Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P. Michael Jackson 1958-2009, the only man badder than me.

My mother told me that my nickname was, Bad from birth.

Like I literally used to just sit there and record the music videos on tape. Like the old school VHS, then I would learn all the dances.... I learned Thriller in like a day and so at Thanksgiving or any family event they would be like, yeah lil' Andy do the Michael dance you showed me before. And I would do it and whatnot. I think every dance that Michael ever had I learned to do, even the dance from You Rocked My World. So I guess all i'm trying to say is that, anyone who is like who is Michael Jackson? I'd be like, well he's kind of a big deal... so ask about him.

Single-handedly the man is responsible for me, NEVER, losing an old school dance competition, because I can moonwalk better than Carlton. And i'm really glad that I copped my red leather jacket from the Beat It video, last year, instead of right now, when it's probably worth like $25K, and I only paid $300, na nanananan BOO BOO.

*tearing my tee shirt*
"Jump on!"
(Dancing with Africans in the desert)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Welcome to Your Quarterlife Crisis

Imagine a day in the life of a couple you probably know. He’s 27 years old, and she’s 26. They wake up beside each other in his downtown bachelor apartment and have sex that neither of them particularly enjoys. They’ve been sort-of dating for a while now, but they’re not willing to commit to each other: he likes her, but doesn’t know if he always will. She can’t decide if she likes him more or less than the other two guys she’s sleeping with.

Read the rest at:

They won't go when I go: I came here by myself and i'm going to leave by myself, so f*ck them

Pardon me, but lately i've just been feeling like at a certain point you have to look in the mirror and wonder if the person looking back at you is happy. Ever wondered if you were alone, or if you were going in a different direction. Maybe i'm going in this different direction that's ill-advised, but i'm just getting tired of going the suggested route. Perhaps, i'm seeing the fork in the road and i'm deciding to take the short cut through the woods. I'm just not into the same things I used to be into, and I find myself doing things that I have no clue why I do them. I find myself missing things in my life that everyone but me thinks I should have.

Everyone wants me to have a plan. I had a plan, I think i've been looking at it lately and realizing that it wasn't really what I wanted to do, it's what someone else wants me to do. Well, what is your five-year plan? My five-year plan is that I hope that in five years, i'm happy. That I don't have days when I feel like just moving and not telling anyone. I hope that I don't have days when I just shake my head because I feel like the world is so inconsiderate and i'm a fool for being considerate. I just hope that in five years you find out that when a person calls themselves a friend you don't find out later that they are a horrible friend. I want to be able to say in five years that i'm surrounded by loved ones who are positive influences on my life. Who realize that i'm much different than everyone else so stop giving me the advice that you give everyone else.

I went through this period of time in my life, well actually I go through it periodically, and I was literally putting up a front for everyone and maintaining an image that was not reflective of what was going on in my life. People say I put up walls, but often times I think people just don't pay attention. When you go through certain things in life and you begin to feel alone in a room full of friends it makes you wonder if you're building a iron curtain, or if your friends just really don't know you. I'm often soon to find out that there is a small subset of my friends who can tell when i'm going through something and just are like, "J, I can see that something is off with you. And when you are ready to talk about i'm here." Those friends are the ones who know me.

I guess all i'm trying to say is, i've reached a point where I realize that I got some shit going on in my life that I need to tend to. That I need to get under control. And if that means a change of scenery or a change in direction of my life then sobeit, but i'm going to stop worrying about please everyone else and work on the only person I see when i'm looking in the mirror. The only person I came to this planet with, and the only person i'll leave this life with.

Monday, June 22, 2009

June 22, 2009: The Day of the Metro Crash

Dear DMV:

I work downtown near Metro Center. I left work today at 4:30PM on the dot. I actually remember this for a fact because I hit the standby button on my laptop as soon as I saw the time. I walked to the Metro Center metro station to board the red line train in the direction of Silver Spring. As soon as I walk into the station i'm overwhelmed with humidity. I still don't understand why Metro can't spring for some A/C. As i'm walking into the station the station operator announces, "We're currently experiencing delays on the Red Line in the direction of Shady Grove because of mechanical difficulties. Trains are sharing one track between Van Ness-UDC and Friendship Heights." And as i'm walking in the station i'm like it's going to be freaking packed on these trains. So TWO trains come and as people try to force their way on the train, i'm like listen this shit ain't worth it, i'm just going to wait it out. I wait and catch the third one that came. I was actually able to get a seat and I felt good about my commute, after all I have to go all the way to Silver Spring, a seat is a godsend.

While i'm sitting in my seat, chatting on my phone, and I have a free seat next to me, so I have a little breathing room. Suddenly this lady comes and stands right over my seat, but doesn't sit down. She essentially blocks anyone from sitting down next to me. It bothers me because the woman was morbidly obese, but whatever. She gets off the train at maybe Union Station and then per usual... a bigger woman comes and sits next to me. Why is this always happening to me?! Whatever, it is what it is. As we are heading into Brookland metro station, the train suddenly stops. I'm like eff... The train conductor comes on the intercom and says, "We have been instructed to hold here because there are trains currently ahead of us."

As we sat for several minutes the train conductor comes over and says, "I apologize for the delay but there is currently a power outage at Fort Totten and Takoma station." About 20 minutes of sitting on the train, there are whispers of a train collision. I get a gchat from 718.

718: I assume your mom doesn't take the train.
me: I'm on the fucking train! Train crash?
718: Yep. This shit is all over the news.
me: What's the damage
718: One train's on top of the other at Fort Totten.

It is at this point that things became real. I realized that it was going to be a long day. A barrage of text messages, BBMs and gchats came in about the accident. Many loved ones and friends checking in on me and making sure I am okay, and i'm thankful for that. I get this BBM:

me: How bad is it?
Youngest MILF: Unknown number of casualties... at least one person killed, massive injuries.

Shit just got real.

After about an hour the train was reversed back to Rhode Island Ave. and unloaded. I called the original Dr. J, my mother and asked her to come scoop me. Disaster truly avoided. I am truly blessed and my prayers go out to the families of anyone who was killed or hurt. As i'm writing this I think that Metro is still only reporting 6 dead, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are more.

It's times like this that I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a guardian angel that I probably don't deserve. If I had forced my way on that train when I got to Metro Center, who knows what train I could have been on. I was nearly at the Brookland metro station when this whole thing went down.

With that said, Dr. J is okay. Thanks to all of you who reached out to make sure I was OK. But let's turn our focus and prayers to the ones killed, injured or unaccounted for at this time.

God bless.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Morning Mail - 06.18.09

Felix: Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Max: No.
Felix: Nor do I. Nor do I, but my children do. They are still small. But do you know who they like even better than Santa Claus? His helper, Pedro el Negro. Black Peter. There's an old Mexican tale that tells of how Santa Claus got so very busy looking out for the good children that he had to hire some help to look out for the bad children. So he hired Pedro. And Santa Claus gave him a list with all the names of all the bad children. And Pedro would come every night to check them out. And the people, the little kids that were misbehaving, that were not saying their prayers, Pedro would leave a little toy donkey on their window. A little burro. And he would come back, and if the children were still misbehaving, Pedro would take them away, and nobody would ever see them again. Now, if I am being Santa Claus, and you are Pedro, how do you think jolly Santa Claus would feel if one day Pedro came into his office and said, 'I lost the list.' How fucking furious do you think he will get?

(Source: Collateral)

The Following Links are for True2me - Shakara... yep, she can get it too.


Your comment section was hating on my links. You're welcome.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Insecurity: We all suffer from it, just don't be so obvious

The following things exhibit extreme insecurity, and thus they bother me:

1) Do I look fat? Aesthestically insecure.
Whenever asked this question I go to a place in my head that gives two answers; (1) Yes. (2) No, and since you don't, I think you must have some type of eating disorder, so i'm inclined to say, "Yes" just because I know it will really piss you off. I don't like people who look for affirmation and validation in the eyes of other people to me that's just a sign of low self-esteem. I realize that we all care what people think, but we cannot be slaves to other people's opinions of what right and wrong is. If you said to me, "Dr. J you look a hot ass mess right now" but I thought I looked fly, i'll just keep right on moving because no one asked you to wear what I have on my back.

2) Blackberry vs. iPhone.
Don't you just hate when someone has to tell you about something they have and compare it to something you have? I'll give you a perfect example, i've never heard of a BlackBerry user coming up to someone with an iPhone and saying, "My phone is better than yours." However, every person with an iPhone feels the need to tell you every chance they get how much better their phone is than yours. In my opinion, if you were so happy with it, you wouldn't feel the need to prove it was better. I think people should pay for what they want to pay for and not comment about what someone else spends their money on. That's simple manners. I tell you one thing I learned early on from my father not to comment on what he spent his money on. That was an easy way to get a, "Maybe you should mind your own damn business."

3) I'm focused on my career. Bullshit, you don't think you'll get what you want.
This is a weak statement when ever I hear it from anyone. Because at the end of the day we make time for what we want to make time for. And there are 24 hours in a day and 99% of Americans do not work 24 hours a day. The average work day is 8 hours, of which most people are only productive 75% of the time. That's approximately 6 hours, remove the hour you took for lunch and in reality you only do about 5 hours of work a day. Leaving you with 19 hours a day to BS. When you say, i'm focused on my career, or i'm too busy at work, what you really mean to say is, I haven't found the option I want so i'm blaming something other than my inadequacies or the fact that what I desire doesn't want me on someone other than myself.

Morning Mail - 06.17.09

Brooke: You're crazy. Gary: No, I'm not crazy and a lot of times people go "Oh that's crazy!" then they go "It's genious!". That's what happened to the person who invented fire, they burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff. Now where are we headed to. Let's not make this weird 'cause I'm not good on dates...
(Source: The Break-up)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Casual Sex Is Screwing Relationships

I saw this on the internet today and wanted to share it here. Take a look.

by CocoaDiva

Hooking up, and getting it in with random folks you have no real interest in dating is killing relationships. There I said it. Start sending me those hate comments right now. I am sooooooo tired of hearing about everyone having sex and blowing out backs. Someone is lying or I should have bought stock in Trojan during this recession. I swear to God if I hear about another jumpoff I may sell my eggs to science.

Morning Mail - 06.11.09

Pinto: Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
Clorette De Pasto: You've never made out with a girl before?
Pinto: No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but i was drunk...
Clorette De Pasto: That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. And besides, I lied to you, too.
Pinto: Oh, yeah? What about?
Clorette De Pasto: I'm only 13.

(Source: Animal House)

I am not a fan of capital punishment, but I hope the guy who killed somebody at the Holocaust museum yesterday gets the gas chamber. Seriously, 88 year old white supremacist. What is the f*ck is good?!

Then DC resulted to being DC and closed mad roads and bridges and traffic was a hot mess last night. Took me 2 hours to make my usual 25 minute commute. Now everybody got to go through Georgetown… BS of all bullshits.

Me: Do you really know what this ‘Like a Virgin’ song is about?
Bday girl: No.
Bday girl’s friend: I know.
Me: What does it mean?
Bday girl’s friend: It’s about a girl who has sex with a guy and he f*cks her so hard it feels like her first time again.
Bday girl: Hmm..
(These girls were celebrating the Bday girl’s 21st Birthday, smfh)

I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
I gotta fly by myself, go get high myself this time

The cycle is Shawn Michaels (heartbreak),
And yeah I like you but not enough to wife you
You say I'm nice, true, and you think I'm the right dude
But there's another girl just like you (like who?)

And on the road, 'nother night , 'nother show
New e-vent in a new time zone
And the live show is so mind-blowin
And it's my show so you know I'm blown (you know)

No text's gonna give me head
Long distance just ain't my thing
Young single don't need no ring
I'm a free man now I don't need no strings, sing

Lig and Gig.

I got more ether for you.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Random Communications

: We're weirdos
: Weirdos like Noah and Allie or Bleeker and Juno?

: I don't see what anyone can see in anyone but you.
: Funny thing is the ppl who sing that song r so ugly and weird.

Morning Mail - 06.09.09

Juno MacGuff: As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.
(Source: Juno)

If we could all be so lucky.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fauxmosexuals -

Someone who gives every appearance of being homosexual, but is in fact heterosexual. A fauxmosexual male may display metrosexual attention to hygiene, style, and culture, have an effeminate speech pattern or display effeminate behavoir in gesticulation and mannerism, and/or give the basic impression of being gay. A faumosexual female may be fairly butch in appearance and style, display a militant feminist ("feminazi") attitude toward men, or show strong proclivities toward Lilith Fair or other female empowerment. These are the people you "just know" are gay, but who seem to show proof to the contrary.

Spread the word throughout the land, there are frauds among us. Being probably one of the most non-homophobic men you’ll meet, this offends me. I don’t have a problem with homosexuality, but I do have problems with people in the closet. I don’t like liars. And so I don’t like the fauxmosexual and I will smoke him out like the scoundrel he is.

Thoughts TBJ readers?

Morning Mail - 06.08.09

Eversmann: I was talking to Blackburn the other day, and he asked me "What changed? Why are we going home?" and I said "Nothing." That's not true either; I think everything's changed. I know I've changed.
Eversmann: You know a friend of mine asked me before I got here; it's when we were all shipping out. He asked me "Why are you going to fight somebody else's war? What, do you think you're heroes?" I didn't know what to say at the time, but if he'd ask me again I'd say no. I'd say there's not way in hell. Nobody asks to be a hero.
Eversmann: It just sometimes turns out that way.

(Source: Black Hawk Down)

It’s just the mood I’m in this week.

There used to be a time when I didn’t think what I think now about a certain person.

I bumped into Eric Benet on Sunday in Georgetown.

Neighbor: The only reason why you’re try to do that is to piss her off.
Me: Exactly, now you’re understanding where I’m coming from!

Quote of the night, “I’m 20.”

The Return of Jackson to Facebook and Twitter is coming July 1st.

I haven’t been to the movies in so long it’s ridiculous. I just don’t go anymore.

So maybe I can cook. As if we didn’t already know that.

“What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.” (W.H. Auden)

We shall keep this quote in our back pocket because it will be the agenda for the summer.

I pose this question...

Good Morning,

I stole this from SSSO this morning, but i'm interested to know your thoughts?

2. If you went to ATM and typed in $40.00 but it gave you $140.00, what would you do? (The caveat: your statement says it gave you $40.00.)

Post your answers in the comments section.

I'm just getting to the morning mail now.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Morning Mail - 06.05.09

Slevin: I'm sorry, who are you?
The Boss: I'm The Boss.
Slevin: I thought he was The Boss.
The Boss: Why? Do we look alike? So you were gonna tell me something?
Slevin: I don't know, you brought me here.
The Boss: Yes. But back when you thought I was him.
Slevin: I didn't think you were him, I thought he was you. And I was trying to tell him - you that you picked up the wrong guy.
The Boss: The wrong guy for what?
Slevin: Whatever it is you wanna see me about.
The Boss: Do you know what I wanna see you about?
Slevin: No.
The Boss: Then how do you know I got the wrong guy?
Slevin: Cause I'm not...
The Boss: Maybe I want to give you $96,000. In that case do I still have the wrong guy?
Slevin: Do you wanna give me $96,000?
The Boss: No, do you wanna give me $96,000?
Slevin: No, should I?
The Boss: I don't know, should you?
Slevin: I don't know, should I?
The Boss: [pause] Long story - short.
Slevin: I think we're well passed that.
The Boss: I bet it was that mouth that got you that nose.
Slevin: Okay, I'm under the impression that you're under the impression that I owe you $96,000...?
The Boss: No, you owe Slim Hopkins $96,000. You owe Slim, Slim owes me. You owe me.

(Source: Lucky Number Slevin)

You ever just been confused when someone was talking to you?

Lakers win Game 1. Damn son… it was all good just a week ago.

I’ve done a lot of writing in the last few days, I’m going to take a day off from the Morning Mail and answer it later.

Have a safe and good weekend.
True what’s good with the meet and greet?

This is my 96th Post.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dolla: Hip Hop's Ugly Face

This post can be found at VLAD TV, it's my debut article over there. This story touched me because as much as I love hip-hop and love how real it can be, I hate when we lose lives over bullshit. Check out the site and as always, Thanks for your ongoing support:

The day before Dolla flew to LA to record the rest of his album, he was killed on May 18, 2009 at approximately 3:10 pm. Along with Scrapp DeLeon and DJ Shabbazz, they were waiting in the Beverly Center's VIP valet parking and auto detailing lounge area, in Los Angeles after a shopping trip. The area was located is behind the P. F. Chang's China Bistro pictured to the left.

The three entered the mall's valet parking lobby located by the Macy's Men Shop via the express elevator that runs from the 7th floor directly to the 1st floor. Shots were fired. The majority of panicked witnesses fled and hid in two of the Mall's sidewalk restaurants on the La Cienega Boulevard side � P. F. Chang's China Bistro and Chipotle Mexican Grill. Those that ran into the latter restaurant screamed to the manager to lock the door.[6]

"The customers were yelling 'close the store, close the store, because somebody is shooting,' " said Elsa Hernandez, general manager of the Chipotle restaurant.[7]

L.A.P.D. Police officer Karen Reyner said the victim and the gunman had been arguing before the attack. This incident was said to be leading from a prior altercation that happened at a strip club in Atlanta 3 weeks before. After the shooting, the gunman fled in a silver Mercedes-Benz.

Brother man was arriving in town to finish recording his album! So who knows what could have come from that, we will never know. And I write this piece as someone looking in and not knowing much about this young man's life or plight.

In a world so concerned with young Black men being "thugs" we ask our Black entertainment artists to be the same. How much credibility would Jay-Z have gotten if he didn't drop seven straight albums talking about selling drugs? Up until just a few short years ago, in most circles the two greatest rappers of all-time were Biggie or 2Pac, both gangster rappers. And how did that story end? Tragically. When your image meets reality. Biggie and 2Pac were entertainers and pulled into the reality of guns and violence, their lives taken so early.

Do you remember the first time you heard C-Murder was going to jail for attempted murder? You sat there and you said to yourself, when you have the world in your hands why are you acting like a knucklehead. Well it's because we see a public image that doesn't really ever show us how deep the rabbit hole goes. As it pertains to Dolla, what went on in that strip club in Atlanta? Whatever it was, it followed him all the way to Los Angeles, and involved miscreants who have the balls to shoot and murder a public figure in broad daylight in a popular shopping mall. Was it an argument over a chick? An argument over some money owed? Or maybe an argument over whether Dolla had sold out?

I'll tell you a secret; I commend artists who sell out because in reality, they rarely completely do. Real talk, why are we so convinced that people change when they get on? I don't think that you can automatically change overnight. I look back at times when I was 19 working in a studio as an engineer and the local talent who would come in to record would actually be selling drugs and living a life of crime. Now, tell me what you would do if your whole life all you did was sell penny weight, and now some Record executive gave you 250K and said, go and be merry. Don't worry, I'll wait. In my mind, when you make it you will have a hard time leaving all you've known behind and trying to step up into a new world. So in reality we don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes with Dolla and his connection in Atlanta.

And in closing, do we ever learn? Do we look at what the past has brought us and make some changes? Nope. We continue to see rappers going at each other's crews, money, family and baby mothers, doesn't this sound familiar? It's these unfriendly reminders every so often that remind us, that life is fragile, and we are not invincible, and it's not fair to the families of these artists that we continue to allow music to get so misconstrued into violence.

So as Talib said, "Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run and there's nothing new, Where do we go for inspiration? It's like pain is our only inspiration."

As I was writing this story, the following incident occurred:Ortega Henderson, a 25-year-old up-and-coming rapper, died from complications of gunshot wounds sustained in a shooting that took place on May 16. Ortega Henderson succumbed to his injuries last week and died in Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri.

Morning Mail - 6.04.09

Connie Sumner: Talk to me. Tell me what you did.
Edward Sumner: No, you tell me what you did! How you fucked him over and over and over, you lied to me over and over and over.
Connie Sumner: Edward, please.
Edward Sumner: No, you don't talk to me now. I gave everything... for this family. Everything... and what did you do? You threw it all away like it was nothing. For what? To a fucking kid! You didn't think I'd know? I wouldn't feel it? I knew it from the very first day! Because I know you, Connie. I know you, and I fucking hate you! I didn't want to kill him, I wanted to kill you!
Connie Sumner: [pauses] Oh, my God.

(Source: Unfaithful)

This used to be my favorite movie.

So I saw some girl walking across a field in the rain barefoot this morning.

The NBA Finals are finally here. And look around you, most of your teams just aren’t here anymore. Laker baby, you know that me.

I haven’t talked to people at my job in weeks, today was the first time they asked me if everything was okay. Good job, McFly.

I’m tired and hungry.

Why this ignorant kid was on the train this morning listening to his Sidekick without headphones?

I hate morbidly obese people. That’s a choice, not just genetics. And I think this is another reason why I’m convinced I’m moving to Europe one day. I just cannot deal with the diets of Americans, it’s so unhealthy. Like when you are out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs because your poor heart has to carry around 250lbs. on your 5’3” frame at what point do you throw away the flour, Crisco, and batter from your kitchen cabinets. Pathetic.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Morning Mail - 06.03.09

Victor Sr.: You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren't any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can't do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here... and you don't even know the fucking difference.
(Source: Go)

Brandon Marshall is crazy. Like this dude is crazy.

They keep trying to break me down, but it just won’t work.

I’m not sure about this mailbox today, it’s sort of empty.

You heard it here first, Jameer Nelson ain’t gonna do squat. Lakers in 4.

I saw the trailer for Twilight: New Moon today. BAWSE.

Streetz is an asshole for this post:

The goal is to your best because that’s all you can do. You hope that people know your heart so that when there are questions they can give you the benefit of doubt. However, if they won’t give you that benefit of doubt then you let them think what they want. Don’t deal in doubting.

I am fighting the good fight. It seems as though everyone around me is getting summer boo’s. Not I said the cat. I got to be by myself.

Got some hot new material coming out in the next few days so stay tuned.

Wish me luck.

Gig and Lig.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Morning Mail - 06.02.09

Ryan: One - you can't do it. You just can't. This isn't a personal attack towards you, I'm just saying that no man can do it, it goes against nature. The male was biologically designed to spread his seed. You're gonna piss off the seeds Matt! It goes against science! You wanna be the guy who goes against science?
Matt: And two?
Ryan: And two, are you out of your fucking mind? You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich, you think you can go 40 days? Did your brother put you up to this?
Matt: No - in fact he's been about as supportive as you are. Look, this doesn't affect you in any way.
Ryan: Oh, this affects everybody...

(Source: 40 Days & 40 Nights)

What was strange about yesterday was how it ended… I just went home, watched TV and went to bed. I had no energy to do anything else.

I love Law & Order!

Here’s something that’s been on my mind. If a girl tells you, I do not want to have sex if I’m not in a relationship, and you tell her, OK, then I don’t think we should talk anymore. Am I wrong? And let me follow this up, and preview my I’m a Libra post. It’s not that I have to have sex before a relationship, I just hate being told what I can and can’t do.

I told someone to watch Friends and they said, “Ehhh..” And I said, well you should watch it because I find that show to be hilarious and if you did maybe you’d understand some of the things that I find funny. It would clue you in on my sense of humor.

I had some really weird dreams last night. I had a dream I was fighting these huge super heroes in Capital Plaza. That’s really weird to me.

At times you keep running out of reasons for why you won’t do something.

Finally got my work laptop back yesterday from IT. New hard-drive at least they didn’t take my documents. Pictures and Music is gone.

Since I’m back at the client site for a few days, I’m back to my shitty wireless connection.

I did not share this with you all yesterday, I was up until like 6am on Sunday morning. An accomplishment for my sleepy ass!

I decided to blog about Performance Reviews. Trust me it’s a must read. Please check me out at:

Look, do yourself a big favor and download this song: Be By Myself – Asher Roth, I have never heard something that really summed up life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Starting to think about how perhaps we overcomplicate things, we blur the lines of what relationships should be. We “play house”, and then wonder why we can’t find life partners. I think that sometimes after we’ve tasted from the tree of life, our complete system of standards changes and we now overcomplicate simple factors of our lives.

The cell phone that flew into the pool on Saturday, TOO FUNNY. I love them.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jennifer Anniston'ed

Am I the only one who thinks something must sincerely be wrong with Jennifer Anniston? I mean, she very attractive, has a great body, seems like the perfect girlfriend, but she keeps getting dumped by men. I just can't explain it any other way. One day I was reading this interview with John Mayer and he was saying how she is obsessed with herself. She's a gym nut, she's very vain, likes things her way, and just very stubborn. Translation... this b*tch is crazy. Oh but its nothing like when that dude gets a new chick. A new chick even if its not serious can make you forget all about the old chick. And there's nothing better than being able to say, yep this is the new and improved you.

We typically try and do this in three's because the greatest things in life often come in three's. So here are your keys to victory:

1) Its a 1000 yous, it's only one of me. Get another chick that looks just like the old chick. If you are dating a bad ass redbone chick, go to the club with 10 of them. If she’s in law school, date 10 lawyers. If you dated a chick with a stupid ass, you need to find 7 of them who's ass is in Special Ed. You have got to send a message that you are the priority and they are the option.

2) Get a new chick that is nothing like the old chick. Ooooh this is a good one. If you are dating a redbone, lawyer chick from Atlanta. Drop her ass and date an Asian girl, Peace Corps volunteer from Wyoming. You switch it up, leave them scratching their head. It will make them wonder why you were with them to begin with. If she was older, date younger. And do not forget the wisest words ever spoken, “If you want to be five, f*ck it, I’ll be four.” – The Greatest Author Ever. So if you’re 26, dating a 28 year old, start dating a 19 year old. Nothing pisses older women off more than when men go for super young women. It’s the one thing you can never get back, youth.

3) And the money’s really worthless, so I'm pissing you off on purpose. Get a chick you know she going to hate. Like just so she can tell her friends, "she aint even his type." If the last one was extrovert and always out and about, try one that’s introvert and never leaves home. If your last chick knows that you hate bangs, date a girl with bangs. Because your last chick knows exactly how much that really annoys you.

Here's what you're going to do:

1) Take more pictures. Pictures on pictures on pictures on pictures. Ain't nothing worse than finding out you've been deaded on a mixtape, joof, than having your home girl send you a link of your old dude and the new chick he's dating. I mean you need to be Kanye and Amber Rose with the pictures.

2) Go hard or don't go at all. If you was gonna take the last chick to Miami, take the new one to Bangkok. If you was going to buy her Steve Madden’s buy the new chick Jimmy Choo. Overdo it, add the fire and explosion to it. This is all with the intention of saying, “This coulda been you, but you chose differently.”

3) In this club?! In this club. I'm not big on public displays of affection, but that will really piss them off. "Why they got to be all up on each other?!" “Ain’t nobody trying to see all of that.” Don’t be obvious with it though. You will be found out if you are disgusting and inappropriate. But there is something to be said about Michelle and Barack Obama. They are always in each other’s arms, they show a lot of affection for one another, but they are not overpowering to the point where you are uncomfortable. Sometimes a woman can tell everything about the way a man feels about a girl based on the way he looks at her.

Whatever... EVER.... EEEEEEVER you do, don't get a wack chick. That's an automatic lost. “Nah you getting a coke” status. That's when your boys say to you when you ask who won. "I mean it was a tie. Like you won the fistfight, but she knocked you out."

This goes both ways too ladies. No double standards. You have to do the same thing and its a lot easier for you to do it. And I know the first comment out some chick's mouth will be, you sound bitter. No I'm not bitter, but as I always say, I'm vindictive with this ether I spit.

Keep it 100.

Morning Mail - 06.01.09

Edward Cullen: Shall we?
Isabella Swan: You're serious?
Edward Cullen: Oh, why not?
Isabella Swan: [sighs] Hmm.
Edward Cullen: See? You're dancing.
Isabella Swan: [giggles] At prom. Edward why did you save me? You should've just let the venom spread. I could be like you by now.
Edward Cullen: You don't know what you're saying. You don't want this.
Isabella Swan: I want YOU. Always.
Edward Cullen: I'm not gonna end your life for you.
Isabella Swan: I'm dying already. Every second I get closer, older.
Edward Cullen: That's the way it's supposed to be.
Isabella Swan: Alice said she saw me like you. I heard her.
Edward Cullen: Her visions change.
Isabella Swan: Yeah, based on what people decide. I've decided.
Edward Cullen: [somewhat bitterly] So that's what you dream about, becoming a monster.
Isabella Swan: I dream about being with you, forever.
Edward Cullen: Forever?
[Bella nods]
Edward Cullen: And are you ready right now?
Isabella Swan: [hesitant] Yes.
Edward Cullen: [sighs] Is it not enough, just to have a long and happy life with me?
Isabella Swan: [after a second of thought] Yeah. For now.
Isabella Swan: [voiceover] No one will surrender tonight, but I won't give in. I know what I want.
(Source: Twilight)

I have the impeccable gift of, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Some quotes of the weekend:
“He’s not paying attention to you anyway.”
“I feel like LeBron’s agent right now.”
“Here’s what they don’t understand, you made some decisions in your past that you just cannot take back. And that’s when you went from being wifey material to being a regular chick who just hopes to get married. And to be honest you knew what you were doing was wrong, but you did it anyway. Because you wanted to, and you was like, “I’m young and I’m just trying to have fun.” Well, to be honest with you girl, that’s how the West was lost. There is a double standard out here and the more we try to deny it the more unhappier you will be. As a man, I can get my ish together. As a woman, you are scarred for life. That’s not my problem.”

Women are smart, do whatever you can to stupid them up.

I don’t care what anyone says, no condoms, no birth control, you’re trying to have kids.

The moral of the story is this, it’s going to be a great summer.

I think that there is no such thing as good girls and bad girls, good guys and grimy dudes, it’s just good people and bad people. And the goal of life is to keep all of the good people away from the bad people. Keeping in mind that the bad people hide like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Yeah, if I was a bad person, I’d kill myself too.

Laker baby, you know that’s me. Four more wins. I almost cried on Friday.

Every time I go to NYC, I always somehow end up in Mansion. I have never seen marijuana so liberally smoked in a public place.

And fuck you.
(Glad I got that out my system, since I clearly won’t say it to the people I need to say it to directly.)

Gig and Lig.