Nothing really ever upsets me about Halloween, because at the end of the day, I’m a shrugger. I shrug just about everything off as, hey not me, I won’t complain. We all know that women get dressed on Halloween like sluts. That’s just a fact. You show me the place where the majority of the women have on costumes with clothes on, and then I’ll believe you. But as long as we have the majority of establishments with women dressed up as flight attendants, school girls, avatars, body paint models, Lara Croft, and the nineteen girls dressed as Nicky Minaj, I’m not buying one piece of your ish. This Halloween was special for me because I figured out a way to counter this movement.
I decided to be Kanye West for Halloween, but no not the Runaway Kanye or the 808s and Heartbreak Kanye, no I decided to be the VMA Kanye. Why?
Now, the thing is you’ll go out on Halloween and women will get offended when you stare at their scandalous outfits. Like if your breasts are hanging out of shirt and halfway down the street, what did you expect me to do? And if your ass is hanging outside of your “shorts” you can’t get mad at a dude for trying to grab you. So why be Kanye? So I could act as INAPPROPRIATE as possible and write it all off as being Kanye from the VMAs, the most inappropriate man to ever walk the earth. So I had FUN for Halloween. The best part, was that people knew exactly who I was before I even opened my mouth. And then there was the girl who told me, that I look like a normal person dressed to go to the club, but the fact that I have on sunglasses indoors and Timberland boots ANNDDD a bottle of Henny makes it so obvious who I am. Anyway…
Here are the highlights of my night:
There was the Black girl who wore a corset so tight that her breasts kept popping out. Now here’s something I’ve never understood about women. When you left your house you knew that ish wasn’t fitting correctly. When you LEFT YOUR HOUSE you knew that if that safety pin didn’t hold up, or that double sided tape, or you didn’t keep pulling down your skirt, shit would go crazy. You knew! But you left anyway. And then what happens? You get drunk and you forget about all of those things. Or just the simple fact that if you’re holding on by a thread that’s no way to start your night. Anyway, her breasts kept popping out, so she figured since everyone had seen them already, she’d just leave them out.
Of course there was one person who realized that their night started too fast and they couldn’t slow down for nothing… like for nothing. You ever show up somewhere like before 10 and somebody is throwing up outside. Real talk, I was driving around DC at like 3PM and this chick was hurling in her front yard!!! Oh I forgot to tell you the Rally for Sanity was this weekend. And my quick thoughts on that, I commend them for doing that, but it just turned into a big party. And everyone was drunk. There’s something weird about seeing a can of beer on the National Mall, noting that there isn’t a bar or beer store for a good mile or so.
Lastly there was the, did you know it was going to be 35 degrees out here outfits? So many Princess Jasmine’s with those see through pants on… I’m looking like, “girl you know you cold.” But there were dudes out there with no shirts on too. I would like to state for the record that it was my idea to be an actually Avatar and go around “touching”. I realized that this was going to go horribly wrong and I decided against it and chose ‘Ye instead. But there’s nothing like looking at some nitwit and saying what your momma told you several times in your youth, “You are going to catch Pneumonia.”
What can I say, I had fun though… I realized that Nightmare on M Street is the only way to go. I had an infamous conversation with Nicky Minaj outside of a popular lounge where they serve overpriced drinks about why Black people do the stupidest things at times. My point, if you’re going in there to find a man, fine go, that might work out for you. But you and your friends want to get wasted, and every drink that I’m going to have tonight costs $2 or $3. In my opinion, that’s a great deal! It makes no sense to pay $7 or $10 for the same exact drink at that lounge. I can go to any of these bars in this 1-mile radius and have that same special. At the end, she and all her friends agreed they were being stupid.