Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Letter To My Girlfriend about Football

Babe,

You know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you so much. I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, and just generally spending afternoons on the couch snuggled up with you reading a good book. We both have busy schedules so I know that most weekdays we hardly speak with the exception of hi and bye, and getting ready for bed in the evening. Friday nights we usually make time to grab dinner and Saturdays are usually filled with errands or attending functions that we’ve both been invited to attend as a couple. Sundays are our day. And I think that most couples would agree, Sunday is that day that you can spend with your significant other and everything is perfect. Sunday hugs, kisses, naps, and a good movie are the way to go.

Because I really appreciate that time with you, it pains me that I regret to inform you, that football is starting. This may be hard for you to understand and that’s why I took this time to write you this letter. I thought you would appreciate me getting my feelings out on paper.

I only get one day a week to watch football because it only airs on Sundays. Football starts at 1PM on Sunday, but lasts until 12AM on Tuesday. Let me explain, the games on Sunday are; 1-4PM, 4:30-7:30PM, and 8:30-11:30PM. On Monday, there is a special Encore presentation of Football at 8:30PM. It’s because the games on Sunday are so great that as men we cheer for an encore even if it kills us. I need this time, this time reminds me that I’m a man and that manly blood runs through my veins.

Also, several of my friends will come over to watch the game, or we may go to a sports bar. If I’m not in attendance I will be considered a bad friend and my manhood will undoubtedly be questioned. They will think that while men are being men, I’m probably locked in house with a blanket and hot tea watching a romantic TBS movie. And babe, I love those TBS movies, but I don’t love it when my boys laugh at me.

As it pertains to logistics, I’d like to discuss a few things. I’m a 49ers fan, and although you may not like the 49ers, it would probably be best if you went ahead and acted like you did. I get emotional. My fan hood is deeply rooted and not easily moved. Anything you say, I probably already know, and have known for some time now. For example, “Baby the man just said the 49ers haven’t scored an offensive TD in 9 quarters?! Is that a good thing?” That’s only going to make it worse. Don’t add salt to open wounds, just do what I do. And when I’m upset, just pat me on the back and tell me to keep drinking my beer.

If we have people over to our apartment for the games please be a great host. I would like to be as helpful as possible; however, my time is limited because I’m expected to be sitting in the living room watching the games at all times. I will need you to be in charge of taking orders, ordering food, serving food and providing beverages for everyone. This will be a lot easier for you if you buy the Miller Light on Saturdays when we’re out running errands. If being in the kitchen while the guys are watching the games bothers you, I’ve heard that some women take up hobbies such as cooking homemade Buffalo wings or perfecting the perfect cheese dip. There are several recipes online, feel free to try it out. I’ll be your guinea pig. (Kisses.)

During halftime is when most guys will break to call their girlfriends, wives, or side pieces. Some guys will need a few more minutes just to get up to speed on fantasy scores. However, this is a good time for us to spend about 30 minutes together. And I can’t think of a better place to be doing that than in the bedroom. Yes, sex at halftime is BAWSE! It’s our way of staying connected and it’s also a stress reliever.

I’m glad I took the time to sit down and write you this letter. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten his off my chest. I was so worried that you would be upset, but I think that now that I’ve expressed my feelings to you, you’ll understand 100%. If you want to talk about this later, please let me know, I’m always open to talking to you and hearing your thoughts. Lastly, know that, football only runs from September until February. (That’s 5 measly months!) Later we’ll discuss Thursday night Football, but it shouldn’t be a problem at all, since Comcast hasn’t figured out what to do about the NFL network, however we should talk about it just in case. Talk to you soon!

With Love and Admiration,

Your Honey Bunches of Oats

7 comments:

JEM said...

iQuit.

Last night I cooked steak and mashed potatoes and reacted what I learned from Slim's lady and this negro said FSU vs. Miami.

And was OUT! Man...this really is serious, but I am going to excuse this because Thursday night I just know he's taking me to Lotus and Lychee Libations & ice cream...


What are you offering to make up for this absentee male behavior?

True2me said...

lmao @ take up some hobbies like perfecting the cheese dip LMAO

I love this

Coach Phil said...

CLASSIC!

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

Only you... that's all I have to say...

Miss ya Dr. J

Keli said...

And this chick will be right there with you...

Are you ready for some football!

Hellllll Yeah! :D

Strictly Shonta said...

Dr. J, I’m fairly new to your site so I’m a little late with this one. However, I could appreciate a letter like this. I don’t know how the hosting, taking orders and serving would play out in her book; but the fact that you mentioned it is hilarious to say the least.

Journey78 said...

LOL. My dude will never have to write me a letter like this. He'd know better to ask me to take up a hobby or prepare for his buddies to come watch the game. His question needs to be, "Where are you watching the game and will i hear from you at all today. LOL. Women need to get up on their football!