Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So you got that jumpoff pregnant…

Close your eyes and think for a moment about the people you have had relations with on a regular basis. Now ladies, imagine if the wrong one got you pregnant. Gentlemen, imagine if you got that jumpoff pregnant. Most men will smash an occasional jumpoff from time to time. Men, get it through your head that women will have relations with a guy strictly because they want their back blown out in a way you can’t do. Get it through your head. She knows she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with this guy, she just wants the sex. Now see, if she should so happen to get pregnant by dude, the ball is in her court.

If you’re a guy and you get that jumpoff pregnant, “that’s yo ass.”

A jumpoff knows that she has you by the balls. And she’s not letting go without a fight. To be honest, this may be the only time she’s able to get some legitimate attention from a man. This may also be her best shot at ever getting a man to be consistent in her life. If she’s a hood rat she probably told you over AIM, so you’re sitting at your computer pressing, Control + Alternate + Delete. But it’s not working… This is not like your Verizon bill that you can just ignore until they turn your phone off and you have to pay the past due balance. It doesn’t matter you are still pressing, CTRL+ALT+DEL over and over again.

First off, you know you can’t tell any of your homies because they’re already laughing at you. Maybe a few of your boys will pour out a little liquor for you, but best believe there is a conversation going on titled, “He got that b*tch pregnant.” There is nothing like knowing that the entire hood smashed, like 10-15 dudes and you were the lucky one to get her knocked up. Of all the times you wish you hadn’t came, the one you can’t get back is what you’re left with.

Right after it settles in that she is pregnant, there’s two immediate thoughts that come almost concurrently; (1) That baby might not even be yours, and (2) she probably still piping another dude even while pregnant with your alleged baby. I’ll tell you one thing, the feeling that the baby might not even be yours is a touchy one, because you don’t want to pull a Kane from Menace II Society and start barking… You may end up shot. (Pause, was that not the dumbest representation of African American logic in the history of movies? So you mad that old homeboy got your cousin pregnant and denied it, so you kill the father of your cousin’s baby?)

There’s a few models for how you can react; the Rae Carruth, or Tanard Jackson model of dealing with unwanted pregnancies. Now, Rae-Rae got himself into a situation where his side chick decided to keep a child out of wedlock and instead of just dealing with it. He arranged to have her killed. Rae Carruth stands for everything that is dumb with #lightskinnation. Why when you are making millions of dollars, do you not just cut the check, and move on? Instead, you ended up locked up without the millions of dollars, and they found your tall behind in the trunk of a car. It all went tumbling down.

Save us all the trouble, there are plenty of ways of solving and unexpected pregnancy than killing the jumpoff. You will be in jail and your baby will be raised without a father. (By the way, Rae Carruth’s son was born and is ten years old now and suffers from cerebral palsy.)

Now Tanard Jackson another football player like Rae, got a porno star pregnant. And there’s a big difference between getting the chick that the hood went through pregnant and a chick that you know at least 70-80 dudes have been through… and taped it. So basically what Tanard did is admit to getting a jumpoff pregnant, a porn star pregnant, and then said, “I wish it didn’t happen, but I’ll take care of the… KID.” He was clear to direct his donations.

If either of these don’t sound like something you could do, then you should do, what I would do; CALL MAURY POVICH. Look man, there’s several reasons why people take cases to trial. It’s not only because you are not guilty, sometimes it’s because if you go to trial there’s a chance you might beat the case. Those paternity tests are not absolute and blood work can come up missing and you can get off. If you get a negative paternity test, you don’t have to go back in there ever again and take another one. In the eyes of the court, the ones who make you pay child support, that baby ain’t yours.

On a more serious note, although I think that Black men should always take full responsibility of their children, I don’t think you should make rash decisions. This may ruffle a few feathers, but I think it’s a good idea that you divorce the idea that a marriage and a kid go hand-in-hand. I mean, you shouldn’t marry a jumpoff just because you got her pregnant. One of my best cats married a jumpoff because he got her pregnant and she was still at the club every weekend after she dropped the nugget. It is not cool to be getting late night texts that say, “Dog your wife is at the club again, drunk as a skunk. I don’t even want to tell you what she’s doing. I’m pretty sure she just wiped the promoter down in the VIP.” If you not cool with her as a woman, then don’t marry her. You can be a great father without being a husband.

Finding out you got the local pit stop pregnant isn’t any way to spend your day, but it happens all the time. These women are out here getting negros every day with that, “I just had my period” swindle. You may fall victim, I would advise you to strap up, but if you already got her pregnant that’s a mute point. Hopefully, everything works out for you.


max said...

I had a friend once whose live-in boyfriend got a jumpoff pregnant. He put my girl out the house and moved the jumpoff in until she gave birth. Then after the baby was born he put the jumpoff out (kept the child) and moved the girlfriend back in.
That story alternately horrifies and delights me.

redlady821 said...

@ Max...wow...your friend made power moves!

@ Dr. J...I just read this while eating my morning breakfast and I kept laughing while eating. This is some mess right here...I never knew exactly why Ray Caruth was hiding in the trunk of that car. I just knew that his mother was driving around with him back there...she was co-signing his bullshit which is probably why he was in the trunk in the first place!

I just think it's sad when a woman has a baby and the man doesn't want it because that's setting the child up for a messed up parenting situation day one.

Thanks for the New Year's eve morning breakfast chuckle...good write Dr. J.

DJ Tokyo said...

really good piece,I enjoy your writing!

Theone said...

OMG, that is one of my greatest fears... That is why I limit my contact with jumpskeezies...

Fantastic Post