Monday, November 8, 2010

Trust Issues, We All Have Them

I struggled for years with the fact that I don’t trust women. I just always had some sketchy things going down in my relationships. Could it be that I’m just a little too lenient when it comes to women? Probably. I’m never going to be the type to read your text messages, or ask how you know dude. My advice is, come up with what you think the truth is based on their behavior, and then see if you can live with that. Man, I’ve had it in my mind that a chick had been with 50-11 dudes, came to find out she had really only been with a handful.

Yeah, this is about to be an emo post.

I think the main reason why I don’t believe anyone is because in my younger years, I used to lie to women a lot… about everything. That whole thing about suspecting people to do the things you would do in a similar situation is actually the truth. If your girlfriend said she was going out, Why isn’t she responding to text messages? Doesn’t she keep her phone right next to her? In my past, I was that guy who thought I was being cheated on. Because I know that at one point in my life, when I was with one chick I would just ignore my cell phone. Like straight up ignore it.

I think the other reason why I don’t trust women is because a lot of messed up shit has happened to me since I started dealing with women. First, I lost my virginity to a little freak who has two kids now and works at Footaction in PG Plaza. I didn’t even want to do it, but she said everyone else was doing it and we had to. Later on after I stopped talking to her, she would be having sex with one of my best friends. Then, the next girl I was with had a threesome with some older dude that lives in my neighborhood. I understand that most of these hypersexual activities were the result of people under the age of 16 having sex, but… le sigh. College didn’t help, I was trying to build some shit with who I thought was going to be the girl of my dreams until she wrote me a letter and broke up with me, to be with some dude who ended up playing her. This is when I started to believe that not only was she not to be trusted, but she wasn’t that smart either, and it bothered me that she wasn’t that smart because I was attracted to her.

And let me tell you, it doesn’t get any better from there.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been trying to talk to a girl and shoot the straight one only to find out you’re like her #2 option. The messed up part about it is, your #1 option treats you like a #2, and your #2 option, probably feels the same way about you. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been deaded and the next dude your shorty was talking to was a complete dirtbag. Makes you wonder why she would rather that than you. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been flat out lied to, like right to your face. The messed up part is that often times when you know you’re being lied to, you can’t even tell the person how you know because you did some psycho shit. Raise your hand if you’ve ever decided to give it one more chance and that person let you down, just like all the rest of the ones before did.

My hand has been raised this entire post.

So yeah, I just don’t trust women, because I haven’t interacted with too many women, romantically, that I can trust. I think that people do what’s best for them, when it’s best for them. I think that if someone thinks they can get away with something, they just do whatever they want to do. That’s how life is, I’ve came to grips with it. I’ve tried all the remedies and suggestions and none of that shit ever worked for me. Trust is given, or trust is earned, I think those are both bullshit. My strategy works best, I don’t trust you as far as I can see you. I’ve had several conversations with women up until this point in my life where they ask me if I trust them, and I say, I don’t need to trust you. At the end of the night, if I’m not in bed with you, you could be anywhere in the world, doing whatever. People have told me that they were going to sleep and come to find out they were in their car, so I have been led to believe that more times than not, I shouldn’t have been trusting the person. So I don’t trust them.

I’m working on my shit though. I’m getting better. It’s a work in progress. I force myself to trust now, and hope that it becomes habit later. Can’t say that I can actually feel it working, but I think that I’m not likely to do anything psycho, and I’m not liable to blow up anytime soon.. That’s progress right? Closer today than I was yesterday. (This is actually a motivational quote I learned. Try it out sometime.)


Anonymous said...

Hmm... "I force myself to trust now..." Love the post (honest and refreshing), but I don't know about this statement. There is something to be said for intuition. I think we should rely on all of our senses - that's why we have them. I would honor my senses and work to figure out what triggers my trust issues, but that's me. As a 1st time commentor, I don't want to come in all omnipotent.. lol, but your post touched me and I feel compelled to share a little.

You are right to say we all have trust issues a.k.a. abandonment issues. How they play out in our current/future life is truly dependent on what we understand about our past. Many people attract or are attracted to a type of person that possess a hodge-podge of characteristics from their childhood influencers (parents). Some of those traits good, some bad - but as adults many people find themselves living out similar situations or experiences of their parents. Subconsciously, we work to "rewrite" the parts of our parents lives that impacted us the most. Unfortunately, what usually leaves the biggest impact is the negativity that we experienced as children.

But even then, memories are tricky. As a writer, I like to pull from childhood memories. In doing so I've found that some of my childhood memories were not even possible. I held onto a memory about going deer hunting with my grandfather for years. It wasn't until I wrote down the memory that I realized that the resentment that I carried was misplaced because my memory about what happened was literally impossible. I guess that's why they say perception is reality.

Anywho... I say trust yourself. There's a quote "whatever you resist will persist". If you resist honoring what you feel about a person - you are in essence lying to yourself. You are telling yourself that your feelings are not to be trusted. If you've read anything about the laws of attraction, then you understand why you keep running into liars in your dating circle. It took me a long time to understand that I didn't have to lie to people in order to attract liars... you can generate that energy when you lie to yourself about others.

O.k. marathon comment. Sorry.

Much love! Mel

Scarlett said...

J, I loved this post from you. So many people have trust issues and refuse to acknowledge're a step ahead already...

True2me said...

Are you my ex boyfriend, nah seriously. He has a similar SOB story. His first girl ever cheated on him (in HS) with someone bigger and better and older than he is/was. He has been holding on to that residual anger for years and as a result doesn't trust ANY WOMAN nor does he try to.

I hate spit like this cause we women have it 2 times as rough as men claim to have it but what do yall tell us to do?

"Don't be a bag lady" "Don't make me pay for the things HE did to you in the past" "That was that dude, this is me I'm different" "Don't let them guys make you thinkn all guys are bad"

Then yall men write thousands of Blogs telling us why we don't have a man, what we can do to get and keep a man and why we should'nt be "mean" to yall because that's making us not have no man.

Women are supposed to just "let it go" but men get to be emo about it and get applause for "being honest".

Whatever. I'm SO OVER IT


The Hallway said...

The Hallway says, "Some women are worth trusting, I've been with them. I feel that if you want the paramount reward of LOVE, you must be willing to get hurt or to have love and lost. I've never been a Pu$$y with my heart or my feelings and I wont start to be anytime soon. Im loyal and willing to invest in a woman that is willing to invest in me. I have no problem trusting, I cant waste my time being suspicious, worrying abt what a woman is doing.(Child Please)" Good Post, Dr. J

N.I.A. naturally... said...

Welcome to the club, brotha. You have baggage. So do I. Negative experiences with the opposite sex can lead to all kinds of issues, trust being a big one. And usually the biggest issue for men. I feel you on this post. I deal with men expecting them to disappoint. And they do. That's how it usually works... expect lies and dishonesty, that's what you'll get. Keep the faith, homie. :-)

SaneN85 said...

*nods head* Can I just stamp "Word" on this post?

I gotta tell ya, I'm beginning to be a little to protective of my e-family, I was this (picture me putting my fingers together) close to going in on the comment up above. I took a second and realized where her frustration is coming from, even if it isn't directed at the right person.

Demenna said...

I enjoyed reading this post. Sometimes it is interesting to look at someone and not even know the thoughts in their head. The fact of the matter is that for so many of us who are truthful and have a faithful nature in a romantic or platonic relationship, tend to be take advantage of. I am huge on trust, and when it is broken, my first instinct is to be done with that person/situation. But like you, it is something I am working on because...this is life. People lie, cheat, steal. It s up to us as people to pick and choose who we will r wont deal and with. And also, to not deal with those who are undeserving of our time.