Thursday, August 25, 2011

Morning Mail – 8.25.11

Sheeni Saunders: You got me expelled.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm sorry, Sheeni.
Sheeni Saunders: Do you realize what life is like for me here? Do you have any idea?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I've been alone my whole life. I know what it's like. Sheeni, I burned down Berkeley for you. I destroyed both of my parents' cars. And I've lied and manipulated and had you sedated, and I did all that so we wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
Sheeni Saunders: You're him, aren't you?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm him?
Sheeni Saunders: You're my François. You're the one I've been looking for.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I want what you want. I want to live all over the world and have adventures, but I'm not François. I'm the guy who saw you and fell in love with you and would do anything for you. That's who I am.
(Source: Youth in Revolt)

That has nothing to do with anything today, but I watched it last night and thought that was a very interesting line. Heads up, there will be two posts here today. I have another post lined up, but I’m overdue for some Morning Mail.

So I’ve got a flaw. I get annoyed very easily. You ever have someone tell you that they would rather you bring something up as soon as it happens so it doesn’t build up? People tell me that all the time, but I can’t do anything about that. I get so annoyed all the time, but the thing about me is that I learned a long time ago that just because it’s not how I would do it, don’t make it wrong. Doesn’t mean I don’t get annoyed, it just means I can let it rock because I respectfully disagree. Now if I brought everything up as soon as it happened, people would always think I didn’t like them. My mother says I don’t like people like my dad. She says that for as many friends I have, when I go in the house at night, I disappear and rarely reach out to anyone.

If you noticed on Twitter the other day I was talking to my boy @JMikey and I said that I prefer to go to strip clubs to relax because that’s the only place I can be certain that no one is looking at me. He said that’s common for introverts who everybody think are extrovert. Just because you see me out there, don’t mean that I’m actually extrovert. I realize that I have tons of friends and only a couple actually know who I am. And when one of those people is my mother and the other is my best friend, that makes it hard for anybody to think they really know me.

This causes me problems because once that annoyance boils over, I have to just get away. I throw up the red dot on gchat, I get curt with my coworkers, I stop answering my phone, and I am on the verge of a Randy Moss moment. The Randy Moss moment is when you get so annoyed with a person that you result to squirting a Gatorade bottle at them while they aren’t looking. It’s in my nature to be there for everybody, but often there’s nobody there for me. People always ask me questions, but I rarely ever answer them. They may know the stories I’ve told them, but they never know who I really am. So when everyone is constantly coming to you with their problems and their life, where is the space to vent when your life is crazy. You develop relationships with people and they are so used to telling you about their life, that when you feel you need to share about yours, you just cut the relationship off. No need for that conversation if we never had it before.

I thought back over this and I realized that I’ve actually lost friends because I wouldn’t tell them anything about me. I’ve had women plead with me that I’m so enigmatic that it’s a turnoff. That I put up walls so that no one can ever really know the real me. In my opinion, that’s called being safe, and protecting my intellectual property. I realize that it has its flaws and all, I’m willing to deal with that. Maybe not too much longer, but I just don’t think I want everybody trying to put their two cents in my plate. If I could get a dollar from one or two people then it would be fine, but two cents from twenty is annoying. My mother thinks that it’s the fact that so many people have access to me. I think that’s true. I can’t count how many people feel like they want to talk to me in a day. It’s like popup video on gchat, I never can keep enough windows open on gchat for all the friends I’m talking to. Lately, I’ve been feeling like @slimjackson, “I reserve the right not to respond.”

I wonder if anyone will ever see this movie the way I wrote this scene
The people in your life, characters or writers, do you know what I mean?
I’m tired of this week already, it’s Thursday, but Friday can go see Irene
I seen a lot, but what I wouldn’t trade to look in the mirror and see green
Why does everybody want an explanation, I’m starting to hate them more
Relax and release, I’m just doing my thing, and checking behind every door
I learned a long time ago not to go through those I been before
I’ve been carrying bags in the store so long my back gets sore
I wonder if I’ll ever get some peace, quiet, calm and redemption
Or will I have to opt for voluntarily segregation, call it separation
This is getting too deep, so hold your breath, never asphyxiation
Got to weigh my options, do I want to be the focus of my own celebration
I elect not to answer the hard question, plausible deniability
But my word has to be oak in order to keep my reliability
The hardest advice to take is your own, personal inability
Perhaps I’m crazy, what can I say, no collision, only liability


NiaNeek said...

Good Morning, I totally get you! You're one of my favorite bloggers and I enjoy your writing on all forums. So often I agree with you it's almost weird and when I take an inverse position on any given topic it's usually because of the man v. woman POV... Then I found out you were a libra too. My initial introduction to you through your comments on SBM and I thought,"this dude speaks in language I understand", I think you're talents as a writer are make people think and that's a great thing.

Marvie said...

Well dang. Reading this post made me want to ask you if you were a libra and here it is. I dated this guy who reminds me of you, at least from what you wrote today and he was a libra. Hey, you gotta be you, but like I always wanted to tell him, you gotta let people in sometimes. We are not all bad. That dude is still runnning around trying to figure it out. So smart and witty but just wouldnt let anyone see any deeper.

Ms.DulceDeLeche said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms.DulceDeLeche said...

"The hardest advice to take is your own, personal inability"

This is absolutely true!

I agree with @Nia 100% I think women can easily relate to you. You seem to really understand where we are coming from and because of that some might feel a connection with you and feel comfortable enough to hit you and explore this phenomenon a lil further. I will say is a gift and a curse, because people that read your blogs feels like they know when in reality they dont. But I guess it comes with the job. I think taking your time off is very important and necessary in order to stay sane. Sometimes life is just moving too fast, pulling you in different directions and thats when you have to find a way to slow down and find your happy place.

And as I libra I totally understand what you are going through!

Stay blessed sweets!

Lola said...

There's Jackson... It is because of friends like you that people feel so predisposed to share everything with you because you offer such great support and feed back with an intellectualness that not many possess. When this happens they get offended, because its no longer about them, its about you and theyre so in-tune with only whqts going on in their world that when you need to talk they could care less. You have all the right to throw up that red dot, you should maybe do it more often, those that genuiny care will hit you up on the low personally to make sure youre good and for you to know that theyre there for you too. Love it when you write mushyness ;) lol.

Zeezaleez said...

Love this blog!

Dee said...

Screw the red box...invisible is better

krystllyght said...

I love this mushy stuff too. What happened to the second post you mentioned?

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