Thursday, September 8, 2011

When Does Sex Count?

She isn't going to remember any of this in the morning.

Previously on The Book of Jackson – We discovered that you can’t trust a woman when she tells you how many people she’s had sex with.  Let’s review.

The Female Numerical System:

-ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, NOTHING COUNTS…. This can be extended to the entire month/week depending on how she celebrates.
-If he didn’t finish, it didn’t count
-If she was drunk, it didn’t count
-If she doesn’t remember, didn’t count
-If she was in the islands or overseas, it didn’t count
-If she was mad at another guy, whether it be her man or eff buddy, didn’t count
-If she didn’t tell her friends, didn’t count
-If she COULDN’T tell her friends, for reasons such as, he’s ugly, he’s disgusting, or just generally an old monkey ass “negro,” that’s right, didn’t count
-If it was wack, didn’t count
-If she was, “going through a stage,” i.e., Arissa from real world, didn’t count
-If she was in a three or moresome, that counts as one
-If he was younger than her, unless, it was some Pretty Ricky, Chris Brown, feel good, didn’t count
-If he dies, there’s no proof of sex, so he is removed too (that’s for my hood girls, I luv yall.)

You’re welcome to believe that hogwash, but…

Many men sit around trying to come to an answer about, “When can you officially say you had sex with a girl?”  I’m sure many women do the same thing.  Jessica said, “You f*cked him, didn’t you!”  And Chanel said, “No I didn’t, he tried to slip it in, but I told him no I ain’t want to have sex.”  You really can’t go on what a woman defines as sex, well at least for a man.  See sex is like golf for women and it’s like football for men.  The point of the game for women is to keep your score as low as possible, a woman’s sex life is like a game of chutes and ladders – except the goal is to get a chute.  If she can successfully sleep with 30 dudes and then that only counts as 5, then she’ll go back to “START” as many times as possible.  Now for the men, the point of the game is score as many points as possible, definitely more than anyone else.  For that reason you have dudes who’ll do anything for a win.  I’ve never been that type.  Victory wasn’t so sweet if I didn’t beat the tough competition.  I got a friend who will sleep with anything that walks just so he can brag he has the highest body count.  I just be looking at him some days like, “You had sex with the dragon from Shrek though… and Shrek too.”  Oh man, there was this girl we used to call Shrek back in the day because she was cool, but she looked just like Shrek.  That was horrible, but if you got a friend and you think she looks like Shrek or Jar Jar Binks, dudes probably call her that behind her back.  Never the less, I can’t tell you how people count what they count, but the only thing that I will say is that you must be consistent.  You can count how you want to count, but you just have to count everything the same way.  You can pick any of the following methods for counting:

The Memory Method

Keep it 100, if you don’t remember it, it didn’t count.  Now let’s be clear, one time, I knew a guy who was telling me the women he slept with and I said, “What about [such and such]?”  His face turned white and he said, “Damn I forgot all about that ish didn’t I?”  He added her in and he kept going.  That counts.  What I mean by you don’t remember is that you literally do not remember.  If you woke up somewhere not in your bed and you were asshole naked and you have to ask yourself, “Did I just get f*cked?”  You don’t have to count that shit babygirl.  This right here is the reason why most girls don’t count anything that happened their senior year of college.  They was drunk as a skunk every Thursday night, they don’t remember nothing.  (Sidenote, you can always tell how many women a man has slept with by how he reacts to the question, “How many bodies you got?”  One dude will go to his picture in picture and look up and to the left.  Another dude will break out his fingers and start counting.  I been in a frat house and a bro said, “You got a sheet of paper?”  Hands down the best I’ve ever heard of was a dude used to keep the wrapper from the first time he ever smashed a chick in a shoebox under his bed.  He had an accurate count, if I ever seen one.)

"Please tell me you can go again..."
The Rhythm Method

All the rhythm method means is that if it wasn’t good, then you are allowed not to count it.  This goes both ways.  If you a dude who put in hard work to knock down a jumpoff and it’s wack, you don’t have to take credit for that.  You know jumpoffs ruin your credit, but there’s also the assumption that just because a chick is a jumpoff she know how to go pro in the bedroom.  Nope, being a jumpoff means you’re easy, ain’t got nothing to do with skills in the bed.  Anyway, if it’s wack, don’t count it.  If you looking at this like a woman, you can just about write off all the sex you’ve ever had in your life using this method.  Woman love to say the sex was wack.  They will hoot and holler like they’re in child labor and then when their friends ask them how was it, they’ll say, “I mean, it was okay … shit.”  (That delayed shit is like what Black women ride out to.  They use it to pacify a pathetic statement or as a transitional phrase.  For example, “I ain’t coming to work today … shit.”)  Anyway, if you didn’t like the sex, then don’t count it.  It’s one IMPORTANT exception to this rule.  There are men out there who do not know how to make a woman feel good when they having sex, but they like to just pound away for about an hour or so.  If you was with a dude and he got coke d*ck and just spent about 50 minutes pounding on you like a tough porkchop, you have to count that.  The coochie was damaged, that’s going need to be on your credit report.

Once Upon a Time…

Anytime you can start a story with, “there was this one time”, you can always take all that off your record.  If the story starts with, “one time, I had just broke up with [such and such],” you can take that off the record.  I got a boy and he did something dumb one time.  He wanted to go to Miami and have fun with his boys, so his solution to doing that while being in a relationship was to pull the 11th grade okie doke.  He would start an argument on Wednesday and break up on Thursday and get back together on Monday.   That way he could be single for the weekend.  But the problem was, he was 25.  I told him almost immediately, “You plan to break up with your girl, in DC, and then leave DC and go to Miami?  Watch, somebody in Park on Friday gonna pipe your girl next to that sign that say 4 on the steps.”  You know what happened, she piped a dude at Park on Friday.  He wanted to get back with her though, after all they had feelings for each other and what not.  So basically, I told him, “Yo that don’t count, you can’t hold that against her.  That’s situational d*ck right there.  It’s like mouthwash or cold medicine, technically you had alcohol in your system, but there was a reason for it, so we can’t hold it against you.  Yeah, basically consider that dude who piped your girl … cold medicine.”

Don't hold it against her Will!!!
Three Hitter Quitter

I got a friend who we always go back and forth on if he ever had sex with a girl or not.  I say he did, he says he didn’t.  I think he saying it out of respect for the young lady in question because he don’t want people to think less of her, that’s commendable and what not.  But his rule is in order for it to count, you must get three good pumps in.  I guess that’s a way of looking at it.  He said three pumps is like a taste test.  If she don’t know after three pumps if this is something she wants to do, then it doesn’t count.  I told him he’s letting those women off the hook way too easily.  You never know, it may only take her three pumps.  She’ll get hers and you’ll be a loser for that.  But you know maybe this works out for a woman.  You can consider it like a test drive.  “Let me see how this guy hits it and then make a decision.”  Afterwards, if you don’t like it, you can say, “Nah, I’m good” and it doesn’t go on your carfax report.  (Look at all the women looking around thinking of how many times they let it get started before they was like, “Nah I don’t want to do this…”  The dude laying there thinking “damn yo… I feel bad, she about to cry.”  She’s thinking, “Actually, I do want to have sex, just not with YOU.”)  That’s the three hitter quitter method right there.

Six Points!
Just Break the Plane!!!

THIS IS MY METHOD RIGHT HERE!  I fully stand by this rule.  If you break the plane then it counts.  For all those girls who let dude, “just put the tip in”that counts!  If you were dry humping around the bed bald head naked and it slid in on the humble … that counts!  If you weren’t sure if that was his finger or his member … that counts!  Basically everything that crosses the outer labia counts.  I don’t care if he just was walking by and stuck his head in the door to see who was in there, that sh*t counts.  This is the best way of counting things and the best way to keep everyone honest.  There’s a chick somewhere this weekend who is going to wake up on a basement floor of those fresh Jersey boys’ house off campus with a condom inside her, last thing she remembers was that it was saying, “Sure I’ll take a shot.”  You need to find a way to make sure that shows up on her Carfax report.  Ladies you know where this will REALLY come in handy… with your boyfriend’s FEMALE BEST FRIEND.   That’s right, if this is the method that you guys use, I bet you his answer might change with his female best friend.  You’ll find out a whole different story than before.  You asked him before, “Did you ever have sex with Tasha?”  And he said, “Hell no, that’s disgusting.”  Ask him, “Did you ever break the plane of Tasha’a vagina?”  And he’ll backpedal like he on a ten-speed, “What do you mean by that?” or the infamous sidestepping question, “Didn’t I already answer that?”  Either way you know his ass is lying.  I ride and die by this method right here.

On a more serious note, here’s the thing, let me keep it real with y’all.  The reason why I believe in the Just Break the Plane method is because that’s basically the point at which you can get a shorty pregnant or catch something from her.  Really all it take is contact nowadays, I even heard a rumor that crabs can jump up to three feet in a Morgan State dorm shower, but the point is, once a dude crosses the plane, both y’all asses at risk for HIV.  And you wouldn’t want to be one of those dumbasses who goes around claiming not to know how you got it when you know you slid in raw dog last year at the World Cup.

A couple people just took a shot at happy hour.  That’s cool say what’s up to my bartender Eddie over at the Park.  He’s heavy handed like ish.  But to end on a lighter note, the point of all this is … drink up, it’s Thursday, you already called out of work because you ain’t trying to go to work on a Friday in this shitty weather.  Or you just don’t believe that you should have to be at work on a Friday anyway.  The more you drink, the better you’ll feel, and although you’ll wake up with a hangover, the sex you had last night DOESN’T COUNT.  


Anonymous said...

Damn right if you break the plane its a notch on the belt! It counts.....u let me hit #TrillTalk

Tunde said...

the microsecond that a any part of a penis enters a vagina then it counts. all these excuses people make. smh

Krystllyght said...

I'm torn betwist the memory method and the break the plane method. If you can't remember the plane was broken.... then it wasn't. Like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it... type thing.

Jouromeo said...

Even when you don't remember, a possible transaction is completed. So, regardless of whether you remember or not...IT COUNTS. Smh.

Krystllyght said...

I feel you Jouromeo but if there is nobody around to remind you then, to you, it didn't happen.