Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Feel Sorry For Women

She didn't even suck her teeth, she took to the ground and gave herself a hug.
I had this conversation with this guy one time and I told him, “Have normal sex, dude.  You don’t want to be like one of these old ass politicians who they find cheating on his wife with some dominatrix, meanwhile this man has an apple in his mouth and a diaper on.  Because he just had to keep pushing the limit.”  But that got me to thinking about some other things.  Like real talk, I feel sorry for women and their sex lives.  Personal story, one time I took my mirror off my wall, and put it on the ground then I got in the pushup position and looked at the mirror.  (That sentence had the potential to go TWSS quick.)  Anyway, I looked into the mirror and I said to myself, “So that’s what you look like.  Damn I’m good looking.”  Almost immediately after that, I started to think of all the women who had to break their man, or a man, off a piece and looked up and really didn’t like what they saw.  Like either he was ugly, or fat, or sweating, any of that shit, I ain’t really trying to get my visual of that, but you get the picture.  It can be rough for a woman in the streets.

As a man though, you’ll never have to worry about doing something that causes you question your morals.  I think one time in my life did I have to question my morals and that was because this chick came over to my house and took out a belt.  As I’m thinking, does she want me to whip her ass with this shit, she said, “Now choke me.”  I had this vision of her dying and me trying to explain how that shit happened and I looked at her and said, “F*ck no.”  And that was about the closest I’ve ever came to losing my morals.  Wait, that same chick asked me to slap her across the face … and after I did it, she said, “Harder, stop being a p*ssy!”  (Side note, remember when BIG said, “So after I shits on the bitch”?)  What it really comes down to is this, in order to please a woman you might have pull something, smack something, call her a few names or stick a thumb in the outhole.  That’s about as far as it goes!  But if you’re a woman, you better prepare yourself for the worst.

Thought for sure the Asian girl would be a freak.
I found out that this is actually myth.
In this world, I don’t make the rules but I will tell you this, there are some sick f*cks out there called men.  I think I told you guys about this before but I’m at happy hour with a friend and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was a little too much into anal play.  Whoa buddy, what?  Yeah, you read that correctly.  I just can’t imagine how that goes down either like, seriously, is she down there giving him a tutorial when he goes, “can you slip your finger in my ass?”  Does he whisper it?  Does he yell it?  And most importantly, when does it he say this?  Does he tell you beforehand or right before he is about to blow a load?  That’s a real key question in all of this.  Forget about him for a second, but imagine that you’re a woman and your man just said this … the first thing on your mind is, “This fool is gay as shit.”  But you can’t say that, you can think it, but you can't say it.  (And don’t get offended because I said “gay.” I didn’t mean that to offend anyone, I meant that as in a man who has sex with other men, inside or outside of a jail.  If you’re in jail and you’re having sex with men, your ass is gay.)  Anyway, that can be really tragic for a woman to deal with, but you know what, she got to take her finger, lick it and stick it in his ass like it was macaroni.  The whole time she’s thinking, “Good job, Jenn you really know how to pick them.”

Still scared of this b*tch.
Talked about this earlier, but just to go back to it, there are men who are into role playing.  My favorite game of role play is “bag the bad bitch.”   And yes, that is probably offensive, but that’s the name of my favorite role playing game, so I can’t call it what I want.  Basically, this is how it go, you let your lady dress up so hot it’s like the summer quit on her she was so hot, she goes out before you, then after getting attention from a few guys, you show up and bag her and take her home.  That’s my role playing game though.  It’s guys out there taking it way too far.  I seen an episode of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, (don’t judge me assholes, that’s a show with great writing), and this one guy demands to be treated like a baby.  Like he put on a diaper, broke out a pacifier and demanded to be treated like a baby.  I’m thinking to myself, now at least this is a prostitute, but there are some pathetic women somewhere in the UK or US whose husband is actually into this shit.  And that’s giving new meaning to the phrase, “my baby.”  You think that’s extreme don’t you?  Yeah, you ain’t heard of nothing yet.  I was watching Californication a few seasons ago and this chick punched Hank in the face as she was about to come.  I told my boy about that and he was like, “Yo.. dead ass try that, it’s a good look.”  I looked at this sick f*ck like, “Get the f*ck out my house.”  But think about that, you’re riding your man and he goes, punch me in the face as hard as you can.  CLOSED FIST.  Once again, the woman is thinking to herself, “You sure do know how to pick them.”

And not for nothing let’s list all the things that women have to do that kind of is messed up:

He done put her fine ass thru so much
she wearing tutus to games. Her kids
gotta ask, "Mommy, where the f*ck you think
you going dressed like that?"
Swallow or spit.  Spitters is for quitters, but the point is, that’s some crazy shit.  You wouldn’t let someone pee in your mouth, but you’ll let a man come in your mouth.  But you know what, the shit is like flowers.  Personally, I don’t care for flowers, but I know that other men have started giving flowers, so I got to do the shit too.  That’s what it’s like for women and swallowing.  I know you probably don’t like it, but it’s the industry standard.

Backdoor Policies.  If you want to get a good laugh, even if you’re not serious about it, jokingly say to your lady, “hey we should try anal.”  You have to sell it though, so wait until it’s a nice romantic evening or something.  When she starts giving you a list of rules, bust out laughing because you know that she done had to come up with some rules because some shit went down the wrong way the last time she let a dude back there.  Kobe!

No call and no come.  Men are some funny individuals, but perhaps the most effed up thing in the world that women have to put up with is when a man gets his and she doesn’t get hers.  How many women are having sex with their husbands tonight and he will bust a nut and she will just have some sex?  That shit don’t make no sense to me.  That’s like people who say, “I don’t care about winning or losing, I just like to play the game.”  Eff. That.  The goal is the nut, it’s actually not only the goal, it’s the instigator, motivation and the reward of sex.  The simple fact that women have gotten used to not coming is just pathetic.  You have to say stupid shit to yourself like, “I just don’t come from sex.”  That’s a freaking lie, I won’t call her out, but a girl told me that one time, I told her to go find a man to f*ck her like a virgin ... she came fo’ times.  But the point is, I feel sorry that so many women lay down for sex and get up with no reward.

You see?  It’s all messed up in the game.  I can’t call it.  I feel sorry for women because they have to put up with that crap.  It’s like you found a man who loves you, and will take care of you, won’t cheat on you all that much, comes home with his paycheck and whatnot and then what happens?  He goes, “baby have you ever tried a strap-on?”  Now you shaking your head at your man like, “Great job Jenn, you sure do know how to pick them.”  Shiiiit, and people say you shouldn’t talk about sex on the first date; read this article a few more times today and I bet you’ll have a bunch of questions to ask the next time you go out with a guy.


Sarah D. said...

Okay so you got me LMAO at work.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

This is all very true.
If I say anymore than that I'd be revealing too much, but I have experienced many situations in which I was definitely thinking to myself: "you sure know how to pick them"..followed by nervous laughter.
It's hard out here.

Tunde said...

yeah its hard out here for women. that's why women do dumb ish for good d*ck. can't really say i feel sorry for y'all though. i don't really add to y'all troubles. lol

Mrs Star Status said...

This is lolololol and sad at the same time.

Nicole said...

Wow. Good read. I'm so glad someone can sympathize for us. We go through all that ish and in the end don't even get a nut. It just isn't fair.

redlady821 said...

"you sure know how to pick them" hilarious, I've actually said that to myself a few times through the years.

Great write!

PurpleJeli said...

I've been in one of those situations before and thought, "what the hell dude...." right before I did it. Of course I looked at him differently after that but right before we broke up he tried to go on me like I was the problem. WTF??? I was all confused and didn't know if I was dealing with a REAL man and I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM??? Since then I've developed "tests" to determine what kinda guys I deal with, but it's a damn shame I even have to do that!