Drunk Texting

Do you have a friend who is a notorious drunk text freak? You feel like you almost need to take their phone anytime they start drinking because they’re going to say something reckless. One of the reasons, why I’ve decided to be overly discrete with my personal life is that somehow no matter how hard you try, your business will end up in the streets. People want to hear your story so they can tell other people so that everyone can join in on a good laugh. And what better way to ensure that you are the laughing stock of everyone, than leaving a paper trail.

The thing about drunk texting is that they are very embarrassing to read the next day. You read your text messages from last night and it reads; To: 2015558662 – Well, since you farted the last time we hooked up, I figured you liked it. And you wonder why she didn’t reply to you afterwards. The other thing about drunk texting is that you have this assumption that things are completely private, however, men… let me let you in on a little secret about women. They love to show their friends the type of foolishness that you say to them. On the other hand, men we don’t want everyone knowing that we are sleeping with a complete idiot. So we won’t necessarily jump at the opportunity to show everyone what we’ve been receiving from the local neighborhood beats. (Did I just say that out loud?) As a result, because our circles are so small, she shows her friend who happens to be friends with me, who hits me up the next morning.

“Dr. J, please explain this! Why does your friend think it is ok to say to a woman, “So you say you’re good at head? I was wondering if you could kiss my balls… with my junk in your mouth.”

blank stare

And women, let me let a little secret out the bag. Most men do not communicate with one another about how to respectfully talk to women. Most of the relationship advice that is given is usually given in locker rooms, bars, and board meetings. At these times, there are high amounts of testosterone in the air and no one is really making any sense. As a result, I have no clue why my friend actually thought he could say that to you.

So we all have friends like this and we need to find some resolve. Well, here are some things that you can do to keep your friend from drunk texting:

1) Take their phone away from them the second they start drinking. If you are with them and they need to use the phone they can simply ask you for it and you will give it to them, for supervised phone usage only. You’d be surprised how many people think they need their phone in a club, when they really don’t.
2) Make them install a not so easy to remember password on their phone, so that when they get drunk it’s even more difficult and cumbersome to get around. Let’s call this a Firewall.
3) Advise them to get a drunk text buddy. I have one of these and it works great. It’s a person whom you have a platonic relationship with that you can text when you are drunk. Although it will make no sense in the morning what you said to them, it’s better that it was someone you aren’t trying to sleep with.
4) Berate them as often and frequently as possible about their drunk texting behavior and what a big headache it causes everyone around them.
5) Remind them that there are two types of people who will engage in drunk texting with you. The ones you don’t want to sleep with, this is about 90% of all the people you drunk text with. And probably your main chick that you didn’t even need to drunk text to get to come over in the first place.

To be perfectly honest with you, these are just 5 things that I came up with. I’m not sure if they would even be effective for you. However, we have to try something. Drunk texting has just reached an all time new level of debauchery.

Next time, we’ll talk about drunk texting and driving. The cousins of death.