Monday, June 1, 2009

Jennifer Anniston'ed

Am I the only one who thinks something must sincerely be wrong with Jennifer Anniston? I mean, she very attractive, has a great body, seems like the perfect girlfriend, but she keeps getting dumped by men. I just can't explain it any other way. One day I was reading this interview with John Mayer and he was saying how she is obsessed with herself. She's a gym nut, she's very vain, likes things her way, and just very stubborn. Translation... this b*tch is crazy. Oh but its nothing like when that dude gets a new chick. A new chick even if its not serious can make you forget all about the old chick. And there's nothing better than being able to say, yep this is the new and improved you.

We typically try and do this in three's because the greatest things in life often come in three's. So here are your keys to victory:

1) Its a 1000 yous, it's only one of me. Get another chick that looks just like the old chick. If you are dating a bad ass redbone chick, go to the club with 10 of them. If she’s in law school, date 10 lawyers. If you dated a chick with a stupid ass, you need to find 7 of them who's ass is in Special Ed. You have got to send a message that you are the priority and they are the option.

2) Get a new chick that is nothing like the old chick. Ooooh this is a good one. If you are dating a redbone, lawyer chick from Atlanta. Drop her ass and date an Asian girl, Peace Corps volunteer from Wyoming. You switch it up, leave them scratching their head. It will make them wonder why you were with them to begin with. If she was older, date younger. And do not forget the wisest words ever spoken, “If you want to be five, f*ck it, I’ll be four.” – The Greatest Author Ever. So if you’re 26, dating a 28 year old, start dating a 19 year old. Nothing pisses older women off more than when men go for super young women. It’s the one thing you can never get back, youth.

3) And the money’s really worthless, so I'm pissing you off on purpose. Get a chick you know she going to hate. Like just so she can tell her friends, "she aint even his type." If the last one was extrovert and always out and about, try one that’s introvert and never leaves home. If your last chick knows that you hate bangs, date a girl with bangs. Because your last chick knows exactly how much that really annoys you.

Here's what you're going to do:

1) Take more pictures. Pictures on pictures on pictures on pictures. Ain't nothing worse than finding out you've been deaded on a mixtape, joof, than having your home girl send you a link of your old dude and the new chick he's dating. I mean you need to be Kanye and Amber Rose with the pictures.

2) Go hard or don't go at all. If you was gonna take the last chick to Miami, take the new one to Bangkok. If you was going to buy her Steve Madden’s buy the new chick Jimmy Choo. Overdo it, add the fire and explosion to it. This is all with the intention of saying, “This coulda been you, but you chose differently.”

3) In this club?! In this club. I'm not big on public displays of affection, but that will really piss them off. "Why they got to be all up on each other?!" “Ain’t nobody trying to see all of that.” Don’t be obvious with it though. You will be found out if you are disgusting and inappropriate. But there is something to be said about Michelle and Barack Obama. They are always in each other’s arms, they show a lot of affection for one another, but they are not overpowering to the point where you are uncomfortable. Sometimes a woman can tell everything about the way a man feels about a girl based on the way he looks at her.

Whatever... EVER.... EEEEEEVER you do, don't get a wack chick. That's an automatic lost. “Nah you getting a coke” status. That's when your boys say to you when you ask who won. "I mean it was a tie. Like you won the fistfight, but she knocked you out."

This goes both ways too ladies. No double standards. You have to do the same thing and its a lot easier for you to do it. And I know the first comment out some chick's mouth will be, you sound bitter. No I'm not bitter, but as I always say, I'm vindictive with this ether I spit.

Keep it 100.

3 comments:

missv463 said...

now are these tips for when a dude/chick you were dating did something shady and you had to dump their @$$?

if not, this seems a little extreme... like, why do you have to go out of your way to make him/her feel jealous/bad about themselves?

anyway, my MO is to always upgrade when looking for the next main boo/boyfriend... the sidepieces don't matter.

True2me said...

its all in comedy missv

funny post by the way

I think you should call it getting kanye/amber'd tho

Sup J

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

LOVE IT!