How To Have a Wedding Like a G

Make sure you have a G ass wedding band.

You know what time of the year this is? Wedding season. Depending on how old you are, you’re going to have to get ready to shell out some major dough for your friends and their wedding. That’s $50-$200 depending on how close you are to the couple, and no a blender will not do. Nothing ticks me off then going to a boring wedding; and I’m glad to say that I’ve been to some hood weddings, I’ve been to some hilarious weddings, but I’ve only been to one boring wedding and I think it was because I was the date of someone I didn’t even like. I’ll tell the short story; woman decides that she’s too busy to date embarks on a FWB situation with Dr. J and then receives a wedding invitation to a close friend’s wedding that she cannot skip. Well, she has choices, she could ask her ex-boyfriend who also knows the bride, but he hates her guts, so he’s likely to say no. She could ask her gay friend, but that seems like a good idea to a pathetic girl, all the cool girls are like, “Oh my god, she can’t find ANY straight man who will go to a wedding with her.” So she had to ask her FWB and it’s always weird asking your FWB to do stuff with you because you have to caveat every line of the request:

“Hey, so I got invited to this wedding and I don’t have anyone to go with … so I’m tempted to just not go and make up an excuse for why I’m not going. Anyway, I don’t know, does that sound like something you want to do, it’s free food and drinks, it’s totally cool if you don’t want to do it, like seriously, if you don’t want to, it’s fine. I don’t know, she’s marrying this guy that I don’t even like all that much, but we’ve been friend since middle school, so I kind of feel like I have to go, but I don’t want to buy a dress and I don’t have a date, so I’m like … maybe I’ll skip it. Anyway, let me know.”

Here was the issue: I had absolutely nothing to do on that day she mentioned and I was like, “fuck it she fully expects me to say no” I might as well go. But if she catches that bouquet … watch me go to the bathroom. Later at that wedding when I realized that it was cash bar and also boring as hell, I was dreading the decision to drive all the way to New Jersey for this bullshit. While sitting there I took out a piece of paper and started writing out how I would plan a gangster ass wedding. This is what I got:

1. The ceremony has to be less than 45 minutes – I hate long weddings. There’s actually no reason to drag the process out any longer than it has to be. If you’re Catholic, fine, I understand. If you’re in a backyard and you just want to have us out there for hours on end just so we can stand and watch you look pretty, no way man, chill with all that. I was at a wedding and the sun was behind the preacher, the wedding lasted two hours, with the sun in our face. At one point, I took off my jacket and just made a tanning session of it. You can get married downtown at the Justice of Peace in five minutes flat, there’s no reason for us to be at your wedding ceremony for longer than 45 minutes.

2. Change the processional music – My boy had a wedding like a G out in Vegas, he came out to It’s A Man’s World and his bride came out to At Last. I thought those were perfect songs for their personalities. But the point was the old traditional wedding processional songs are boring and they are not hip to the times. I know right now, I’m commissioning Lex Luger for some real ultra beat that makes people wonder whether they’re at a wedding or a strip club for when I come in there. It won’t be nothing Drake like either, just some straight Rachet Music Label shit that everybody can be like, “Aw shit this is about to go down!” I’m just brainstorming right now but maybe 600 Benz, I’m trying to have a driveway at my wedding too, just roll into the wedding hopping out the 600 Benz with the gull wing doors. (That’s some shit you don’t know about unless you a G like myself.)  As I was writing this, I decided to have my wife come into Motivation - Kelly Rowland.

3. No singing or dancing – Why is it that people want to let their church’s dance ministry do some silly ass dance at the wedding? You know what I’m thinking every time I see this? There is a reason why you’re dancing for First Baptist Church of Reformed Jumpoffs and not for Alvin Ailey. And even if you used to be in Alvin Ailey, why are you jumping around the front of the wedding looking like Dragonfly Jones. Cut that shit out and go sit all the way down. That’s the same for people who want to have someone sing. If you could sing, you’d have a deal. The fact of the matter is you sound like Brittney Houston and what the f*ck do the children and the future have to do with these two people getting married?!

4. It’s okay to wear sunglasses – I’m going to be honest with you, Black people love wearing sunglasses at church. It’s early, or the gospel music is made for us to breakdown and have a good cry. We need to have sunglasses. That’s cool though. The true sign of a G is sunglasses in an inappropriate place. Plus you got to look out for the groomsmen, they trying to peep what they taking home later from the audience and they can’t get caught slipping since you're flashing pictures every fifteen seconds.

5. No crying – That’s cool if your bride wants to start crying, this is like the NBA Championship for women. She should be allowed to shed some #HalleBerry tears, a lot of people counted Black women down and out and didn’t expect her to never make it to the altar, but she did. So she's probably gonna cry since the majority of the friends she has have no chance at getting married. And those friends can cry too. But under no f*cking circumstances should a G cry at his wedding, or the best man. I seent you, you know who you are, turning away, that’s real odd that you started crying when you was just the best man. But anyway, you can wipe your bride’s tears but keep your to yourself. I was at a wedding one time and the groom started crying as soon as the bride hit the processional. I’m looking at him like, STOP CRYING. Now the bride, her face was dry as an island boy’s heels after a morning jog. Everybody shaking their head at this guy like, “I feel like he either f*cked a few other chicks along the way, or he just a straight b*tch and since I don’t want to call my boy a straight b*tch, I’m gonna say he been dipping out on her.” She knew what was up.

6. An open bar – You only get married once, but you want to make sure that nobody remembers it. For that reason, you need to make sure you have an open bar, correction, a top shelf open bar. There should be no Russians at your wedding serving vodka, the only people allowed are the French so pour out all the Grey Goose you can find. And how can you have a wedding and not have Hennessy??? (you know how long it takes to spell that word, as long as we been drinking it, people misspell it each time). If you’ve ever been to a wedding that was cash bar, you know that people always say it was nice, but those f*ckers were cheap for making people pay for their drinks. And also if you have to pay for drinks, you not going to go IINNN like you should at the celebration. Have you ever listened to the song, “Shout” sober? Shits wack as ass crack. The best way to sing “Shout” is drunk as a skunk with your ass in the air.

7. People should bring more bottles – You know how you at some real O.G. ish, people bring bottles of high-end liquor to have with the groom. You know he ain’t going to have no Rose at his wedding, so you bring a case of Rose for the fellas. Somebody breaks out the Patron Magnum bottle, another person has Louis XIII, and the ladies are drinking the Nuvo. (PSA: If a woman tells you that Nuvo is weak as sh*t, get away from that girl, she’s a drunk. I had like three bottles of Nuvo one time, probably will again this weekend, and I was Rainbow Sherbet wasted.) But how you going to dance with all your boys and not clutch a bottle? Y’all know when I get married I’ll be punishing bottles of Henny, at least two. No more than two… somebody help pace me.

8. There should be some real dancing and music – If your music could be played in a restaurant while people have dinner, then it’s not appropriate. I don’t know about y’all but my favorite music is anything from 1992 until 1999. I need my Death Row, Bad Boy, No Limit, Cash Money, and everything else. I want to hear Silk, Avant, R. Kelly, 702, TLC, and Total. But at the same time, I want to hear some anthem music, so please play Ballin’ and B.M.F., the point is, I want my music to be real. Yeah, we’ll get to the cha cha slide in a few, but for now let’s hear some real music and do some Dame Dash dances around the dance floor. In my head I picture it like a music video.

9. I’m lying like shit, my wedding is going to have all music done by DJ Creu and Melancia Mulhere.

10. Make sure your boys are not p*ssy – This is one last minor but most important note. Make sure you surround yourself with the right people at your wedding and it’s not just in case somebody need to get laid out for talking slick. But it’s because if your boys are real friends they will make sure that even though they won’t remember the day that you remember it. They will make sure that you shine and that everything goes to plan. Only other thing I’m going to say is make sure your female cousins and godsisters are there too and ready to fire on ratchets who might show up, or might have gotten invited and then want to act out of pocket.

My boy called me up one time and told me, “Jax, I’m getting married, you got to be in the wedding.” I took out my sheet of paper and I said, “Can I ask you a few questions before I agree to do this?” He started laughing, but I was dead ass serious. I ain’t want to be parts of a wedding that wasn’t gangster as hell. So I just started with my first question,

“Will you load up the choppers like it’s December 31st?”

PS - Big shoutout to @8plus9 aka NC17 who's exchanging some nuptials this weekend, I won't tell you why he did it, but if you look in the comments of one of my posts a few posts back he tells you.  I thought about exchanging dap with the guy, but he know and I know, DC and Baltimore don't mix, nothing come from that except a whole lot of Caprices and St. Vics in the street and people popping off.  Without further adieu, SALUD!