then you won’t just have a chick who drinks for free, you’ll have support.  Where dudes go wrong is they don’t give the luxury tax, they just give straight to charity without a tax write off.  If you’re the type of dude who goes in the club and pops mad bottles to get women to come to your table and talk to you – you are a nuff.  If you’re the type of guy who frequents clubs and buys drinks to random women just get conversation, you are a nuff.  Trust me when I say this, you can get a girl’s conversation and/or number without buying her a drink.  Try it.  When you willingly throw your money away like that, you enable gold digging women who will take a drink, sip it, talk with you and then when they’re done, they cough … if you don’t buy another drink they walk away.  They should do that, you shouldn’t be buying the drink to begin with.

In the end I can’t blame women for taking easy money.  If I walked outside right now and say an envelope filled with bills, I’d pick it up and keep moving.  If I don’t have to do anything for a few extra dollars, why not?  I think LivingSocial should come out with a deal that says, $40 worth of drinks for $0 (That’s right for FREE), and then direct most women to the nearest popular happy hour spot in the city.  And don’t let it be a Supper Club because she’ll end up getting a LivingSocial coupon that says, $50 worth of food and drinks for $0 (That’s right for FREE).  So again, I state, I’m not mad at the gold digger, she’s doing what anyone would do in her situation, I’m mad at the noodles who enable gold diggers.