Wednesday, June 24, 2009
They won't go when I go: I came here by myself and i'm going to leave by myself, so f*ck them
Pardon me, but lately i've just been feeling like at a certain point you have to look in the mirror and wonder if the person looking back at you is happy. Ever wondered if you were alone, or if you were going in a different direction. Maybe i'm going in this different direction that's ill-advised, but i'm just getting tired of going the suggested route. Perhaps, i'm seeing the fork in the road and i'm deciding to take the short cut through the woods. I'm just not into the same things I used to be into, and I find myself doing things that I have no clue why I do them. I find myself missing things in my life that everyone but me thinks I should have.
Everyone wants me to have a plan. I had a plan, I think i've been looking at it lately and realizing that it wasn't really what I wanted to do, it's what someone else wants me to do. Well, what is your five-year plan? My five-year plan is that I hope that in five years, i'm happy. That I don't have days when I feel like just moving and not telling anyone. I hope that I don't have days when I just shake my head because I feel like the world is so inconsiderate and i'm a fool for being considerate. I just hope that in five years you find out that when a person calls themselves a friend you don't find out later that they are a horrible friend. I want to be able to say in five years that i'm surrounded by loved ones who are positive influences on my life. Who realize that i'm much different than everyone else so stop giving me the advice that you give everyone else.
I went through this period of time in my life, well actually I go through it periodically, and I was literally putting up a front for everyone and maintaining an image that was not reflective of what was going on in my life. People say I put up walls, but often times I think people just don't pay attention. When you go through certain things in life and you begin to feel alone in a room full of friends it makes you wonder if you're building a iron curtain, or if your friends just really don't know you. I'm often soon to find out that there is a small subset of my friends who can tell when i'm going through something and just are like, "J, I can see that something is off with you. And when you are ready to talk about i'm here." Those friends are the ones who know me.
I guess all i'm trying to say is, i've reached a point where I realize that I got some shit going on in my life that I need to tend to. That I need to get under control. And if that means a change of scenery or a change in direction of my life then sobeit, but i'm going to stop worrying about please everyone else and work on the only person I see when i'm looking in the mirror. The only person I came to this planet with, and the only person i'll leave this life with.