|Make sure you have a G ass wedding band.|
“Hey, so I got invited to this wedding and I don’t have anyone to go with … so I’m tempted to just not go and make up an excuse for why I’m not going. Anyway, I don’t know, does that sound like something you want to do, it’s free food and drinks, it’s totally cool if you don’t want to do it, like seriously, if you don’t want to, it’s fine. I don’t know, she’s marrying this guy that I don’t even like all that much, but we’ve been friend since middle school, so I kind of feel like I have to go, but I don’t want to buy a dress and I don’t have a date, so I’m like … maybe I’ll skip it. Anyway, let me know.”
Here was the issue: I had absolutely nothing to do on that day she mentioned and I was like, “fuck it she fully expects me to say no” I might as well go. But if she catches that bouquet … watch me go to the bathroom. Later at that wedding when I realized that it was cash bar and also boring as hell, I was dreading the decision to drive all the way to New Jersey for this bullshit. While sitting there I took out a piece of paper and started writing out how I would plan a gangster ass wedding. This is what I got:
1. The ceremony has to be less than 45 minutes – I hate long weddings. There’s actually no reason to drag the process out any longer than it has to be. If you’re Catholic, fine, I understand. If you’re in a backyard and you just want to have us out there for hours on end just so we can stand and watch you look pretty, no way man, chill with all that. I was at a wedding and the sun was behind the preacher, the wedding lasted two hours, with the sun in our face. At one point, I took off my jacket and just made a tanning session of it. You can get married downtown at the Justice of Peace in five minutes flat, there’s no reason for us to be at your wedding ceremony for longer than 45 minutes.
3. No singing or dancing – Why is it that people want to let their church’s dance ministry do some silly ass dance at the wedding? You know what I’m thinking every time I see this? There is a reason why you’re dancing for First Baptist Church of Reformed Jumpoffs and not for Alvin Ailey. And even if you used to be in Alvin Ailey, why are you jumping around the front of the wedding looking like Dragonfly Jones. Cut that shit out and go sit all the way down. That’s the same for people who want to have someone sing. If you could sing, you’d have a deal. The fact of the matter is you sound like Brittney Houston and what the f*ck do the children and the future have to do with these two people getting married?!
6. An open bar – You only get married once, but you want to make sure that nobody remembers it. For that reason, you need to make sure you have an open bar, correction, a top shelf open bar. There should be no Russians at your wedding serving vodka, the only people allowed are the French so pour out all the Grey Goose you can find. And how can you have a wedding and not have Hennessy??? (you know how long it takes to spell that word, as long as we been drinking it, people misspell it each time). If you’ve ever been to a wedding that was cash bar, you know that people always say it was nice, but those f*ckers were cheap for making people pay for their drinks. And also if you have to pay for drinks, you not going to go IINNN like you should at the celebration. Have you ever listened to the song, “Shout” sober? Shits wack as ass crack. The best way to sing “Shout” is drunk as a skunk with your ass in the air.
8. There should be some real dancing and music – If your music could be played in a restaurant while people have dinner, then it’s not appropriate. I don’t know about y’all but my favorite music is anything from 1992 until 1999. I need my Death Row, Bad Boy, No Limit, Cash Money, and everything else. I want to hear Silk, Avant, R. Kelly, 702, TLC, and Total. But at the same time, I want to hear some anthem music, so please play Ballin’ and B.M.F., the point is, I want my music to be real. Yeah, we’ll get to the cha cha slide in a few, but for now let’s hear some real music and do some Dame Dash dances around the dance floor. In my head I picture it like a music video.
9. I’m lying like shit, my wedding is going to have all music done by DJ Creu and Melancia Mulhere.
My boy called me up one time and told me, “Jax, I’m getting married, you got to be in the wedding.” I took out my sheet of paper and I said, “Can I ask you a few questions before I agree to do this?” He started laughing, but I was dead ass serious. I ain’t want to be parts of a wedding that wasn’t gangster as hell. So I just started with my first question,
“Will you load up the choppers like it’s December 31st?”
PS - Big shoutout to @8plus9 aka NC17 who's exchanging some nuptials this weekend, I won't tell you why he did it, but if you look in the comments of one of my posts a few posts back he tells you. I thought about exchanging dap with the guy, but he know and I know, DC and Baltimore don't mix, nothing come from that except a whole lot of Caprices and St. Vics in the street and people popping off. Without further adieu, SALUD!