Tuesday, May 31, 2011

25 Random Questions: Featuring SaneN85

#nipslip #tittytuesday
A little while back on SingleBlackMale.org, I started to notice that there was this girl who was greeting everybody who came to the site.  She would even encourage people to put up pictures and give them instructions too on how to update their gravatar.  Naturally, someone asked me, “Do you know this SaneN85 girl?”  I ain’t know what they were talking about.  Then they said, “The one that’s always telling people to put a picture in their comments.”  And I responded, “OH YEAH!!!  Well you know, you always got to have a lightskin shorty by the door.”  And for a long time, until she decided to take LWOP, (without even asking permission), recently that was Sane.  She made sure to check you off the list and make sure that you knew that you were welcome at SingleBlackMale.  Anyway time moved on, she’s a really fabulous person.  So this is my new thing, I’m going to ask 25 random questions and someone will answer them.  Sane is first, follow her on Twitter here.  Oh it’s Sane, pronounced, [Shawn-Ay] not like [Insane].

Text in italics are the thoughts of Dr. J.

1.  Tell me about yourself.

Ummm, I really hate this question. As cliché as it is, I’m a constant contradiction. I’m a social butterfly and a misfit, I both love and can’t stand people at the same time. I’m a tomboy, survivor, and goof ball with a love of comics, movies, television, books, and softball. I’m spontaneous, forgiving, a compulsive planner, loyal to a fault, willing to try almost anything once, feisty and laid back. I’m also stubborn, emotional and unemotional, hyperactive and lazy, compassionate and disconnected. I literally could go on for days, which is why I hate this question.

2.  What’s your favorite movie?

This one is almost as hard as the first one. (That's what she said...)  I started to write and ended up with a list of like 15 movies and I can’t choose between them, so I’m just going to give you a list in no particular order here. Do with it what you wish. (That's also what she said...) 
  • Boondock Saints
  • Dazed and Confused
  • Super Troopers
  • Coming to America
  • Snatch
  • Gran Torino
  • Fight Club
  • Kill Bill Vol. 1
  • American History X
  • Sin City
  • Finding Nemo (well, all Pixar movies that aren’t Cars)
  • Amelie
  • Princess Bride
  • Clerks
  • Hangover
  • Guilty pleasure movies: The Pest and Speed
Okay, I’m not 100% happy with this list (I could make it top 20-50 even), .

3.  As a child, what was your favorite thing to do during recess?

Tetherball. Duh.  (Mine too, didn't even know everybody had that at their school.)

4.  Have you ever second guessed yourself?  Tell me about it.

I am constantly second guessing myself; it’d be hard to tell you about every time. I tend to look at every single little option and possible outcomes, so unless there is a clear solution/option, I second guess the decision.

5.  Peanut Butter.  Chunky or Creamy?

Creamy, I prefer a smooth texture to my food.

6.  Middle of the night or Morning sex?

What is this, Sane’s Choice?  (I hate when people answer "or" questions with their own question or yes or no.  The asshole in me just says, "It's a binary question, didn't ask you all that.")

7.  When you hold hands with a guy do you lock fingers?

I’ve never put any thought into this, but I guess I lock fingers.

8.  Do you prefer to wear heels or sneakers?

Sneakers. Don’t let those women who say they prefer heels fool you, we all prefer sneakers. Heels may work better with an outfit, but they are never as comfortable as sneakers. Why do you think they take them off as often as they can?

9.  Will you watch baseball, and iron out a quickie during the seventh inning stretch?

Yes.  (You answered mad quick!)

10.  Do you ever feel like you want to move to get away from family, or are you a family person to the heart?

Yes to both. I don’t see how these are mutually exclusive.

11.  What’s the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever had to tell a man?

Honestly? It’s always uncomfortable when I’m at that point in the relationship where I have to tell about my childhood. It makes people fidgety.

12.  Are you a dark or light liquor girl?

Dark. Drink of choice tends to be a little Captain.

13.  If you hadn’t voted for Obama, who would you have voted for?

Hilary. Do I really need to explain this?  (This is an asshole move because I could just fix it, but ... Hillary*.)

14.  What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

My nieces. I haven’t had the pleasure of becoming a parent yet, but if seeing my child for the first time is even half as amazing as seeing my nieces and nephew for the first time, I can’t wait. I didn’t know my heart could physically handle that much love. Runner up? The beaches in Hawaii.

15.  You’re tired after a long day but your man is horny.  The cooch or the smooch?

Nothing can really lift your mood more than sex, right? Besides, if he knows me well enough, then he knows those buttons to push that will get me in the mood regardless of how tired I am.  (Peep that it's an "or" question, and also do you know how much initiative and balls it takes for a man to push up for sex when his lady is tired after a long day?  That's some O.G. ish.)

16.  Best gift you’ve ever received? Given?

I’m trying to find something here that doesn’t fall into the “most expensive gift I’ve given” category… something that is personal. The fact is, I don’t really give gifts with a lot of emotional weight behind them. I’ll buy video games, mp3s, computers, and other “toys for adults” (not that, you pervs) gifts. When it comes to women friends or my sisters, I’ll do gift certificates to spas or favorite store, tickets to events, and other things like that. I'll also often give money that I know they need but are too prideful to ask for or unable to pay back in the future. Actually, with my sisters it's frequently me letting them pass on paying me back money they've owed me for far too long. Nothing stands out. I’ll tailor the gift to the person, but like I said nothing emotional. *shrugs*

Best gift I’ve gotten? When I was 17, I was in the mall with my mother and she randomly stopped and bought me a ring with my birth stone on it. I can’t really explain the multitude of reasons why, but I’d never really gotten a gift from her that wasn’t something like socks on Christmas or something similar. It was also the first (and last) time that I’d gotten anything from her that wasn’t also given to at least two of my siblings. It was just for me, and just for being awesome. Runner up: my engagement ring in the shape of a butterfly to remind me of my mother. 

17.  Hair pulled or ass smacked?

Again, why do I have to choose?  (I won't say nothing about it again...)

18.  What’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever done in bed?

I’m having a hard time with this one. Short of involving non-sexual bodily fluids, nothing really seems “nasty” to me. *shrugs* I guess the most abnormal thing I’ve done (and normality is subjective) is to have sex in front a friend who was playing guitar at the time. I was crazy drunk though.  (Voyeurism numbers are up.)

19.  Big, small or not at all wedding?

I’ve already done a small wedding and aside from one or two people I really missed having there, it was a great day. I prefer small, and more importantly… affordable.

20.  How do you feel about Kobe Bryant?

I don’t. If I don’t give him too much thought, I won’t have to dislike him.

21. If I paid you, would you strip in my living room for a living?

No. That would get old and boring. Besides, the only person I’d strip for is my S/O, and there would be no money involved.  (Remember how people used to play that game in elementary school that would always trick women into saying they'd do something sexual for free.  I can tell that Sane wasn't that good with those riddles.  Take the money!)

22. In high school, where did you see yourself in life?

Somewhere else, that’s for sure. I don’t know… I expected to be in a happy, stable relationship and with a great foundation built on my chosen career (at the time, it was Law).

23.  What’s your favorite thing to do for your man?

I honestly don’t have a favorite thing to do for a man. I mean, making him happy, giving him great surprises, keeping him well-satisfied in bed. All of the actions to do this varies from man to man, so it’s hard to be more specific.

24.  Where do you see yourself in five years?

Somewhere else, that’s for sure. I don’t know… I expect to be in a happy, stable relationship and with a great foundation built on my chosen career (Information Technology). I also plan to be out of the state of Washington… maybe. I’m not sure I can be that far away from my nieces.

25.  What are your words to live by?

There are a billion* quotes that I find extremely helpful/useful to live by, but the one I try to live by the most is to always leave a place/person better of (or happier) than when you found/met them. I may not always be able to fix the problems of those around me or clean up every park, but I can strive to make them better even if it’s just a compliment to make them smile. At the very least, I will do everything I can to not have a negative impact on anyone or anything.

Friday, May 27, 2011

How To Have a Wedding Like a G

Make sure you have a G ass wedding band.
You know what time of the year this is? Wedding season. Depending on how old you are, you’re going to have to get ready to shell out some major dough for your friends and their wedding. That’s $50-$200 depending on how close you are to the couple, and no a blender will not do. Nothing ticks me off then going to a boring wedding; and I’m glad to say that I’ve been to some hood weddings, I’ve been to some hilarious weddings, but I’ve only been to one boring wedding and I think it was because I was the date of someone I didn’t even like. I’ll tell the short story; woman decides that she’s too busy to date embarks on a FWB situation with Dr. J and then receives a wedding invitation to a close friend’s wedding that she cannot skip. Well, she has choices, she could ask her ex-boyfriend who also knows the bride, but he hates her guts, so he’s likely to say no. She could ask her gay friend, but that seems like a good idea to a pathetic girl, all the cool girls are like, “Oh my god, she can’t find ANY straight man who will go to a wedding with her.” So she had to ask her FWB and it’s always weird asking your FWB to do stuff with you because you have to caveat every line of the request:

“Hey, so I got invited to this wedding and I don’t have anyone to go with … so I’m tempted to just not go and make up an excuse for why I’m not going. Anyway, I don’t know, does that sound like something you want to do, it’s free food and drinks, it’s totally cool if you don’t want to do it, like seriously, if you don’t want to, it’s fine. I don’t know, she’s marrying this guy that I don’t even like all that much, but we’ve been friend since middle school, so I kind of feel like I have to go, but I don’t want to buy a dress and I don’t have a date, so I’m like … maybe I’ll skip it. Anyway, let me know.”

Here was the issue: I had absolutely nothing to do on that day she mentioned and I was like, “fuck it she fully expects me to say no” I might as well go. But if she catches that bouquet … watch me go to the bathroom. Later at that wedding when I realized that it was cash bar and also boring as hell, I was dreading the decision to drive all the way to New Jersey for this bullshit. While sitting there I took out a piece of paper and started writing out how I would plan a gangster ass wedding. This is what I got:

1. The ceremony has to be less than 45 minutes – I hate long weddings. There’s actually no reason to drag the process out any longer than it has to be. If you’re Catholic, fine, I understand. If you’re in a backyard and you just want to have us out there for hours on end just so we can stand and watch you look pretty, no way man, chill with all that. I was at a wedding and the sun was behind the preacher, the wedding lasted two hours, with the sun in our face. At one point, I took off my jacket and just made a tanning session of it. You can get married downtown at the Justice of Peace in five minutes flat, there’s no reason for us to be at your wedding ceremony for longer than 45 minutes.

2. Change the processional music – My boy had a wedding like a G out in Vegas, he came out to It’s A Man’s World and his bride came out to At Last. I thought those were perfect songs for their personalities. But the point was the old traditional wedding processional songs are boring and they are not hip to the times. I know right now, I’m commissioning Lex Luger for some real ultra beat that makes people wonder whether they’re at a wedding or a strip club for when I come in there. It won’t be nothing Drake like either, just some straight Rachet Music Label shit that everybody can be like, “Aw shit this is about to go down!” I’m just brainstorming right now but maybe 600 Benz, I’m trying to have a driveway at my wedding too, just roll into the wedding hopping out the 600 Benz with the gull wing doors. (That’s some shit you don’t know about unless you a G like myself.)  As I was writing this, I decided to have my wife come into Motivation - Kelly Rowland.

3. No singing or dancing – Why is it that people want to let their church’s dance ministry do some silly ass dance at the wedding? You know what I’m thinking every time I see this? There is a reason why you’re dancing for First Baptist Church of Reformed Jumpoffs and not for Alvin Ailey. And even if you used to be in Alvin Ailey, why are you jumping around the front of the wedding looking like Dragonfly Jones. Cut that shit out and go sit all the way down. That’s the same for people who want to have someone sing. If you could sing, you’d have a deal. The fact of the matter is you sound like Brittney Houston and what the f*ck do the children and the future have to do with these two people getting married?!

4. It’s okay to wear sunglasses – I’m going to be honest with you, Black people love wearing sunglasses at church. It’s early, or the gospel music is made for us to breakdown and have a good cry. We need to have sunglasses. That’s cool though. The true sign of a G is sunglasses in an inappropriate place. Plus you got to look out for the groomsmen, they trying to peep what they taking home later from the audience and they can’t get caught slipping since you're flashing pictures every fifteen seconds.

5. No crying – That’s cool if your bride wants to start crying, this is like the NBA Championship for women. She should be allowed to shed some #HalleBerry tears, a lot of people counted Black women down and out and didn’t expect her to never make it to the altar, but she did. So she's probably gonna cry since the majority of the friends she has have no chance at getting married. And those friends can cry too. But under no f*cking circumstances should a G cry at his wedding, or the best man. I seent you, you know who you are, turning away, that’s real odd that you started crying when you was just the best man. But anyway, you can wipe your bride’s tears but keep your to yourself. I was at a wedding one time and the groom started crying as soon as the bride hit the processional. I’m looking at him like, STOP CRYING. Now the bride, her face was dry as an island boy’s heels after a morning jog. Everybody shaking their head at this guy like, “I feel like he either f*cked a few other chicks along the way, or he just a straight b*tch and since I don’t want to call my boy a straight b*tch, I’m gonna say he been dipping out on her.” She knew what was up.

6. An open bar – You only get married once, but you want to make sure that nobody remembers it. For that reason, you need to make sure you have an open bar, correction, a top shelf open bar. There should be no Russians at your wedding serving vodka, the only people allowed are the French so pour out all the Grey Goose you can find. And how can you have a wedding and not have Hennessy??? (you know how long it takes to spell that word, as long as we been drinking it, people misspell it each time). If you’ve ever been to a wedding that was cash bar, you know that people always say it was nice, but those f*ckers were cheap for making people pay for their drinks. And also if you have to pay for drinks, you not going to go IINNN like you should at the celebration. Have you ever listened to the song, “Shout” sober? Shits wack as ass crack. The best way to sing “Shout” is drunk as a skunk with your ass in the air.

7. People should bring more bottles – You know how you at some real O.G. ish, people bring bottles of high-end liquor to have with the groom. You know he ain’t going to have no Rose at his wedding, so you bring a case of Rose for the fellas. Somebody breaks out the Patron Magnum bottle, another person has Louis XIII, and the ladies are drinking the Nuvo. (PSA: If a woman tells you that Nuvo is weak as sh*t, get away from that girl, she’s a drunk. I had like three bottles of Nuvo one time, probably will again this weekend, and I was Rainbow Sherbet wasted.) But how you going to dance with all your boys and not clutch a bottle? Y’all know when I get married I’ll be punishing bottles of Henny, at least two. No more than two… somebody help pace me.

8. There should be some real dancing and music – If your music could be played in a restaurant while people have dinner, then it’s not appropriate. I don’t know about y’all but my favorite music is anything from 1992 until 1999. I need my Death Row, Bad Boy, No Limit, Cash Money, and everything else. I want to hear Silk, Avant, R. Kelly, 702, TLC, and Total. But at the same time, I want to hear some anthem music, so please play Ballin’ and B.M.F., the point is, I want my music to be real. Yeah, we’ll get to the cha cha slide in a few, but for now let’s hear some real music and do some Dame Dash dances around the dance floor. In my head I picture it like a music video.

9. I’m lying like shit, my wedding is going to have all music done by DJ Creu and Melancia Mulhere.

10. Make sure your boys are not p*ssy – This is one last minor but most important note. Make sure you surround yourself with the right people at your wedding and it’s not just in case somebody need to get laid out for talking slick. But it’s because if your boys are real friends they will make sure that even though they won’t remember the day that you remember it. They will make sure that you shine and that everything goes to plan. Only other thing I’m going to say is make sure your female cousins and godsisters are there too and ready to fire on ratchets who might show up, or might have gotten invited and then want to act out of pocket.

My boy called me up one time and told me, “Jax, I’m getting married, you got to be in the wedding.” I took out my sheet of paper and I said, “Can I ask you a few questions before I agree to do this?” He started laughing, but I was dead ass serious. I ain’t want to be parts of a wedding that wasn’t gangster as hell. So I just started with my first question,

“Will you load up the choppers like it’s December 31st?”

PS - Big shoutout to @8plus9 aka NC17 who's exchanging some nuptials this weekend, I won't tell you why he did it, but if you look in the comments of one of my posts a few posts back he tells you.  I thought about exchanging dap with the guy, but he know and I know, DC and Baltimore don't mix, nothing come from that except a whole lot of Caprices and St. Vics in the street and people popping off.  Without further adieu, SALUD!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Men Cook Too! – Shrimp, Tomato, and Basil Pasta

 One of my hobbies is cooking, now normally I try and go above and beyond in the kitchen, but it was recommended that I do a few recipes every now and then of easy to make recipes that the men can try at home. You can probably wow a few honeys just by whipping up these recipes, shouldn’t take you more than an hour. My thing is this, a lot of times men try and cook for women and they make easy mac or ramen, and maybe some chicken breast cutlets in the microwave, this series is going to show y’all how to basically do you dougie in the kitchen.

Here’s your ingredients, and I’ll give you some adlibs along the way:

Black granite countertops, get some.
  • 1.5 pounds of medium-large shrimp (peeled, remove the tails (drop those shrimp in some running cold water for about 3 minutes to unthaw then take the tails off yourself)
  • Oil (Here’s a little known secret, once olive oil is heated, it turns to vegetable/canola oil, none of it is healthier than the other, the only difference is taste, so bruh, use what you got.)
  • 2 Garlic cloves (If you ain’t got cloves, just get some powder, or buy the pre-minced.)
  • 1 Can of Diced Tomatoes w/ juice (Hunt’s Fire Roasted with Garlic is my favorite.)
  • 1 Pint of Cherry or Grape Tomatoes, cut in halves. (These are the small tomatoes they put in salads, they are sweeter than your normal tomatoes.)
  • 1/2 pound of linguine
  • Fresh Basil (For this, I added spinach and bay leaves with the basil, I’ll explain later.)
  • Sea Salt (Sea salt holds flavor better throughout the cooking, that’s a tip that will take you far)
  • Fresh Ground Pepper
  • Old Bay Seasoning
  • A bottle of white wine
  • A glass of Hennessy (I always like to cook with a glass of Henny, it passes the time in the kitchen so I don’t wander off into the living room and get on twitter.) 
I take after my father, when i'm cooking and it gets good to me, I start humming.
First things first, get you a nice teflon skillet and turn it on high heat, put some oil in it, not a lot, just enough to coat the bottom of the pan. Take your pepper grinder and cover the oil in pepper on the pan, once that oil gets to moving around like water, drop the shrimp in there and sautee. Go ahead and give the shrimp a healthy dose of salt and pepper, and an even more generous helping of Old Bay. I prefer to keep my pan in my hand while cooking that way if it gets too hot you can easily get it away from the fire, but also because you look like a G while doing it. Do this for about three minutes and sit the shrimp aside.
2. In that same skillet put some more oil, but wait this time, don’t spread the oil out, put the garlic in right away and this should look like a paste. Add your can of tomatoes and a cup of water, more water if you like a thinner sauce. Go ahead and add some bay leaves and spinach (I added this to the dish because bay leaves add flavor to everything, and spinach is a good veggie to add, people like it a lot and it adds color, color to a dish is important), push those under the sauce, then add some garlic powder and more pepper. Pepper doesn’t hurt ANYBODY, you can use as much as you want, just go crazy and see what happens. Once that comes to a boil, reduce the heat to a low boil (simmer). Let that rock out for about 15 minutes. Once done, remove from heat, add cherry tomatoes.
3. Get a large pot, put a healthy amount of salt in the pot with some water and begin to bring to a boil. If you want to make your noodles super tasty this is an easy trick; add some butter and oregano to the water. Once you get the pot to a boil, add your noodles. They should take about 8-9 minutes to cook. (The package says al dente .. I know what that means, but for all intents and purposes that mean cooked.) Drain the pasta. Put the pasta back in the pot. Add the sauce, then the shrimp and then toss/stir. Do another round of pepper and Old Bay. See here if you add sea salt then your pasta will be crunchy, so use the Old Bay. Serve immediately and garnish with basil.

"Don't you know, I ... sit around ... with my head hanging down, and I wonder... whooooo's been loving you ---"

A few things I didn’t mention.
1) I like to heat my plates so I’m not putting hot food on cold plates. I just put the oven on 170 and place the plates in there 3 minutes before serving.
2) The white wine is the best thing to pair with a seafood pasta dish, but pick what’s best for you.
3) Steps #2 and #3 should be done almost concurrently. I would start boiling my water with about 8 minutes left for my sauce.
Recipe serves 4. That’s enough for a date and then lunch the next day. Never eat too much when you cook, you have to clean and entertain, can’t do that on a full stomach.

Final product, with some grated parmesan cheese. Notice how the plate compliments the colors of the food and season.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Three Aesthetics Guaranteed to Capture the Eye of the Male Species by Mia Anita

Guest Post today from my good friend, Mia Anita, check her out here.

As summer approaches, I have recently been putting my style and beauty hypotheses to the test on separate occasions. Within the past month, I’ve discovered three common threads that link most men, no matter the age, origin, ethnicity, hopes or dreams. These three things for some reason are like stimuli to testosterone and I felt it was only fair that I share my findings.

A. Healthy Hair in a well put together style

Dr. J's note: Men love freckles.
In my post last week, Not So Much, pt. 2 on thestyledit.com I responded to an anonymous comment surrounding the whole Carol’s Daughter model choice debacle and why I was not only confused but irritated with someone advocating the use of the phrase “good hair.” I continue this week to think how there are still people in 2011 within the Black & African American community that still find the phrase “Good Hair” acceptable for use and definition of a select few within the Black community. I’m still a bit perturbed, nonetheless I’ve found since then that other women with sense agree with me when I say, “good hair only means healthy hair.” Healthy Hair has shine, is soft, “trained,” and is most important, well moisturized. Whether natural, permed, pressed, straightened or dyed, hair is “good” when it is infused with the right product, time and care to make it smile on a daily basis. As black women, our hair is a reflection of who we are and what we want the world to know about us, and so it’s extra important when wanting to stand out in the crowd (for whatever reason – but in this case to attract a man) your roots must be prepared, because believe you me, men know more about our products and options than a lot of us do, so do your due diligence to come correct with the presentation of the locks and strands.

B. Red, Pink, Orange & Coral-based Lipstick

Dr. J's note: Lips, yum...

This category will only work if you research and take the time to find the right hue for your skin tone. As there are four colors listed, there are hundreds of skin tones that exist within the Black community. Please do enough homework to make sure the color accentuates and doesn’t make you look like Wanda from In Living Color. Also, keep in mind, during the summer months, your skin tone may change colors, if you have a go-to red lip you wear during the winter, that hue may not look right on you in the middle of august. The purpose of the color lip is to make your puckers pop, drawing the attention straight to your pout. Remember, when doing a bright lip, keep everything else simple. Clown school is not the end goal from this attempt.

C. Colors (bright hues – neon acceptable)

Spring and summer are the one time during the year that Brooklyn and the Bronx bring out colors other than navy, grey, black and brown. (Inside joke) The acceptance of color within the wardrobe livens up your mood and attracts not only the bumble bee’s but “dawgs” and sometimes “fleas” to your colorful wearable palette. (Disclaimer – depending on your attraction goal, the dawgs and fleas may require pest deterrent) The key to wearing bright colors is to not wear more than 2-3 colors at a time. The chic woman wears a full neutral look with a pop of turquoise in her necklace or in a blouse, and a pink based lip. Colors make you look brighter even when you may not feel as bright. A bright yellow or rich purple looks beautiful when bounced off of warm golden or sun kissed chocolate skin. The key is to wear in doses and to not outdo the rainbow.

Now, of course there are more than just three ways to attract a male, and yes all males are different but ALL males are truly, really simple creatures. As much as I hate to admit that on the net, it’s true. Their motivation is often led by or influenced by some woman in their life, whether it be mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, girlfriend or wife. No it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out aesthetically pleasing traits to capture attention, but it takes many a long time to realize the first and foremost way is to be happy with who you are and confident on what you have to offer, inside and out. You may find the day where you have all the outer traits on point, but if you’ve never invested on fine-tuning you inside, then the exterior doesn’t mean much.

Lastly, please remember, the title of this post says “capture the eye” not “capture, keep and get a proposal next month.” It is my belief; women have the power to lead a culture in the direction she wants it to go. However, the difficulty is in the woman discovering and implementing that power into action. And I’m not talking about the “power of the p*,” I’m speaking about the symbolism behind the phrase. Once you have that man’s attention, what are you going to do to keep that man’s attention and make him want more of it the next day, next week and next year?

It’s an ongoing quest to become the whole woman, but with a little TLC, we can all become the ideal and more!

What are some of your tips and tricks used to capture his eye?

Follow me @MiaIneedher
Friend me - Mia Anita

Monday, May 23, 2011

Your Twat Has Lost All Its Value

I spend time watching my twitter timeline on Tweetdeck sometimes for hours at a time. I actually know a lot of the people I follow so I’m watching them as they comment. I’m pretty sure you really only see women b*tching about their relationship situation. Most men aren’t bitching about theirs, but rather the entire subject of relationships as a whole. Twitter at night is good for seeing a random tweet from a chick about the dude she’s talking to. Things that she would like to say to him but can’t muster it up and so she says it to Twitter. And I can never forget all of the tweets that talk about how some dude approached a woman and how he was disrespectful or not up to par. Well, the message that I always preach is that you can tell a lot about yourself by how people treat you. Chances are if a random guy comes up to you off the street and says something wild like, “I bet you like your ass smacked really really REALLY hard,” you were giving off this image that you weren’t worth much more than that. Now when a chick is ranting about her requirements and I know her offline, a lot of times I want to say, “You really ain’t the type of chick to be making those types of demands.” It’s like I told my friends the other day, “there’s a lot of people who say you shouldn’t treat women like jumpoffs, but they fail to realize that not every one of these girls has what it takes to be a wifey.” And those women need to just take what they can get most of the time. Quite frankly, most women never realize it, but there comes a point when your twat has lost all value whatsoever.

I was talking to my friend and I said, “It’s tragic because that girl might have a really great personality and in public they will tell her that it really don’t matter how many dudes a chick been with. Behind closed doors when it’s just the fellas they are always like, ‘Yeah but she smashed mad dudes.’” And that’s real, that’s my secret’s out moment of the day, behind closed doors regardless of what we tell you, no man wants something that everyone else has. Or could have had either. The same way that women look at a man’s past relationships and make judgments on how they think that man views them, men do that too about women. If we find out that you let some football player blow your back out for a couple years in school on some “just sex” shit, we low key take some value from your pussy. We now know that you are capable of having just sex relationships and that means that we can not be 100% sure that you actually care about all the people you had sex with. Plus, it was a football player.

Here are some other ways to bankrupt your twat:

We can all prolly hit.

1) She ripping and running – I told my cousin one time long ago, figure out the woman you want to be and back yourself into that woman. And if you know what your dream guy is, just always be the type of woman that he would want. I told her that I see these chicks out here in their late twenties and they good girls, they just ain’t going to find a man to marry them because they been in the streets so long. That’s just unbecoming of a lady. And while some women don’t want to subscribe to that thought system, that don’t stop the fact that they will probably end up being single forever. That’s just how men think. We sit and do the math. You been trying to lock Andre down for years and you know that if you can get him to finally settle down you’ll be married, but you not with him, so you’re free to do what you want. So you bounce around each year living life a single woman. Now at age 32, as a man, we don’t think you’re a hoe, actually no we think you’re a hoe, we just don’t think you’re a slut or a jumpoff. Like if you smash off 20-30 dudes in your lifetime, you a hoe, but it’s politics around that vag, but that 23 year old twat still looks better. We look at the value of your twat and it’s done lost all its value because truth be told ain’t nothing really special about that twat except I’m the last person who’ll have it. We always joke that jumpoffs in college is like a game of hot potato, dudes just kept passing her around and you hope you not the one who got her pregnant and ended up stuck with her.

I want a video too, like four.

2) She had her fun – It ain’t nothing wrong with a woman going out there and having some fun. But it’s something wrong when people know about it, especially your man knows about it. I was talking to this girl one time and she told me that she had a threesome and she was into anal. I had done none of these things with her. And while most men will tell you, they were like, “aw shit this jawn is a freak.” Really what that means is, “Yes, I want to f*ck her, but wifing her, hell to the no. This twat is rancid.” With that said, I always want to advise people against doing too much adventurous stuff in the bedroom before marriage or with too many people, it takes away from the value of your twat. In an argument about threesomes I said that people have to be very careful because most women will have them but not with a dude they care about. That’s going to bug your husband to know that some dude you didn’t care about got to have all the fun. And if you do it with your husband it might bother you that you saw your husband f*cking some other chick. Sidenote, no man is really stoked about watching a chick do things to you and not to him, so don’t try that. Why you get to be pleased by the other person and not him?! This quickly turns into what I would imagine a room with Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston and the last crack rock on Earth would look like.

3) Wasted time with an ain’t shit negro – When a man is dating a woman he always wants to know about her past. I was really interested in seeing a friend of a friend and once she told me that her ex-boyfriend was a jerk and over possessive, my first question was, “How long they was together?” She said, “Oh they’ve been dealing with each other for two years, but officially nine months.” I didn’t want no parts in that twat no more. Something wrong with you to stay with a negro who treating you like shit for so long. It speak to the person you are on the inside and now I’m like, maybe I’ll smash, but I can’t wife that down. Another time I was trying to talk to this chick who had a kid, then someone pointed out her baby daddy to me. I looked at this guy and was like, wait a second, she let that dude get her pregnant?! In my mind I was like, “Men cut off limbs not to have to go to Vietnam and that’s a finger they already had.” Let me leave this alone though… Anyway, I asked her about it too because I ain’t want to stop talking to her and never tell her why and she said, “She was in a different place at that time in her life.” I just told her to go back because this place would never respect her twat’s capability to make sound decisions.

"You sleep?" - Funniest quote ever in bed.

4) It’s old – Look man with IVF nowadays women can have kids up until they’re like 40. But, let me put this as clear as possible. Not every n*gga has that type of money though. And still even with IVF it don’t do nothing to change the fact that the baby is more susceptible to down syndrome the older the mom is. That’s just a fact, you can look it up on Wikipedia. So if a man is intending on having kids with that twat he going to want it to be a certain child bearing age. So the older your twat gets the more and more he’s saying to himself, “I don’t know, by time we have kids she’ll be damn there 36.” Other thing about old twat is that women will say, “My sex drive went up when I hit my 30s.” Word? OK, but that’s a when you wanted it type of feeling. Earlier in their life, women was so amped to get out of their mama house and make some money they jumped at the opportunity to get a job. I told my homegirl at 22 that in five years she would be telling me how she was ready to stop working and be housewife. It only took her four. What happened to that ambitious girl? She was like “nah f*ck that, I’m tired and I want to take nap in the afternoons and watch TV.” So yeah you’re sex drive goes up when you’re 30, but you also get more fatigued in old age and when you’re tired, you’re not in the mood. Last but not least, you don’t give a shit about shit. Self-confidence is a two-edged sword, I tell men all the time, sometimes you might have to conclude you want a chick with low self-esteem. Self-confidence will make a woman stop going to church and the gym and say, “I love my curves.” Self-confidence will make a woman say to her man, “You want the p*ssy or not, the scarf is staying on.” Self-confidence will get you boyshorts everyday when you told her that you prefer thongs. She’ll wear those boyshorts and wonder why you don’t want no ass and would rather spend your time in the other room on your laptop watching “videos.” And at that point, you know what she does? She sets out on a mission to win the war and men can’t win this war. Damn that was a rant. All that to say self-confidence is beautiful, but it can also lead to stubbornness and that’s ugly as all hell.

Diagram 1 - Your Twat FICA score over the next ten years.

Keep in mind that this value of the twat thing is deep, #punintended. It goes back to supply and demand too. If you think about it, at a constant rate the value of twat is going down with time. There’s new twat everyday. If you go back to college, you’ll remember how much fun was as a freshman female, sophomore year was less fun, but okay if you were a really cool girl, but by junior year you were so fed up with the men on your campus and their antics. But they really weren’t antics, they basically didn’t want to put up with your bullshit because they dropped a boatload of fresh meat off each year on college campuses. I think 60% of all women realize their sophomore year that they got a lot of play because they was new, and the other 40% realizes it their junior year. And I know what someone will say to refute this, but if you had a man this don’t apply to you. Your pussy is brand new when you break up with your man from home or the guy you was with since freshman year. What I will say is that chick’s twat had a renaissance its senior year when men were like, “I am trying to just hit that one time before I never see her again.” Shit, I’m about to go to a Sade concert for that very reason and I don’t even like Sade all that much.

Now as the supply of twat, especially good twat goes up each year. You have to be concerned about how much effort you make a man put into your twat, it’s a very delicate balance. If you don’t have any vag politics then your twat loses its value immediately. That time you went home with that dude you didn’t know; if your twat has a credit rating it would be at 320. If you have too high vag politics then your twat loses its value because no one is willing to pay your price for it, so if you don’t adjust the price it will just sit there unattended and the new twat will gain more value. It’s a balancing act.

Sigh, back to those girls on Twitter. I want to say something sometimes, but I just can’t be that guy. I don’t want to have that argument and have to be the one to tell her that she needs to lower her expectations to something more in line with her vag’s potential. I don’t want to be that guy, but at times, I sense that I will have to do this one day. I have never had the privilege of sitting and explaining to some young lady why I didn’t think she was wifey material. Actually, I did once, but it was cool, and she respected me for it. But it had to do with her attitude problem, not her twat. Anyway, these are my thoughts and theories, feel free to disagree. Good night.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Oh You Graduated AND Decided You Were Finished

I remember that the best job that anyone could have after the age of 15 was a job in the mall at a shoe store. To this day, those guys still get more ass than most men out here on the struggle. If 18 and under ass is the type of ass you look to get, I guess that works out for you. I was walking through the mall one day, might have been my sophomore or junior year of college, and I happened to go past Footaction and I saw a girl I went to elementary school with. We exchanged smiles and went over to give her a hug and ask her how she was doing. I had heard through the grapevine that she had a kid in high school, so I said, “Oh I heard you had a kid.”

Her response, “Oh honey, I have three kids.”

I shouldn’t have been the least bit surprised she was part of the most popular circle in elementary school. These girls had started having sex before elementary school was over. (Sidenote: The chick who was an absolute freak at my elementary school, like she used to give dudes head on the back of the bus on field trips, she has no kids. I guess her aunt figured she was going to be a hoe and was like you need birth control.) I’m not sure what happened to that girl at Footaction because I don’t stop at the mall anymore, I grew out of that too one day too.

This post is respectfully dedicated to the women who’s entire career got messed up off f*cked up circumstance in High School:

A little too hood for us all…

There was always that one girl who was a bully. She constantly overstepped her boundaries. She was the type of girl who fought with the dudes. But the dudes never really hit her back they would just respond, “Chill, young.” But she never got it, she wanted to hang with the boys and thought that hitting them as if she was simulating a fight was the best way to do this. She typically tried to explain her rough approach to being a tom boy or growing up around all boys. On the inside this girl had some real serious internal issues and just didn’t click the way all the rest of us did. At some point, outside of Phillip’s in the Baltimore Sea Harbor she got into it with a friend and decided to bust out their windows and slit their tires. One too many disorderly conducts can have your ass on house arrest until the Cleveland Cavaliers win an NBA championship.

You used to be thick, and now you just fat…

I remember when we got in junior high school and the girls started to grow breasts. What would come later was crazy. There were always a few girls who were a little over developed. They had booty and breasts well before anyone else did. They got a lot of attention for that. It seemed like every boy in school wanted to give her a hug. Because she was developing a little faster than the rest of the girls she got a lot of attention from older guys. She was in the 9th grade dating the dude who was already pushing the Acura. Hell, she even had enough TNA to pull a dude in college or out of school completely. She was what they like to call jailbait. Well, the girl who was wearing the sports bra until she graduated from high school, and the girls who weren’t able to fill out a pair of stretch jeans if they tried – at age 26, they got full C cups and athletic donks. The girl who had the D cups in high school, well now she’s just fat. See the thing about women is their bodies are growing from age 13 until they are about 26. A woman’s body hasn’t fully matured until she’s about 26. If she’s holding something now at 15, she’ll probably need some help carrying it at 26.

Maybe she’s made for it, maybe she’s just got bad skin…

I had this crush on this girl in grade school and I didn’t even know why until my mother told me that it was a shame that her mother let her wear such trashy makeup. I ain’t think it was trashy though she looked like other girls who no one thought were trashy, you know like, Total. She was a clear cut top three prettiest girl in every class from 3rd grade until 12th grade. She always had pretty, long and shiny black hair and she always had the freshest clothes on. Back in the day, a chick not only had blinging lip gloss, she had the lip liner too. That lip liner pretty much dominated from 1996 – 2003. Even Halle Berry had on lip liner when she accepted her Academy Award. Anyway, I was walking through a lounge not to long ago and she stopped me. (Sidenote, this always happens to me because I was 5’4” when I left high school and now I’m 5’9”, so hey, it happens.) She stopped me and she said, “Oh my god, you look good, like real good. You grew all up.” And I looked back at her and all I could think of is, “Are you one of those people who thinks Proactiv tests its products on animals and so you won’t use it?” I’m glad that happened too because now I know why my mother said it was shame she was wearing makeup at a young age. That makeup had her face looking like she had been hit in the head with a bag of nickels.

You believed him when he said, he’d love you forever…

Every high school had that couple that everyone thought would be together forever. They were high school sweethearts. They even planned to go to the same college. She probably didn’t get in though because when women start planning their lives around men too early they show signs that they are dumb. So instead of going to another school away from home, she decided to stay at home so that when he came home to visit they could spend time together. She screwed up by going to a school that wasn’t anywhere near as good as where she could have been, but she was happy because she had him. And then he stopped calling so much, (said his mother said he needed to watch his minutes), then he stopped coming home every other weekend, (even though he was only 40 minutes away), then he changed his relationship status on Facebook, (he took it down, said too many people were in his business), and then finally when you wanted to come visit he claimed that his roommates might have a problem with it. Now you look at your life; you’re enrolled at a community college, you work part-time at Wawa, and you just found out you’re pregnant.

She got pregnant…

Speaking of pregnant, if there’s one thing that bothers me more than anything in this world it’s when you see a bad ass chick who’s life has been ruined from some ignorant fool who got her knocked up. I was discussing this with my boy today too. Remember that freak I spoke about earlier, she was notorious. I think she just had an oral fixation and she was kind of slow. Like she was the type who fell for stuff like, “How you gon’ get him and not get me?” She was a red bone, but her knees were black by the time we got to swimming class in HS Physical Education. But somehow, some way with all of that going on, she ain’t never have a kid. But now that girl who was the baddest chick on the block, the one who didn’t have to have the bad rep. That Dominican shorty from Spanish Harlem with the fatty and the curly hair. THE GIRL FROM THE DMX, How’s it goin’ down video … she got knocked up. She probably only messed with ONE man in her life and he knocked her up and either got locked up, killed, deported, or he’s just a straight fool and left her to do it on her own.

Too damn grown…

The last is not funny at all, in fact, it’s so sad. It’s those people who thought they were so mature and grown their whole lives. There was a time when you had a freshman chick and all her friends were seniors. And she thought she was the shit in HS. She was the one who dressed like she was older, who got invited to things with the upperclassmen and all that other good stuff. And then all her friends graduated and she didn’t have no friends for the next three years of her life. It wasn’t just her either, there were all those people who always spent most of their time talking about how they were so “over” everything. This is my favorite movie quote of all time, a close second would be Jack Nicholson’s monologue in a Few Good Men, during his testimony, but this is the one that applies right now:

Dawson: Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.
(Source: Dazed & Confused)

And so all those people who thought they were too grown for their situation, or who were always “over” everything, they end up missing out on everything in life. Daisy Buchanan is a perfect example of what will happen to you if you spend your entire life in a dream world of the future and never take advantage of the present. Not only will you end up with no friends, you’ll also have people convinced that you are stuck up, and if you keep it up long enough you won’t even be able to break the habit of acting like your ass is too damn grown.

A lot of times you see these posts from people who were the nerd or the person that no one ever talked to in high school. That wasn’t me, I was ambitious. I may have thrown people off, but I knew everyone at my high school and tried to maintain on relationships with all of them. It makes me happy and sad sometimes to see how people turned out, especially the women. Sometimes I’m thinking, “Damn tough break” and other times I’m thinking, “Remember you had the ill plan, how’d that work out for you?”

My new eBook has been released, titled, 17th & K Street, you can download it, my new mixtape and my podcasts here.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

NEW!!! Dr. J's eBook - 17th & K Street: Deluxe Version (Free Download)

The PDF version of the eBook is available, download it here.

The Podcasts are available, download them here.

The Mixtape by Carver the Great is live, download it here.

That's all I can say right now. 

"Wait, now I can't feel my face."

17th & K Street is here, people. I'm double cupped right now.

Life is Good. God is Good.

Thank you.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Henny & Blacks: The Prelude to 17th and K

Tomorrow, I’ll post my second eBook, 17th and K Street. It’s going to be great, but it has taken a lot of time and effort over the past few weeks. I’m sure you’re going to enjoy it, I know that I enjoy it too. Make sure you come and download it, and tell others to download it too. The best that I can recommend is that you send the link so I can track the downloads, but if you just want to forward it along, hey that works fine too.

Henny & Blacks was the original name for the eBook. It’s a DC native kind of thing. We have an affinity for Black & Mild cigars. It is not uncommon for a guy to tell you, “I don’t smoke, but every now and then I smoke a Black or two.” It’s okay, women do that too. I know many people probably thought that Henny and Blacks, had to do with Black people, but lol, no it does not.

Many people like myself have gotten a B.W.I. and never even known it. Blogging While Intoxicated. If I’m watching some basketball or baseball, I’d like to have a nice brew. If I’m just kicking it and having a nightcap then it’s the Jack Daniels. However, for blogging, it’s Hennessy. There’s nothing better to inspire some of the greatest blogs ever written other than a few glasses of Henny.

My last eBook/mixtape, Free Ass Laundry was a compilation of old posts that many of you never read because you started reading Dr. J well after those posts went up. I can attach it again here if folks haven’t had the chance to read it. In fact, I’ll make sure to do that tomorrow. Henny & Blacks is supposed to be a more personal account of who I am today. I’m not like other bloggers, and while I’ll never fully explain my position as a writer, trust me there’s a method to the madness.

I never wanted to be a niche writer, but I never wanted everyone to love me. I think that the best artists have always been pleasantly inconsistent. I think that the best artists have never been afraid to show their faults, but also their great qualities. The greatest artists are passively humble. Yep, that’s right, passively humble. It may appear that I’ve got not a bone of humility in my body at times, but I am in fact more than humbled at the amount of people who actually take the time to read my writing. I’ve always just wanted to be real. Each time someone contacts me offline and says, “You’re right, but I’m not commenting on that today … you’re on your own.” This new piece of work is just that. It’s just me, it’s not like anyone else.

“I’m just a guy from DC who likes to talk shit and be heard.”

With all that said, here’s the tracklist:

17th & K Street

1. Introduction: 17th & K Street
2. When Did Blogging Become Like the Rap Game?
3. Camel Toes and Pantylines
4. Close My Tab
5. Camelot
6. Your Pussy Isn’t All That
7. Have You Ever Wished for Ill Will?
8. 10 Good Reasons He Won’t Sleep With You
9. Sext Me
10. Why Men Love When You Keep Your Heels On For Sex
11. Dating Only Reminds You That You’re Single
12. Behind the Post: The much anticipated
13. Dating with Kids
14. Dating Women with Kids
15. Behind the Post: I don’t only talk about relationships
16. When Men Have A Falling Out
17. The Quan
18. My Email to Chris Brown
19. Behind the Post: An eBook that you’ll probably never read, but…
20. Loving You No More
21. Hate That You Love Me
22. I Know
23. Behind the Post: The Home Stretch
24. Special Thanks
25. Podcast: Wack Dudes and Bad Chicks
26. Podcast: How to Really Mess With Her Self-Esteem
27. Podcast: If I Could Ask Black Women To Do Me Five Solids
28. Playlist: The Mixtape
29. The Preview: A Night In Fantasy

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Morning Mail - 5.11.11

Bateman: A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?

Last couple of days have been filled with trying to put the final finishing touches on the new eBook. It’s been a challenge because I change my mind about the track listing or table of contents almost daily. I’ve got about 40 things that I could throw in there, but I’m kind of set on keeping the numbers low so that people will really appreciate the material. But truth be told the process backfired on me. And yesterday it came to a frustrating head. I’ve been saying for months now, oh keep that, I’m going to put that in the book. Well a lot of these pieces are some of my best pieces ever written, but they were created before I came up with the concept for the book. So now I have these pieces that will go into purgatory or they will make the final cut. Then I realized that I hadn’t put a couple pieces that I really want in my book. The vision is really to put something out that makes you understand why it’s called 17th & K, but doesn’t only apply to DC.

I’ve been waking up pretty early lately but not leaving the house early. Today, I’m writing the Morning Mail and I haven’t even gotten out of bed. I’m sitting here BS’ing. I like the fact that my job doesn’t expect me at work before 1030. If I walk into work at like 9AM, they look at me like, “Um… is everything okay?” That’s kind of cool.

A few things that pissed me off yesterday;

I don’t know why someone who has no grounds to speak on a topic insists on doing so. Especially when they’re just disagreeing to disagree. This the funny thing, if you start your sentences with, “You know what I don’t like about him.” In my mind, I’m thinking, you’re full of shit, you actually love the shit if not then WHY ARE YOU READING IT?!

After last week’s situation that transpired at work, I’ve decided not to provide feedback to the group, but rather to provide it one on one and not to a person in particular. At this point, that person can find out during their review. The reason why I feel this way is because sometimes you can’t save someone from dying a slow death. As a lead I’ve always been the type to say, “Hey I really don’t care, I’m a laid back guy and I’m not sweating you.” But when you try and make me look stupid or bitch and moan all the time, that’s when I’m like listen, fuck you, I’m getting paid, I’ll just tell it like it is and stop covering your ass when you don’t even have the decency to come to me with shit. Especially when your ass is wrong as hell.

I have this thing about people touching me to get my attention. Don’t fucking tap my shoulder and ask me if I got a second. If I had a second, 1, I would be at work, I’d leave this shithole, 2, I would probably not have my headphones on and be completely into my work.

You try and tell someone lightly, “hey I’m doing something right now.” It’s like when someone calls you and says, “hey what you up to?” I’m working on my book. THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO KEEP TALKING. I swear no disrespect but I’m just going to stop talking to people, period. Last night, I got two phone calls of over 25 minute lengths and incessant texting. I ended the night with five pieces, that’s great, but I was on a roll that quickly fizzled when I realized that people just love to talk to me.

I see why Kanye records in Hawaii or Japan.

End things that pissed me off.

There was this excerpt that I thought was powerful:
Which when your newlywed husband has been caught dating a girl of 21 can be a helluva lot of times per day. "I love you, Tracy. I love you, Tracy. I love you, Tracy." Sometimes the emphasis is on the "I," and sometimes it's on the "love," and other times it's on the "you." Those are three different meanings, and I need to hear all of them.

That’s from Tracy McMillan’s Book. Tracy, not Terry.

I wrote a post about what I think is actually wrong with women. It’s real talk and it’s not about Black women or nothing like that, it’s just about women. The problem is, it’s not nice. After consulting with someone whose opinion I value greatly I’ve decided to shelve it. But I’m still going to let my team read it, because it’s so damn true.

Time to do my fair share of tweeting from Metro.

17th and K Street, May 17th.

Life is good. God is good.

RT @DrJayJack: If you want a real assessment about parenting in America ask yourself why #childhoodmemories and BET Uncut is trending

Monday, May 9, 2011

Morning Mail - 5.9.11

Durant: My government will never negotiate for me.
Firimbi: Then perhaps you and I can negotiate, huh? Soldier to Soldier.
Durant: I am not in charge
Firimbi: Course not, you have the power to kill, but not negotiate. In [redacted], Killing is Negotiation.
Firimbi: Do you think if you get General Aidid, we will simply put down our weapons and adopt American democracy? That the killing will stop? We know this. Without victory, there will be no peace. There will always be killing, see? This is how things are in our world.
(Source: This is for Sane, but this is so easy.)

I think this lady sat down on the train mad close to me just to stare at me. It was weird because I knew something was up. She had on these sunglasses and I was like, “yo she only got those on cause she ugly”. It’s like chilly and she’s in the shade. I peeped that early. No doubt, so when she sat down like three seats from me, I just took out my laptop and started writing this.


Don’t want to talk about some things.

What about those people who sit next to you on the train when it’s still free seats available? Don’t give me that shit about the priority seating, you’re ass is just suspect. I say something to those people too. That’s a big difference between a lot of people. Most people will start tweeting about hating that some skeevy dude just sat next to them on the train. I be the one who is like, “Yo it’s still seats available!” They look at me like I’m the one overreacting. Yeah whatever… I just ask to get out and go sit in those seats. It’s funny when you see someone laugh because they peeped the whole shit.

People might say my grammar is off, but you know what I be talking about so yeah…

Quite possibly the most frequent question I get is, “Did you say that?” And I always be like, “Yep.”

I told a few bad mothers that they were bad mothers yesterday.

Dead ass, I’m on the train right now and like it’s a sunglasses holiday on this bitch. But a cute girl walked by like a G, her face said, “I don’t need no mother*cking sunglasses, cut the check b*tch.”

“You want to see some ass, I want to see some cash.”

You can’t help but start laughing when you hear that. I was in the strip club this weekend. I was Dan Marino throwed, setting records and shit. For some strange reason strippers like talking to me. I know what it is too. It’s because I don’t judge women who chose whatever route in life they want to go. Like a lot of people, like actual men, will be like, “Oh I don’t respect a chick who take pictures for a living.” Not me though, I respect anyone’s hustle. I ain’t living that llife, my heart don’t beat to their beat, so I could care less. You can tell when a dude look at a chick he doesn’t respect, and that chick can tell too.

If you wanna holler at a stripper, tell her you like her shoes.

Some women swear they celibate, but they really not, they just ain’t got no options because nobody want to fuck with her ass. Celibacy got to be a choice. Trust me on that.

I got to go, but this chick on the train with the sunglasses? Well, she putting on makeup right now and I’m like, “LET IT GOOOOOOOO!!!!” Pretty much nothing she can do to help her situation. If you spend 25 minutes putting on makeup and ain’t nothing about your situation changing … seek medical attention.

17th and K Street coming May 17th.

Life is good. God is good.

Shoutout to all the men who fist pumped yesterday when they woke up.

RT @DrJayJack: ghetto version – “like a good neighbor State Farm is there… “with a Philly” – “and that five dollars you owe me” – “and a new baby daddy!”

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Quan - Some People Have It... Most Don't

I’m going to keep dropping that heat until May 17th when 17th & K Street drops. So at midnight on the 17th, make sure you stop by the Book of Jackson, and SingleBlackMale because the book will be available there. In the meantime, between time though, I’m just putting out a bunch of posts that didn’t make the album, or did they? I still haven’t came to the decision on a few of these. Without further adieu…

Rod Tidwell: Maybe you don't. Because it's not just the money I deserve. It's not just the "coin." It's the... - "the Quan".
Jerry Maguire: That's your word?
Rod Tidwell: Yeah, man, it means love, respect, community... and the dollars too. The package. The Quan.
Jerry Maguire: But how did you get "Quan?"
Rod Tidwell: I got there from "coin," dude. Coin, coin... Quaaaaan.
(Source: Jerry Maguire, click for video)

Rod would go on to later call Jerry his Ambassador of Quan and while writing this post I had to wonder who might my Ambassador of Quan be. I quickly sent a reminder email to someone about my Dipset deal. They want me to believe that they are restructuring, but I keep telling them that Young Money is interested, whatever, I digress.

The Quan is about much more than the coin as Rod said, it’s much bigger than that. My boy sent out a model call and said we’d pay the chicks in yards. Another person replied to the email and said, “This is not right, we shouldn’t be sending stuff like this out.WEEEEEAK. I replied, “People have to come to grips with the fact that not every chick is wifey material. Some of these chicks just ain't got the quan to ever make it past breezy or jumpoff status. The best they can hope for is a few yards and some free liquor.” I was being real too. But this ain’t just about chicks, it applies to negroes too. Lot of guys got a lot of talent, but hey don’t have no quan. I always joke that I constantly keep a running list of people invited to my wedding, just imagine me sitting in my office with two baskets titled:

“Negroes who got the Quan.”

“N*ggas who are pussy.”

I basically put all the men I know in those two categories, and it don’t mean I won’t be your friend, but it just mean that I’m planning some epic shit when I get married and I can’t have nobody there that doesn’t have the Quan. I’ll tell you right now, I been to a wedding and a fight broke out. It wasn’t no Best Man shit either, it was like World War VIII.  (That's 8, I know some of you ain't good at math or reading, that shit has you confused.)  It looked like a birthday party but it was a wedding so it was weird. Basically, the bride started drinking dark liquor, and you know how women get when they drink dark liquor. But I think I speak for all real negroes in attendance today when I say there’s something sexy about a chick who drinks Hennessy and smokes Benson & Hedges. #maybethatsjustme. Anyway, bride started drinking, she looks up and it’s this chick dancing with the groom on the dance floor. Now here’s the conflict: That chick is basically the chick who found out on Facebook that the groom was engaged. You know why she found out on Facebook?

Because she was f*cking him.

How do I know this? Because women know their men better than they own men or their boys know him. And as soon as this went down, all the fellas went to the bar so we could act like we ain’t see sh*t. And all we heard was, “I know this bitch is not…” So I’m peeping this situation, and I see her bride’s maid go over to the best man and say, “You need to tell your mans and them to tell that heffer she gotta leave.” No shots, but she wasn’t even a heffer, she was bad and her dress had #summinbout2popout ALL OVER IT. Now the best man did not have any quan, he just kind of stood there for a minute and acted like the situation was going to fix itself. #PhilJacksonNegroes. At the same time, the bride was like, “Fuck that.” She got a running start; she ain’t throw a haymaker or chair, she went straight for that chick’s hair and attempted to drag her out of there. But that shorty ain’t roll up there alone, on her side, her whole crew think that the groom did their homegirl dirty, so what did they do? They start trying to beat the bride’s ass in her wedding dress. Because that makes perfect sense. I’m watching all this happen and I’m like…

(Sidenote, just so you people know this wedding happened in Capitol Plaza Mall in the spot where they got the church at, so that’s where I’m at. Capitol Heights, MD at a wedding.)

The groom was done off so he just backed up, he tried to say something but he ain’t have no quan over both his chick and the other jawn. But the bride didn’t invite no b*tches to the wedding who was p*ssy… They came out there like strippers at ONYX and they handled those ratchets’ ass. There was hair everywhere, shoes everywhere, chicks walking around with an empty bottle of Jack, another with Grey Goose and the ratchets were out front the mall looking swollen face like a mug. Quick reminder: The bride and groom’s family just watched this WHOLE thing go down. Real talk, wasn’t like we were at the club, we were at a wedding. And you know why?

Because those b*tches had the Quan.

[Ten minutes later, the DJ turned the go-go back on.]

Always evaluate yourself and your crew against the elements of the Quan:

The Love – You see you should have the love. Hey, since 2005, it’s been We Love Jackson. I remember when I took it down off Facebook and women hit me up and was like, “Hey the name change on Facebook, what’s going on?” I had to let them know, y’all always will love me, but I’m no longer the same Jackson from 05, it’s Dr. J. That bride had the love of her peoples. They wasn’t going to let her go out like that.

The Respect – People don’t have to like you, but they should respect you at all times. Look here, if you got Quan, hoe shit like this should never happen to you: You’re walking through the club with your shorty and his friend cuts you off and blocks you, while his mans steps in to holla at your chick. That dude ain’t got to like you, he can think you’re an absolute herb, but he should respect you.

The Community – Not only respect, but respect from your peers. Lil’ Wayne has the Quan. Not because Drake, Nicki Minaj and Tammy Torres said he has the Quan. But after this, I had to remove all reasonable doubt about this guy having the Quan:

RT @MSLAURENLONDON: RT @antoniacarter: Congrats to Nivea and Wayne...its a Boy!!! (Beautiful and blessed)
RT @MSLAURENLONDON: RT @thisisNIVEA: Say what you want about Wayne, but he is a great father!!!

That’s Quan. That’s inconceivable QUAN! Your other baby mother, just retweeted your other baby mother about you being a great father.

“You know what? I got to thank Weezy.
And when I see that n*gga Imma thank him.
Imma buy his album, Imma download that.. Imma shoot a bootlegger!
That's how good I feel about this n*gga”
(This negro Wayne ain’t got a baby mother, he just got other baby mothers.)

The Money Too –They say you can’t be broke and happy, so me I’m mad rich.” If that ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. Listen, you can have all that stuff and die broke. Joe Louis had love, respect and community and he died broke as a joke. A lot of people wonder how you can tell when you make it. When they start paying you … that’s how you know you making it. And I don’t mean a little bit of change to get your hair done, or to buy some music off iTunes, I’m talking about you get paid to do what you do best and the ends are meeting like a motherf*cker. (So yes, I’m still waiting for the Quan because I have to take my ass to work today like the rest of you.)

There’s countless people who made it from love, respect, community and never made the money, here’s a short list:

  1. Shyne – You would have thought Diddy left him like $50 million for taking that bid for J. Lo. Come on, they didn’t tell you this, but you know who that was who got shot in the face at that club, Cassie. Yeah, afterwards she just had a real good plastic surgeon.
  2. All those n*ggas who make those videos punching people in the face during a freestyle
  3. Joe Budden – I don’t understand why people … ugh.
  4. Hot Sauce – Everybody used to watch Hot Sauce videos like they was the shit. People would say, “but he ain’t gon make it to the league tho” and the whole hood would be like, “NAH BUT HE’LL BEAT YOUR ASS IN BASKETBALL!!!” Yeah, but he never made it to the league.
  5. Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. – Respect, no jokes.

Here’s a list of some of the most prominent holders of Quan:

  1. Diddy – This man got the Mist too. I’m going to come back to this.
  2. Jay-Z – He got transferable Quan, because he got a wife who got Quan. Jay-Z got all this stuff and if you ever doubt, peep how hard people defend Jay-Z. Don’t ever say nothing about Reasonable Doubt not being all that good, or the fact that Jay-Z is 42 years old and that’s troubling that he still talking about what he talk about. They will assassinate you. But Beyonce got her whole nation and gay black teenage boys making Youtube videos and spending $250 on a concert ticket. That’s a Quan ass couple.
  3. Oprah – You know you making bread when you can look at a white person and say, “N*gga I’m Oprah rich!
  4. Barack Obama – During the Democratic National Convention when it was dark and Obama brought the sun back out, I knew something was up. But then he won a Grammy, and my first reaction was like, “Oh they just giving this negro shit like it’s nothing; Grammys, Book deals, the Nobel Peace Prize, a tight jawn named Michelle, this is bullshit… They even gave that negro some white in him too.”  When he tell everybody he's Jesus and no one get upset, don't say shit.

Yo Guru, get the flutes...

Jesus Christ – Jesus got more platinum chains that Jacob the Jeweler. You know how much money and gold they got in the Vatican. Jesus is the only man to date that rolled with a hoe and nobody said shit, didn’t even think they was f*cking.

The Quan. Amen.