How Do You Measure, A Year in the Life

I have been struggling to write a summation post for the year that just passed. I am emphatic about the fact that I am happy to see 2009 go. This year was filled with victories. But this year was about righting the ship. Cleaning out the closet and getting back to being great. Noticing that I had been stagnant and that I wasn’t looking to settle down, I was settling. To sum it all up, in 2008, I was not myself, and in 2009, I had to find myself. Lucky for me, I am not a hard person to find.

At times this year, I was angry and upset about life. Who doesn’t go through times where they question their surroundings and network? At times this year, I was perfectly resigned to just do nothing at all. As I neared the birthday this year I started to think about how short life is and how long it’s been since grade school, and how these cannot be used as excuses anymore.

I spent some time evaluating past situations in my life that I carried around as baggage. I realize that I really ain’t mad at nobody. It took me a while but I think that 2009 taught me one thing about people in this world; it’s not about b*tches, hoes, pimps, players, grimy people, cheaters, liars, etc. The fact is that the world is comprised of good people and bad people. Instead of labeling people all the time we should worry about how to identify a good person from a bad person. And the good people should focus on not associating with bad people. You see bad people are degenerates, they can’t do anything but bring you down. They destroy everything they touch. They may seem like they have good intentions but in the end they always make the same mistakes because it’s in their nature. Good people are truly that. You have people who will set out in life and say, “I want to be honest and not tell lies, this will make me a better person. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to do so.” A good person will stick to that. A bad person will say, “I am going to try and not tell any lies anymore.” Big difference.

Anyway I’m sure that people are looking for words of wisdom. Well, I do have a few;
- There are no third chances in this game called life.
- Do not accept out of the order as the order.
- Trust your gut instinct.
- Sometimes you have to rebuild. The first step is rid yourself of the current team. A lot of us can’t ever move on because we can’t rid ourselves of the current roster.
- Draft your franchise player and build your dynasty around them. You can put together a team of stars, but you’re still going to have people arguing over the ball. Try to build around your franchise player and refuse to settle for anything else and you will see results.

One takeaway from the year? Women this year have had a dismal showing. Your names have been dragged through the mud, but some of you deserved to be there. We’ve allowed our entire environment and world tell women it was okay to stop conforming to social norms and “do them.” Well, just because men don’t get called a hoe for sleeping around doesn’t mean it’s okay for a woman to do the same thing. How about none of us exhibit that type of degenerative behavior? I used to hold the woman’s loyalty and ability to be up there so high, but after this year, I’ll have to say that the stock has fallen a tad. I know that women are better than this though, my expectations were set so high before because I know some phenomenal women, however in 2010, you will have to show it.

My epiphany came to me when I realized that I had come full circle. I feel like I lived Kanye’s last album in my own personal and professional life. I feel like I had to grow up over the last year to be ready to get a year older. I feel like I succeeded. I ended 2008 with Say U Will on heavy rotation in my speakerboxx, trying to convince people around me that they should do what they say and follow through on their word. By mid 2009, I had a dream and a few random people were in it, and I didn’t get it until I was walking home from the metro station and See You In My Nightmares came on my Storm, life had finally come full circle. (For some strange reason, Coldest Winter always skipped for me, the MP3 file I got was bad.)

All this to say, 2009, should have been called, Corrective Maintenance. Next year, I hope to call, Continued Success. I wish you all well in the New Year and hope you all have a safe and Happy New Year’s Eve!

- Doctor J

I Thought I Closed The Door

I’m going to break my silence about high school. This should be as no surprise to any of you but by the time I had went to college I had been in 4 serious relationships at that point. One from 7th grade, who then moved out of the country and then came back and didn’t even tell me she came back which pissed me off. When I finally spoke to her about it she told me that she didn’t know what to say or if I wanted to just pick up where things left off, since it had been about 3 years. Three in high school in no particular order; one cheated, one was just awkwardly selfish and immature and the other was like my best friend but we have since drifted apart. Out of the three the one I really hoped would have materialized into something was the selfish and immature one. But it just didn’t seem to work out as planned. I went away to school and I think that kind of put a damper on anything that was going to come of it.

After my first year of college I came back to DC and I linked up with her to catch up, but she was a little hesitant at first, kept saying she had gained weight. I didn’t really care though, I just wanted to see her. And well, she had gained weight, moreover she had a new boyfriend who was a loser. I always knew she’d end up with a loser if I didn’t keep up with her and it happened. After that interaction I was like you know what I’m good off this. Plus I was in paradise at my college with the amount of women there it took no time forgetting all the women in DC. Then I graduated and I saw her again and again I was in a relationship at the time and she didn’t look better than the girl I was seeing at the time so it made it easier to just ignore her again. I always thought she was really pretty and beyond sexy, but I am always hesitant with dating certain women because of their likelihood of breaking a heart. If you know me you’ll know exactly what I mean, I won’t say it here because it’s not necessary.

Anyway, this morning I got on the train headed to work a few minutes late. It is freezing cold in DC by the way. I’m shivering my ass off and I can’t check my touch phone because you can’t do that with gloves on. So as soon as I get on the train I take out my phone and I start checking messages. As I roll into a station after a few stops I look up and immediately I recognized the girl it was her. You can’t forget certain faces. As soon as I saw her, she saw me and walked towards me. It was a crowded train so she wasn’t able to get to me until the next stop but immediately when I saw her I was like WOW, and by the look on her face her reaction was the same. She looked really good, like not just good, but really good. So we talked about things, caught up on things and asked where each other was going. She only had a few stops, but we were able to discuss how we fell out of contact and why we haven’t linked up in so long, maybe 6 years. Turns out she looked for me on facebook but my profile is 100% private, and I looked for her, but her page is 100% private. So we agreed we’d have to find a higher level. We exchanged business cards and she got off at her stop.

So I’m holding this business card and I’m thinking to myself, what do you do when you’ve closed the door on a particular chapter in your life for good reason. Do you look back and ask what if, or do you just keep moving on? I try and tell myself that everything happens for a reason so if it were meant to be, then it would be. Right?

I’ll be posting in a few days about whether I choose to use the business card or not. Let me first say this before I get hate email if I used this business card it would not be for the purposes of trying to rekindle an old flame it would only be to keep in touch with an old friend.

The Ridiculous Excuses We Give Ourselves for Why We’re Single

People are inherently selfish and the natural reaction to everyone is to lie because we are afraid of the truth. We don’t care about our lies because they aren’t true, they aren’t really us, so you can convince yourself that that reality doesn’t exist. We also don’t like to be hurt, we are terrified of being hurt because we feel that this is a sign of weaknesses. However, I don’t think we were born with the ability to feel pain or hurt, if it wasn’t supposed to happen some times. So some people are single, married, divorced, talking to, messing with, sleeping with, in love, friends with benefits, complicated situations, questioning sexuality, and some people are alone. (Note: Single is not the same as alone.) The reasons don’t ever really add up though. The reasons why people don’t want to be in a relationship always seem shallow, and from having countless people sit on my couch, often times those weak excuses are defense mechanisms to protect the reality that they don’t think that anyone really wants to love them, or they are too selfish to admit they are really into themselves.

President Barack Obama has a love life. The busiest man on the planet, with all the pressure of the world on his shoulders, finds time to take Michelle out every now and then. And a man motivated since his early beginnings to be the President of the United States had time to meet the woman of his dreams, court her, and make her his wife. He went on to have two kids with a woman who was just as busy as he was. I think the excuse that you don’t have time for a love life because you are too busy is ridiculous compared to the Obama family.

If your strategy is to see what you like and therefore you aren’t thinking about getting married, your statement is flawed for a few reasons. First, just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you are ready to get married or want to marry that person. A relationship is an agreement between two people that they agree to exhibit certain rules of engagement and if for any reason they want to discontinue the relationship they let the other know. And also, a lot of people who make this statement are exhibiting signs of selfishness. You feel that since you do not want to be married you have to take yourself off the market. However, isn’t the decision to get married a mutual one?

So there really are only two explanations, you just don’t want to let go of those things that allow you to do whatever you want to do in life. You want to have your fun and not have any ties to anyone. Let me be clear, I’m not talking about just the gents, I’m talking about the ladies too. The other alternative is that you’re afraid of getting hurt, or don’t think anybody really wants you. You force yourself to be a hermit crab. You will have to have much more self esteem than that. You have to stand up for yourself and be seen. The truth is, maybe your dream guy doesn’t want you, but you know what, there is somebody for everyone. And sometimes you have to admit that you would rather be loved by someone who truly and sincerely cares about you, than have all of your boxes checked on your “List of Requirements.”

I hope this helps, if not, please call and leave me a message at, 1-800-Cmon-Son, ext. Dr. J

Learning to Take the Dive

In relationships, learning to take the “dive” is as difficult as learning how to run a 2-3 zone defense. It’s hard to learn, takes a lot of maturity, but once perfected, it’s an unstoppable weapon. The dive is a tactic used by men to avoid arguments or as a desperation heave to win an argument. It’s effective because many women often practice for arguments in an advance and they enter disagreements already well trained in how to win even the weakest supported arguments.

[Jon is watching his favorite television show, enters Anna]
Anna: How come every Wednesday when I get home you are watching Law & Order?
Jon: This is my favorite TV show.
Anna: So Law & Order is more important to you than me? Cool. I think you need to get your priorities in order. [Jon has a confused look on his face] What… What do you have to say? I have been telling you for ever that I don’t think we spend enough time together, and then Law & Order takes precendence.
Jon: [Contemplates telling her that it’s his favorite TV show for one hour a week] Hmm… you know what babe? You’re right. Do you want me to turn it off or would you prefer we watch something together?

Jon has the option of actually explaining to Anna that she is overreacting. That in a week there are 7 days and 24 hours in each one of those days, and that he’s only taking one hour for himself. However, he knows that one of two things are going on right now; 1) She is craving attention by starting a silly argument, just to argue, or 2) This isn’t really about Law & Order, and without knowledge of what it’s really about anything can happen.

In my own life I’ve found that the dive can do you no harm unless you are compromise your values to take a dive. You have to stand up for yourself, but if it’s something petty and not worth you fighting to the end over, just take a dive. You’ll be surprised how she will react to your dive. She may react in strange ways, but the ball is now in your court and you are on the offensive.

She may react awkwardly to you taking a dive. If her intention was to get attention and have a conversation with you, you will not get off the hook that easy. What many men fail to realize is that at times women just want to talk and they resort to extreme measures to do so. She may react by showering you with praise for seeing her point of view for a change and being open to compromise. This is referred to as “the swindle.” If in the small chance you do get found out because you didn’t sell the dive with your hips, you will unlock a can of worms. She will not take a liking to your passive aggressiveness. My suggestion should you be found out? Take another desperation dive, if that doesn’t work, run for the hills.

In conclusion, next time you find yourself in the heading into battle, consider taking a dive. The dive is one of those tools available to men that we haven’t yet lost in the fire. For the women who are reading along, I’m sorry you have to find out this way. You may have thought you won an argument, but a man, though as dumb as you guys make us out to be, can agree to disagree. We will agree with you to the end of the world as long as it causes us to commit no action. If we don’t have to buy it, publicly support it, or move, then sure you can win every argument.

Yours Truly, Dr. J (@DrJayJack)