Monday, September 28, 2009

Morning Mail - 09.28.09

Pat Healy: My real passion is my hobby.
Mary: Really, what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Mary: No, I mean...
Pat Healy: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...
Mary: They keep him in a cage?
Pat Healy: Well, it's just an enclosure...
Mary: No, but they keep him confined?
Pat Healy: Right, yeah.
Mary: That's bullshit!
Pat Healy: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.
Mary: A leash?
Pat Healy: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.
(Source: There’s Something About Mary)

Pickup Line of the Week: My magic watch says you don't have any underwear on. (She says: "Yes I do!") Oh damn, it must be 15 minutes fast.

Here are some things I really hate on the train:
- People talking on the cell phone as if we care about their conversations
- This is a pet peeve, but I hate when women wear white bras under white blouses, that is tacky
- I hate inappropriately dressed people, especially when they look like they’re going to work. I think my friend said it best, “If you think anyone is going to be turned on by what you are wearing, change.” – JJW (Check out her blog today too.)
- This mofo who has hit my laptop three times with his bag and refuses to say excuse me or stop doing it.
- People who read my laptop screen. This is especially funny because someone is sitting next to me doing this right now.

Here’s somethings that have been going on in my life that have caused me to take a step back from blogging. I’ve been attempting to live in a real world and am amazed at the people who never really understood what Morpheus said when he asked Neo, “You think that’s are you’re breathing?” To be honest with you, the blog/twitter world is a fortress where a lot of people hide from reality. Then you have people who claim their live in reality but they don’t, they are slaves to the newspapers, TV shows, and office gossip they claim represents the real world. Me, I’m clear to not that none of that is really the real world. So I’m out here living.

Oops I think y’all like me, please follow me too. @DrJayJack. I’ll keep you laughing and I promise, I won’t retweet everything I see, I won’t make blanket obnoxious statements as if I’m sitting on an imaginary pulpit, but I’ll do my best to brighten up your day.

I’ll talk music; if you go back and listen to Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come LP you’ll notice that it makes a lot more sense. But then again something tells me you won’t listen.

Have a good day.

Lig and Gig.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dr. J’s Bottle Etiquette

I have strict bottle etiquette. Let me be the first to tell you that I don’t bring bottles to my friends’ parties, I just don’t. Well, save a few times, if I say I’m going to, I’m probably not. Put your side eye back in your pocket, if you know me, you know that 99.9% of the time you come to my place, you never have to bring a thing and you get food, drinks, and entertainment for free. For you to ask me to bring something is preposterous being as though you never bring me anything.

I also don’t bring anything when I’m told I have to bring something. The nerve of some people to disrespect me like that. I don’t show up to events empty handed, save the first paragraph, so I know you should have already known that you didn’t have to tell me that. Which means… there’s someone who you’re expecting in attendance who doesn’t have any home training. I’m not wasting any of my hard earned money on them.

After a while, I will stop providing you free alcohol if you don’t ever offer me a drink. I have friends who have shared VIP tables with me, who I have bought a round of drinks for and they will never offer to return the favor. These are the opportunists. They are also the type of people that I tend to stay away from. You’ll notice that some people will be missing from invites.

Not to harp on the issue, but nothing grinds my gears more than someone asking me to bring a bottle to their function, when they haven’t ever brought a bottle to mine. Basically what you are saying is, “I feel like you got it like that. I can come drink for free, but when it comes to me, I’m broke.” Which really means, your ass is broke and shouldn’t be drinking anyway.

Footnote: Every year I throw a big cookout on Memorial Day, I have never asked anyone to bring alcohol, but no one shows up empty handed. I wonder why... Maybe because they have home training. Trust me, the next time you are planning an event, don't be so tacky, leave that request of your invite.

Morning Mail - 09.17.09

Harry: I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.
Erica Barry: The truth doesn't have versions, okay?

(Source: Something’s Gotta Give)
Already not excited about work.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

For the last time, if you're going to wear open toes you must do something to your toes. Smh.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Morning Mail - 09.15.09

Lyle: [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking lot. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?
[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]
Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?
Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?
Lyle: [Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.
Lyle: [Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.
Lyle: [Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?
Lyle: [Becky] No.
Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Perfect.
(Source: The Italian Job)

Tom Brady and me have a lot in common.

I don’t have much Morning Mail.

But I will soon.

Might throw up a few posts today or tomorrow.

Lig and Gig.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Diet Boomerang Note: From the Archives

If you haven't watched Boomerang lately, i'd recommend that you watch that movie monthly. For people between the ages of 21-24 this is a critical movie in our lives. It shows us real shit that we need to be thinking about in our lives.

In gist, here's what it is. Eddie Murphy's character, Marcus is a bachelor and he spends his time trying to chase the vixen, Jackie. Now for the record, and let me state this... publicly for all you women at home wondering... every man, EVERY man agrees.. Robin Givens in that movie is WAAYYYYYY badder than Halle Berry. So Marcus is chasing after Jackie, who is making him go through all these hoops, spending money, flirting, spending time, he's trying to wine and dine her. In other words, trying shit, trying shit, don't work, trying shit, trying shit, switch it up, don't work. Marcus is just trying to beat, let's be honest. FINALLY, he beats. And then he finds out, like all you ignent negros have to find out the hard way, she's just looking for something casual and he's just one, not the one. WOMP WOMP. ("Bitches cheat, get over it." - Classic Jacksonian advice.)

Meanwhile, Jackie has an assistant Angela whom his boy tries to date, but it just don't work out. And it's obvious that she is interested in Marcus, but Marcus isn't really paying her any mind. You know what that dude is doing? What a majority of men and women do, you got the one, but you out trying to see just how far you can go. "If you got a Chrysler 300, you need to be happy about your Chryler 300 and stop talking about, "I got it cause it look like a Phantom."" - Katt Williams. You have a Chrysler 300, and you never getting that Phantom, because you don't really want the Phantom, you just think you do.

Quit while you're ahead, people. A lot of people do that shit. They have the one and then they try and risk it all for the full court heave, and what do they do, they lose the one, and then end up strung out on the full court heave they should have known wasn't going to work from jump. And people say, well I don't want to settle, no no no NO, it's about you don't want to be smart. You hear everyone say it, you have a 80% good look, and you risk it all for 20%. And looking back on that 20%, after losing the 80%, you sitting there like DAMN. And if you don't believe that shit, look at this... look at your friends who are like 28 and older and they get married to people they meet in their late twenties, and then look at the friends you have who get married to people they met earlier on. More than likely, the way they look in their partner's eyes is different. You know why, because when you are 22, that full court heave is a shot at the upset, when you are 28, that's a desperation heave. When you wait until the end to "settle" down, you the stuff that's left over from the creme of the crop.

Don't get me wrong, oh it feels good to be out there in the game when you can play in the game. And it's easy to take lust over love or something meaningful. But not never, not never, and every real dude on the struggle will admit, you'd rather have a ride or die chick, or a main chick, than a jumpoff. And don't get me started on the jumpoff... All i'll say is that chances are, the jumpoff never stacks up against the main chick.

Back to the movie... So what i'm trying to say here is, you see Marcus chasing after this chick Jackie, who really doesn't want just him, or want something meaningful with him. And then you have Angela, who Marcus knows he needs to be with, but he keeps being a dumb ass and banging his head against the wall until he realizes I need to get it together or i'll be unhappy.

Real talk, cats out here on the struggle got a GOOD girl, but they stay they ass up in Park every Thursday looking at these fine ass women in the joint. And they ain't doing nothing for them, you may get a number, you may even beat, but when the money is gone or a better option comes along, you get tossed and you done lost your diamond girl. And chicks out here, got a good man, but they like ATTENTION. If you meet a girl who doesn't like attention, something must be wrong with her. They like that attention, they like all that excitement stuff that they can get while they still young, and things are on the up and up. And while they out there doing dirt, that good man, meets that good girl, and now you looking at him in his happiness thinking, "That could have been me, if I was on my game." And that's not where you want to be, you want to be on the inside thinking it's warm and nice than a mofo in here, not on the outside pissed off about the way things turned out.

The original FB note can be found at:

Morning Mail – 09.11.09

On this Tuesday, I had an 10:00 class as a Freshman. I was pissed. I hated going to that class. Anyway, I woke up out of bed insisting that I would either be late or I wasn’t going. I was really concerned about my 10AM class. I woke up around 8:40, I go in the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I come out I hear mad doors opening and closing and people going into the lounge. I walked in the lounge and everyone is standing there and they are like. “Son a plane just hit the World Trade Center.” I replied, “Well, I guess that means we don’t have class. I’m going back to sleep.” I literally walked back in my room and went to sleep.

As I laid there for a while, it began to sink in that this might be serious. And I got back up and went into the lounge and just as I walked in, the towers fell. I think it was around 10AM. At this point, I was convinced this was a movie that I just hadn’t seen before. Then I saw people running around trying to make phone calls. I ain’t have no cell phone at this point, so I’m just sitting in the lounge in disbelief.

The day would go on, classes were cancelled. I spoke to my parents around 10:30AM and everyone was safe. Being from the DC, I was concerned that the plane that hit the Pentagon would have affected someone in my family’s commute but it didn’t. Also, not knowing if other planes were going to crash elsewhere made me worried, but in those times you have to let go and let God.

In the evening, as we all sat glued to the TV. A nation together began to console each other and comfort each other. A girl who stayed on our floor, Reem had a sister who came to visit her from Dubai. (They were both from Dubai) And as we are all sitting around sharing our thoughts, her sister says, “I don’t know why everyone’s upset, this happens everyday in the Middle East, it’s about time it happened to the US.”

This is when I decided to duck down.

Although, her comments about it happening elsewhere were true, they were in poor taste. But it made us all think that day about how lucky we were as Americans and what this day truly meant. We lost a lot of lives, but we opened a lot of eyes. If it hadn’t been for this day I probably wouldn’t have a job in the industry that I’m in right now. (That’s a hint that I’m dropping to the public.) Let us remember that before this day we didn’t market and promote fear, or hate of the Middle East, nor did we insist on violating everyone’s privacy in this world. Let us remember those times of ignorant bliss. But also, let us be charged to give this opportunity of peace and calm to our children, so they do not grow up in this synthetic fear.

This is the morning mail.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Possessed Metro Passengers

As the train pulls into the station you see that people start to pace down the track trying to get positioning to enter the train. They tunnel in on their desired entrance which probably has something to do with the escalator they need to catch when they exit at their stop. People with long train rides eye a seat. With their eyes fixated on specific exits and seats, they often times forget that there are other people in this world. They will walk right into you while pacing down the track as the train pulls into the station. (It’s best to stand your ground, don’t give way to a charging crowd, that’s called not having balls.) There are other people who have just entered the station and before retrieving their fare card from the terminal are already in full sprint to catch the train on the platform, because another train does not come for two minutes. Lastly, there are those people who once the train gets packed insist on having a standing spot next to the door so that they can lean against the glass barrier inside. These people block entry to the train. (They are most likely to be stampeded in the case of an emergency.)

I usually upset all of these types of passengers because of my laid back, “we are all going the same place” mentality. I very rarely will run for a train, and it won’t be in a packed station. It will be during non-rush hour when the trains are 20 minutes apart. I’d rather not pile onto a packed train, I’ll wait for the next one to arrive. I often will look at people like they are crazy before I gladly extend my hand ushering them to go ahead of me, that seat is clearly more important to them than it is to me. I get my full star belly on and turn my nose up at those people. I mean honestly in my opinion if you are going to act like that, why didn’t you just drive to work? Because you can’t afford it, so shut up.

The possessed people have no clue what they look like though. They don’t look normal. And I’ve found that those characteristics in people transcend into personality traits that are very unbecoming. These people are over controlling, over compulsive, and over analytical people. They really get under my skin. The worst part is when one of these people get in the zone and you suggest waiting for the next train, they give you a laundry list of reasons why they can’t wait for the next train, but none of them make any sense. They simply cannot come up with any real reason why that one train makes so much of a difference. Some even try to involve you in their plan, ordering you to grab a seat or upset that you are letting people go in front you.

I’ve never seen Metro as some big war that had to be won. I only saw Metro as a means of transportation. I actually learned some valuable lessons by learning not to rush for every train. I’ll share one with you another time. But to those possessed passengers, would you please take a chill pill? You’re making us all uncomfortable.

My Fellow Metro Passengers

While riding on the train one evening, I was writing my next blog for The Book of Jackson. I was thinking about writing about sex raw unrated ravishing sex. As I thought about that I looked around to see if anyone was looking at me, noticing that I was writing about such an adult topic. Then it occurred to me that perhaps I was on a train full of people who actually exhibit these behaviors in their own bedrooms. I mean it’s not that farfetched that they would. It seems like everyone’s doing it.

I looked at the lady across from me and I wondered, I wonder how she feels about her man taking her from behind and thrusting until tears well up in her eyes… or maybe the seriously obese woman in front of me enjoy splashing with her boyfriend. Who on this train is into anal? I’m looking at the jewelry on a few of the women on the train, it could be any of these five girls… or him. I’m looking at this lady reading a book not too far from me, I bet that she is the obsessive masturbator of the bunch. She can’t wait to get home and rattle off a few orgasms.

The moral of the story is that everyone’s doing it. We’re a little scared about anyone finding out what we really are into because they might judge. However, I read a lot of blogs, I mean A LOT of blogs, and I can tell you that a good number of women, like it rough. Smack my ass, pull my hair, thrust as far as you can, ROUGH. Some of those same women are on the train with you in the morning.

Morning Mail - 09.10.09

Sonia Bern: [to police officer] The whole point of having a safe deposit box is so that people like you don't know what's in it!
(Source: The Bank Job)

The hardest thing to do is wake someone up in the morning, it’s virtually impossible. And you hate being that person to wake someone up. That’s probably why they asked you to do it. They probably like to hear your voice.

Score one for the small guys! Today on the train the fat lady was about to sit next to me, when it occurred to her how much of a hot mess she would look sitting next to me. She decided to stand.

Have you ever noticed how many pregnant women are at a baseball game?

In the Information Age, my job has the internet, wireless internet. Yet, no one can ever get on. It is the crappiest wireless in the world.

It’s time that we get political people. That we get informed and we start talking about what Congress needs to get done. Do not let Capitol Hill left or right skirt the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the current healthcare plan as proposed is not passed.

Next up… that pesky Immigration Reform piece of legislation. So exciting!

Did you see Obama pull the Ted Kennedy card last night?

Anyway enough mail, I got a little Metro theme going today with my two blogs. Check them out. And check me out over at Holla at your boy. tYpE iLL blog fam.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Drunk Texting

Do you have a friend who is a notorious drunk text freak? You feel like you almost need to take their phone anytime they start drinking because they’re going to say something reckless. One of the reasons, why I’ve decided to be overly discrete with my personal life is that somehow no matter how hard you try, your business will end up in the streets. People want to hear your story so they can tell other people so that everyone can join in on a good laugh. And what better way to ensure that you are the laughing stock of everyone, than leaving a paper trail.

The thing about drunk texting is that they are very embarrassing to read the next day. You read your text messages from last night and it reads; To: 2015558662 – Well, since you farted the last time we hooked up, I figured you liked it. And you wonder why she didn’t reply to you afterwards. The other thing about drunk texting is that you have this assumption that things are completely private, however, men… let me let you in on a little secret about women. They love to show their friends the type of foolishness that you say to them. On the other hand, men we don’t want everyone knowing that we are sleeping with a complete idiot. So we won’t necessarily jump at the opportunity to show everyone what we’ve been receiving from the local neighborhood beats. (Did I just say that out loud?) As a result, because our circles are so small, she shows her friend who happens to be friends with me, who hits me up the next morning.

“Dr. J, please explain this! Why does your friend think it is ok to say to a woman, “So you say you’re good at head? I was wondering if you could kiss my balls… with my junk in your mouth.”

blank stare

And women, let me let a little secret out the bag. Most men do not communicate with one another about how to respectfully talk to women. Most of the relationship advice that is given is usually given in locker rooms, bars, and board meetings. At these times, there are high amounts of testosterone in the air and no one is really making any sense. As a result, I have no clue why my friend actually thought he could say that to you.

So we all have friends like this and we need to find some resolve. Well, here are some things that you can do to keep your friend from drunk texting:

1) Take their phone away from them the second they start drinking. If you are with them and they need to use the phone they can simply ask you for it and you will give it to them, for supervised phone usage only. You’d be surprised how many people think they need their phone in a club, when they really don’t.
2) Make them install a not so easy to remember password on their phone, so that when they get drunk it’s even more difficult and cumbersome to get around. Let’s call this a Firewall.
3) Advise them to get a drunk text buddy. I have one of these and it works great. It’s a person whom you have a platonic relationship with that you can text when you are drunk. Although it will make no sense in the morning what you said to them, it’s better that it was someone you aren’t trying to sleep with.
4) Berate them as often and frequently as possible about their drunk texting behavior and what a big headache it causes everyone around them.
5) Remind them that there are two types of people who will engage in drunk texting with you. The ones you don’t want to sleep with, this is about 90% of all the people you drunk text with. And probably your main chick that you didn’t even need to drunk text to get to come over in the first place.

To be perfectly honest with you, these are just 5 things that I came up with. I’m not sure if they would even be effective for you. However, we have to try something. Drunk texting has just reached an all time new level of debauchery.

Next time, we’ll talk about drunk texting and driving. The cousins of death.

Morning Mail - 09.09.09

Kenya Denise McQueen: I know you must think I'm combative, neurotic, picky... And maybe I am. But the weird thing is, I've never had to be anything but myself with you right from the beginning. And with you I feel like I can do anything, say anything, try anything. And that's the life I want. I want an adventure with you. You don't understand, we're suppose to be together.
Brian Kelly: I'm never going to be your dream man Kenya. I just... I won't be the fall-back guy.
Kenya Denise McQueen: No, see that's the thing. I don't have to wonder about that anymore. I know this is right. Hey, when I was younger, my dream was to marry Rick James. You're the one I want Brian. I love you.
(Source: Something New)

Fabolous decided to take shots at T-Pain on Twitter yesterday, I find it funny that Fab’s hot single is a song with the Dream who is an infamous auto-tune user. That’s slightly hypocritical. Now if Fab is aligning himself with Dream before T-Pain, that’s just stupid and slightly gay. I’ve always thought Dream was gay. In addition, T-Pain is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Hit up the Nats game yesterday and it was fun. Had seats like right behind home plate. I asked my friends if they wanted to go, but no one wanted to be out in the rain. And it didn’t even rain… And the food and drinks were free… And I can’t think of how funny it was to look up at the sky at 9ish and say, man that was stupid of them.

Ever notive when someone says, “#noshots” they are really taking shots?

It’s time that we let Chris Brown off the hook. At this point in time, it’s time to move on. If we are going to continue to hold Chris Brown accountable and at the forefront of discussion, then Rihanna has to be in the discussion too. She has exhibited a violent and psycho side too and it is always overlooked and thrown in the shadow of Chris Brown.

Business Hours are non-negotiable. I’ve been hearing too many complaints about women who decide they want to stay in the morning. Past the business hours. Business hours are 10PM to 10AM on the weekend. On the weekdays it’s 10PM to 6AM. Meaning, you need to get up and move your ass out of there before the doors close. Nothing is worse than having your schedule held up because some chick won’t leave. Now, if you’re a VIP and you know who you are, you can stay longer.

It’s times like this that I’m like, “you see I told you it wouldn’t work.”

Lig and Gig.
Fabolous, Nats game, #noshots, Drunk texting and Fashion donts for the fall today on bookofjackson.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Letter To My Girlfriend about Football


You know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you so much. I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, and just generally spending afternoons on the couch snuggled up with you reading a good book. We both have busy schedules so I know that most weekdays we hardly speak with the exception of hi and bye, and getting ready for bed in the evening. Friday nights we usually make time to grab dinner and Saturdays are usually filled with errands or attending functions that we’ve both been invited to attend as a couple. Sundays are our day. And I think that most couples would agree, Sunday is that day that you can spend with your significant other and everything is perfect. Sunday hugs, kisses, naps, and a good movie are the way to go.

Because I really appreciate that time with you, it pains me that I regret to inform you, that football is starting. This may be hard for you to understand and that’s why I took this time to write you this letter. I thought you would appreciate me getting my feelings out on paper.

I only get one day a week to watch football because it only airs on Sundays. Football starts at 1PM on Sunday, but lasts until 12AM on Tuesday. Let me explain, the games on Sunday are; 1-4PM, 4:30-7:30PM, and 8:30-11:30PM. On Monday, there is a special Encore presentation of Football at 8:30PM. It’s because the games on Sunday are so great that as men we cheer for an encore even if it kills us. I need this time, this time reminds me that I’m a man and that manly blood runs through my veins.

Also, several of my friends will come over to watch the game, or we may go to a sports bar. If I’m not in attendance I will be considered a bad friend and my manhood will undoubtedly be questioned. They will think that while men are being men, I’m probably locked in house with a blanket and hot tea watching a romantic TBS movie. And babe, I love those TBS movies, but I don’t love it when my boys laugh at me.

As it pertains to logistics, I’d like to discuss a few things. I’m a 49ers fan, and although you may not like the 49ers, it would probably be best if you went ahead and acted like you did. I get emotional. My fan hood is deeply rooted and not easily moved. Anything you say, I probably already know, and have known for some time now. For example, “Baby the man just said the 49ers haven’t scored an offensive TD in 9 quarters?! Is that a good thing?” That’s only going to make it worse. Don’t add salt to open wounds, just do what I do. And when I’m upset, just pat me on the back and tell me to keep drinking my beer.

If we have people over to our apartment for the games please be a great host. I would like to be as helpful as possible; however, my time is limited because I’m expected to be sitting in the living room watching the games at all times. I will need you to be in charge of taking orders, ordering food, serving food and providing beverages for everyone. This will be a lot easier for you if you buy the Miller Light on Saturdays when we’re out running errands. If being in the kitchen while the guys are watching the games bothers you, I’ve heard that some women take up hobbies such as cooking homemade Buffalo wings or perfecting the perfect cheese dip. There are several recipes online, feel free to try it out. I’ll be your guinea pig. (Kisses.)

During halftime is when most guys will break to call their girlfriends, wives, or side pieces. Some guys will need a few more minutes just to get up to speed on fantasy scores. However, this is a good time for us to spend about 30 minutes together. And I can’t think of a better place to be doing that than in the bedroom. Yes, sex at halftime is BAWSE! It’s our way of staying connected and it’s also a stress reliever.

I’m glad I took the time to sit down and write you this letter. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten his off my chest. I was so worried that you would be upset, but I think that now that I’ve expressed my feelings to you, you’ll understand 100%. If you want to talk about this later, please let me know, I’m always open to talking to you and hearing your thoughts. Lastly, know that, football only runs from September until February. (That’s 5 measly months!) Later we’ll discuss Thursday night Football, but it shouldn’t be a problem at all, since Comcast hasn’t figured out what to do about the NFL network, however we should talk about it just in case. Talk to you soon!

With Love and Admiration,

Your Honey Bunches of Oats

Untitled Blog Post

You wake up one day in your bed wondering how you got there and how you’ve just turned 25 and you’re not sure if you’re life has just begun or if you’re behind the pack it’s coincidentally around the same time that you notice that your life is filled with dragging your pathetic ass to work each day and instead of checking your email as soon as you sit at your desk you are more concerned with setting up a tab for gmail facebook twitter and your favorite blog after this you spend time reading but not replying to your email because you’d much rather spend time replying to a new post on SBM and then you reply to a few emails and then hurry off to a quick meeting while in this meeting you realize that the reality of the information age that we live in hits you with a buzz in your cell phone holster a text message from your friend who says did you see your ex's new photo album you quickly sigh and place the phone on silent and put it back in your pocket and once returning to your desk you tell yourself that you’re not going to look you’re going to update your twitter by saying something witty as a slight diss because you think your ex is reading your twitter but they're not so all your close friends say to themselves you're still not over their ex after about 4 more gchats you decide you might as well check out the photo album and it is at this very point in time you realize how pathetic you are because you are looking at your ex and your replacement on some exotic beach in some Caribbean island and you are filled with envy you’re already there now so you might as well go through the photo album upset at facebook for the new ability to post 160 pictures this is a lot more difficult that the previous 60 pictures that used to be your tool for torture you think back to when you guys were together and how what started off as two people who would exchange funny text messages at work and slightly inappropriate text messages when you had a few drinks drink at happy hour turned into coffee dates and then drunk sex after a night of shots and beer on a Thursday night that resulted in you having to buy a new shirt for work the next day because you never made it home and months later you see yourself comfortable enough to put on sweats and your Armani block frame glasses to spend a Saturday afternoon on the couch reading with each other you’ve probably just about moved in with each other to save money on rent and or mortgage and now you have a cat or some little bitch ass dog that you really never wanted but if your baby wants lemons well your baby gets lemons as all these thoughts run through your head you reminisce on how perfect your life was and wonder how it all got messed up you decided to save up for a wedding ring about three years into the relationship and this is when she starts telling you that you don’t ever do anything together anymore without an answer you just remain silent until you come home one day and find that she’s not happy you’re there anymore when you try to have sex she replies it’s sore and you are quickly reminded that you haven’t had sex in over two weeks as your manager walks past your computer screen you don’t budge because you are filled with hate of that moment when you had that epiphany that she was probably fucking Dan her team lead that she seems to always be working late with and as angry as you are you realize that you’re really a punk because you knew it was going on and did nothing about it you invited him to a holiday party at your house so here you are in front of your computer trying to get your life together but not sure if that’s even possible because all this that you’re remembering actually happened two years ago and you haven’t had another girlfriend well except when you tried to convince yourself that you were dating that women you paid for sex on a weekly basis you are so pathetic later that day at lunch you sit alone eating your pathetic deli sandwich with a water to save money and can only afford a $6 lunch and you look at women walk by in front of you and find yourself categorizing the women by the size inch heel and the cut of the dress at the midpoint of lunch you realize that you’ve counted 12 pencil skirts in 3.5 inch heels you wonder how problematic it is that you know the difference between 3, 3.5 and 4 inch heels it’s probably not that big of a deal as one walks by you find yourself trying to decipher if you can find the panty line which you can’t and suddenly she turns around spots you checking her out and like an idiot you let your eyes go from her waist line to her face and then give a pathetic smile has it dawned on you that you could have possibly talked to one of those 12 women who have walked pass you probably not because you’re pathetic and you’d probably get no where anyway at least that’s what you’ve told yourself get a life

Morning Mail - 09.08.09

Nick: I just feel like she's messing with me.
Thom: Who are you talking about?
Nick: Right now, Norah. No, Tris. Tris.
Thom: You just haven't figured it out yet, have you.
Nick: What?
Thom: ...The big picture!
Nick: I guess not.
Thom: The Beatles.
Nick: What about them?
Thom: This.
[grabs Nick's hand]
Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
[Gay couple passes holding hands and smiles at them]
Nick: I'm gonna stop right now.
(Source: Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist)

This is really a true statement. And when you get it, you will be like… “O-M-G… epiphany!”

I hate when people electronically stalk me, although I make it blaringly easy to do so. So let me explain, I may update my twitter, gchat, BBM and facebook, however, if I do not know you are subscribed to one of those channels, please do not quote them. Would you believe that some people stalk your public twitter feed?

Liquids and electronics don’t miss, don’t you ever forget that either.

If I don’t tell myself it’s really happening then I can keep my pessimistic outlook intact.

Football arrives on Thursday. It’s going to be a great year.

Let’s see, NYC to NJ to Syracuse to NYC to DC, that was a hell of a weekend and it explains why I’m sick, but I’m well rested. That lets you know that you’re doing something right.

I wish I had a hammock.

I totally know how Brad Pitt feels 80% of the time.

Lig and Gig.

I like Blueprint 3, but I really prefer Jay-Z as the 4th quarter rapper. I’m still listening to Pitbull – Rebelution and thinking about vacation plans. And also, I cannot stop listening to Keyshia Cole’s – A Different Me. I feel like anyone who has heard it realizes it’s a really solid album, anyone who hasn’t keep hating.

I literally said this weekend, “OK, I’m not going to talk shit, I’m just going to beat you.” Minutes later, I delivered a crushing blow to the opposing beer pong team. I think they had 7 cups left on the table when I was done.

The internet blows at my job causes me to have a very crappy wireless.

I’m ready to call this theory a fact. “If two people are looking for the same thing out a relationship, at this age and in this time, if they want to make it work, it will work. It’s a cop out when people act as though things just didn’t work out. That means one of the two didn’t want it to work out.’

I’m going to be inside for the next two weeks, just chilling. Time for a little staycation.

Tomorrow is 9.9.9... oooh.
Blog updates today. Hopefully in the AM. Not feeling sitting at the front desk today. I plan to skate on the task.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Totally Freaked Out Part II

[I know you’re going to read this so whatever, I expect to get a text message in the next 3-4 hours.]

So I met this chick in ATL, on the way to ATL, whatever, yeah that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that she was 1) good looking, 2) mad cool to talk to, and 3) borderline almost perfect for what I needed at the time. Honestly, when Rick Ross says, “5’5”, slanted eyes, b*tch walk is MEAN” that is the best way to describe her. OK to the point, two things made me dead her: the fact that she had no middle ground, it was either the club or straight lounging, she couldn’t like chill. And also, the fact that she kept going back to ATL all the time like twice a month. And like the first time we hung out I noticed that she was in a hotel room with like 6 other girls. (Read: Women do not sleep on top of each other, if you get to a hotel room with six girls in it and there’s two beds, the plan was not for them to stay in the hotel room.) (Reread: Grimy. “And I’m supposed to pick a wife out this bunch.” – Midtown) So I was like, you know I bet she has a man in ATL. And once I got that hunch, I just backed off. This is called reading in between the lines.

[Now awaiting an accusatory text message.]

Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m not going to freak out when something seems too good to be true. Let me be clear, I’m no longer doing unhealthy anymore. And I’m dedicated to only being in situations with women deserving of a person like me. And to the women, who don’t deserve the men they have, good for them. #noshots. My natural reaction is that personally I don’t like when people become emotionally attached to me, and I really don’t like when I become emotionally attached I just dead the situation because I prefer to make decisions with my head.

But provided it is a healthy situation and the girl isn’t a dirtbag, I won’t crash the car. I promise… for now. I mean, I look at it this way. I could spend my time making knee jerk reactions and protecting myself from getting involved in something that could change my mind about life, or end up hurting me and causing me undue stress. But really, does anyone ever feel bad when they have someone who likes them and they like them too? Nah not really. I’m just saying, I think the auto-deading is weak. The reason why is because what if I dead something that could have been good for me. I mean, those opportunities are not limitless. And I wouldn’t want to get to the end of the road and realized I missed my exit.

So I guess we’ll see what happens now.

PS – Just so we are clear, I’m not freaking out. I’m just looking back on a situation that happened in the past and I’m realizing that I regret it. And saying to myself, I won’t do that again.

Morning Mail - 09.02.09

Agent 47: Nika
Nika Boronina: Yes?
Agent 47: Stop talking or i'll put you back in the trunk.

(Source: Hitman)

Salma Hayek was born today! Cot damn…

It’s been a while since I last spoke to you, so I figure I have a lot to say. But to be honest, it’s just been more and more work so nothing really special has happened to me. In the last two weeks I haven’t been out much at all. I haven’t been to any clubs or lounges in DC and doubt I will do much before October.

Let’s review: is still the jumpoff, make sure you support. I have been slacking, but I’m going to post something this week. needs more people, so phone a friend and tell them to check it out.

I’m going to post that follow up today, to that extremely ambiguous post I put up a few weeks ago.

I realize that my ability to crash cars has reached all-time demolition status.

Who cries when a sinner dies?

Heading out of town this weekend on a stealth trip. If you get a picture of me, do not facebook it.

I have been on facebook a total of three hours this week. I’m proud of myself. Even though some of that time was spent doing other things other than facebook, at least I was logged in.

I got this therapist now. I wonder if they’ll prescribe me some hardcore shit that will make my head go AYE.

I am obsessed with the Mariah Carey, Obsessed song. I am also obsessed with her, she’s boootiful.

I think I have an international girl fetish. I learn new things from Alex B. every day. When something is not working, stop trying to force the circle into a square peg.

I’m also glad that I haven’t drank that Jamesons yet.

I could never marry someone who worked in the government, I’m convinced that everyone is screwing.

I thought the day would never come when I would say this, but if there is such thing as Black Girl Lost, there is such thing as White Girl Lost and I have met her. What a few miscreants can’t ruin.

Women are grimy. No I mean that with all honesty, they are grimy. And the 21st Century woman is getting her way every time now. It is as though they are running the same play on Madden each down and we can’t stop it.

You ever been watching a porno and swore that you knew the chick from somewhere. It’s actually a lot of porn stars out here these days.

Have you noticed a lot of pregnant chicks lately? I know I have.

I am so behind on my blogs. I need to catch up. I mean I’m still writing, but I haven’t been reading.

Olga Kurylenko can get it, any day, all day.
Amerie… welcome back baby boo.
I’m still trying to think about who is better Rich Girl vs. Electrik Red

Trey Songz – Ready is SERIOUS. I am not mad at it one bit. That boy is a fool, but his album is a definite hit.
Pitbull – Rebelution is BAWSE. Every time I hear a song on there I just want a margarita and some board shorts.
Jay-Z the Blueprint 3 is a solid album and par for the course.

I’m starting to change my opinion about pencil skirts. Cot damn.

Tweet Tweet Beotch Tweet Tweet!

Lig and Gig.

NYC here we go again…