Thursday, May 5, 2011

Your P*ssy Isn’t All That

Everyday I have to hear one of my boys make a crass joke about his size. Whether it be a position that you can’t do unless you’re well endowed, or something about how she tried to throw it back at him but he punished it. I have to constantly remind those guys, everytime you say something about your d*ck in a sentence with me, I stop listening. It’s extremely awkward to talk to a man about something like that. We can talk about the chick, but we cannot talk about your d*ck. Now when it comes to females and their p*ssy, it’s a little different. But hold up for a second, remember when I said, “If a chick tells you she give great head, tell her she doesn’t”? That same concept applies to her p*ssy. It might take a lesser man a long time to pick up on what I’m trying to say but just to reiterate. If a chick tells you she’s got the bomb punani, look at her and say,

Word? I doubt it.

And why is that I can say this to pretty much any chick? Because real P’s move in silence like psychos. But Jay, where are you going with all this? Right here, basically one day me, my mans and them got to talking about p*ssy and things. Because if you can count on one thing from college educated men it’s great conversation about money, hoes, and sports. We came up with the following breakdown for p*ssy.

You’re P*ssy is Official

Y’all know how I feel about Black people and the word “official.” That shit don’t mean anything. Seriously, this weekend are you going to attend The Official Mosley/Pacquiao Afterparty or were you planning on going to The Mosley/Pacquiao Afterparty? So when a dude tells you that some p*ssy is official, just look at him and know that he just trying to gas you on some shit that just as regular as any other p*ssy. A chick asked me one time why it didn’t work out, she claimed I hated her. I told her, “That’s not true, I would tell anyone right now, ‘Yo shorty is official.’” I mean, what else was I supposed to say? It ain’t work out. Ladies if you are bold enough to ask a man after he came, “How was it?” and he says, “Oh nah, it was official!


#KHAO, oh we going IINNN on that on Twitter today.

You’re P*ssy is the Bomb

You ever had some p*ssy that was so great that as soon as you got in it you were like, “Oh shit … wait a second … SLOW THE FUCK DOWN B*TCH! … F*ck it, FROM DOWNTOWN!!!” Yep, I’m talking about some explosive p*ssy. It’s gunpowder though, so you’ll live. She packs a great punch but if you get a head start you can get away with a lot of shit. This is the type of p*ssy that you might even get a hotel room for. This p*ssy is serious, and if you see it, you respect it. The guy that’s dealing with this p*ssy, people know for a fact that he bout that life.

Firecracker P*ssy

We had to come up with a term for when p*ssy backfires on you. Like if you use that p*ssy the right way, you can have a really good time, but if you don’t know what you’re doing, you’ll lose a limb. Also, it’s kind of hot because if you pop off with them in the phone booth the whole hood will watch and cheer. And then on top of that, days later people will walk by and be like, “Yeah, that’s where Jay set that shit off.

Your P*ssy is Golden

Basically this means your p*ssy is good enough, in a second we'll talk about platinum p*ssy.  But at the minimum your p*ssy should be golden.  My only issue with golden p*ssy is man's endless pursuit of the golden egg.  #yafeelme.  This is that type of p*ssy that makes you think it's okay to settle down.  Be careful a lot of people will end up losing an arm or tongue over this p*ssy.  But truth be told, it ain't all that.  Golden p*ssy be yankin, but you know that at some point, you need to take it to the next level. 

Most n*ggas will marry golden p*ssy, they know that golden p*ssy will not ruin them.  If you go for anything else, you might have to shoot a cat, but if it's just gold, you'll just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, drink some wine.  But if you got...
Platinum P*ssy

For some strange reason America loves platinum. I remember back in the day when people had gold rings. Now if you come home with a gold ring, people are like, “Yeah, that’s nice. Bless your heart.” Cats used to love gold teeth, a gold watch, and some gold chains, but now everybody wants to go platinum. So in the mind of this man he knows that if he wants to get anywhere in life, he’ll need to get the platinum p*ssy. People respect you, they will certify your p*ssy to be one of the best in the game. Real talk in order for your p*ssy to go platinum, you have to be the sh*t. Problem with it is, Piracy. Yes, every crew got one chick who got platinum p*ssy and everyone in the crew know it and asks her for advice. I knew this one chick who was a legitimate basic broad but whilst backshots she raised one leg like she was about to start a race and …

"Ohh my God..
Baby you done took this shit to another motherf*cking level
Now a neighborhood n*gga like me ain’t supposed to be getting no pussy like this
Damn, Damn! Who taught you how to get sexy for a n*gga?"

Now the post could stop right here. And honestly, a lot of people, in fact I’m almost positive that 97% of the women in the world fall into the previous categories. So if you were running out of time and trying to get back to work, go do that right now.

But if you’re like me and you love when there’s a surprise guest appearance, or you like Diddy remixes that are ten minutes long. Think about Welcome To Atlanta… that sh*t went on forever, maybe 10-12 minutes, but you know what, you f*cking enjoyed every minute of it. It didn’t get popping until you got to New York. So this is the part of the remix where I introduce you to the G.O.A.T.

Uranium P*ssy

Anybody that knows the secret to world domination and scaring the shit out of people knows that you got to get some Uranium. Uranium p*ssy is that p*ssy that powerful men need it in their life. But wait, everybody ain’t got uranium p*ssy. A lot of cats reading this right now thinking about the uranium p*ssy they got in the stable. Your ass is lying. Only like five or six dudes in the world got uranium p*ssy. Think about uranium. I can tell you right now, I can only think of one … Rob Thicke got some uranium p*ssy. I seen a picture of him eating yellow cake, I asked him, “N*gga where you get the yellow cake?” He wasn’t budging, he just looked at me like, “I’ll put it to you like this, now that I got this yellow cake, I don’t even need a pocket knife.” He was right too, you know how real Gs respond to a line in the sand? They just look at you like this...

And we know how this n*gga rolls...  If a chick has uranium p*ssy trust me, heads will f*cking roll to get that joint. I met this one chick one time and she had it … she also had two kids. She made me say on more than one occasion, “I see why you have kids.” A dude that I used to mentor wifed her down almost two weeks after I stopped talking to her and now this guy is making more money than me throwing parties. You see what I mean about uranium p*ssy? As soon as you bust a nut in a uranium p*ssy this is all you hear…

“Yo, the sun don't shine forever
But as long as it's here then we might as well shine together
Better now than never, business before pleasure
P-Diddy and the Fam, who you know do it better?
Yeah right, no matter what, we air tight
So when you hear somethin, make sure you hear it right…”


Now watch all the chicks who are thinking about their p*ssy and saying, “F*ck you, I got that uranium p*ssy.”

Word? I doubt it.


NC17 said...

#dead. I ran into some Uranium pussy my man and I ended up throwing a ring on it. I'm a sucker for good pussy.

what about Double Plastic pussy, that shit you hit and it reminds you of the Lox first CD? It had potential put it's just not yankin. Instead of Victory playing all you hear is "If You think of Jiggy"

Animate said...

This is the best blog I've read in a while lol.

Got to love the crushing of dreams!

Anonymous said...

Female here.

Is this true? I thought all pussy was the same.

GirlSixx said...

"Rob Thicke got some uranium p*ssy."

How did I know that you was going to say this. *smhl*

So Paula Patton is your unicorn huh??.. *smile*

This post had me laughing out loud at work but it just goes to show you that NOT ALL POOCH IS MADE OR FEEL THE SAME.

Sarah Desamours said...


I think that any girl who shows off about her p*ssy is probably average, and far from uranium :P

Karlito's Way said...

I laughed out loud, you make valid points, all pussy is not created equal. Some men are out here losing wifing gold pussy smh. It's the "safe choice"

Flyyest One said...

OMG Jay. This is absolutely hilarious. I could SEE you saying, "Word? I doubt it."

*handclaps nshit*

Breeeeeee said...

One of THE BEST blogs ive ever read. You have a new fan!