I’m Pretty Sure She F*cked Me

I bet he's going to tell his boys that he beat it up.

Most men like to think they were the ones to lay the pipe on the chick, sorry to report, but that’s just not always the case. I can still remember sitting in my living room, my roommate entering the apartment and asking me why I was sitting there in gym shorts, staring at the wall, without the TV on. I couldn’t give him a response, but I just got up and took what would end up being one of the longest showers of my life. I scrubbed myself of the impurities that I had just encountered a few hours before. If I leave you with one thing today, be careful about asking women to take initiative, take it from me, you may unleash a beast of which cannot be tamed. Now if that’s your thing then cool, I’ll be honest with you, I’ve met women who are into being slapped around as they try and get away before you finally take them over, tie them up and give it to them hard. Personally, and I have a twinkle in my eye so call this the bitch in me, I’m not into play-rape games. Although I do sometimes want to freelance as a TSA airport security agent, gate rape is no joke. But I digress.

So how do you know if you just got f*cked, I can break this down like this;

He's the one who said he was a gigolo.

You’re a jumpoff and you just don’t know it.

One day my boy was telling me how everybody got a win last night. I wasn’t invited so my response was, “F*ck you, can’t call nobody.” He said it all happened kind of a sudden, some chick called him up and was like, “some of my homegirls are in town tonight and we trying to have fun, what’s good?” After they exchanged ideas about the night she was like, “You got some friends?” And that all led to a bunch of debauchery in his living room with him and these girls, again I wasn’t invited. I busted out laughing so hard it was almost insulting. I told him, “Do you realize that you are a jumpoff? They called you on the same bullshit we call these hoes on. ‘Yo, what’s good I got some boys in town we about to go out, you got some friends?’”

She tells you when y’all are going to meet up.

I humbly ask that you not admit me into “you are a bitch” status for what I’m about to tell you, but I think most of us have tried to make plans with a girl that we REALLY wanted to hang out with and she said, “Cool well I’ll let you know.” We took that ish and ran with it to mean, “Yes, I’d like to hang out with you and I’ll let you know when I’m free tonight.” We sat in our houses twiddling our thumbs until it got late and we send a text and she replies, “I’m sorry, I fell asleep.” Well, a lot of men done been put in this situation before and some of them even stay in that situation. They never get to dictate the pace, they always are at her beck and call. You know what, she’s f*cking you. She’s coming through when she wants to get what she wants whenever she wants it.

I guess I should talk about some more light hearted material…

If this ain't the jackpot, I don't know what is.

Jackpot Sex.

You ever been headed to the crib or to a hotel room with a chick that’s way out of your league. Like on any normal night that you go out, this girl would never in a million years choose you, but tonight! Tonight! She chose you and you’re not wasting anytime rushing into the end zone. Let me tell you something buddy, you are not Jon Blaze. Happens to men all the time, you get a little tipsy and then that 5 starts looking like a 10, and you just want to get a nut, so you went with it. That’s basically what happened to you on that night, you just happened to be in the right place and the right time. Yes, you got used.

Jay-Z ain't going to like this, but Terrence is #3.

Dirty Dancers.

You ever been in the middle of something with a chick and then she does something a little outside of your comfort zone, but you just go with it anyway. This can happen in many forms, sometimes a girl might pinch your nipples, but it’s not like sexual it’s more like she’s turning an old school television channel. You’re writhing in pain, but you look up at her and it kind of turns you on. This is almost like when a chick kisses you on the dance floor. You don’t really want everyone up in your business, and post-25, it’s really not the move to be tongue kissing in the club, but you know, shit happens. This chick is the one who breaks the rules and dares you to call shenanigans. She knows you won’t.

Maneaters.

This is the sigh of all sighs. Men have this ability to ignore all the signs of what a woman tells them. A woman can tell you on the third date, “If we have sex tonight, then I’m probably going to lose interest shortly thereafter.” Do men listen to this? Hell f*cking no. We go for it anyway, in our minds, “No sir! Not me! I’m double platinum just like my Ferrari!” After you do the deed and try to hit her up a few days later, she won’t return your texts … you go the EXTRA mile and actually call, but get voicemail. A few weeks later you see her out in the club and she’s with another dude. It’s at this point that you realize that this girl, “hit it and quit it.” This is why I always tell dudes to drink red bull before they have sex, you never know, a chick might break you off and cut you off.



Jesus...


She-Wolf.

Shakira and Adina Howard have taught us that you might bump into a woman who just wants it all the time, over and over again. Let me be honest with you, every now and then a man can go forever and ever, but I’ll be damned, some women have the sex drive of a rabbit. They have you pulling on your shorts like you have just played five back-to-back pickup basketball games, but your manhood won’t let you just own up to it and tap out. She’s the type who tackles you upon entering the house. She comes over your house to watch a “movie.” If you’re a real G, you just wacked off in the bathroom before she got there so you don’t have one in the chamber, but she showed up in a trenchcoat ready to WORK. She’s the type that you wake up in the middle of the night and she’s laying on top of you asshole naked. She’s the type to make you crash your car on I-95 because she goes after your junk for a rolling O while you’re driving. (It gets real funny when she rips open your jeans because they are button fly.) I joke about this all the time, but if there’s anything more powerful that hard d*ck, it’s wet p*ssy, ain’t no telling what can happen.

This has nothing to do with this, but it's a damn good picture.

Quick story and then I’ll leave you alone. Vegas is some shit. Some of the stuff that goes down in Vegas shouldn’t be discussed but I’ll tell you a quick story. So after a long night of partying, which began at the pool at about 10AM. Me and my boys we drank all day, there’s only but so much drinking one can do. We got the bright idea to go to Tao, but that wasn’t enough either, so we grab a limo and go to Spearmint Rhino, it’s about 6AM in the morning as we walk through the casino floor of our hotel we see some chicks taking shots at the bar. I’m thinking, “bitch it’s breakfast time,” but there is no time in Vegas. We went to the bar and tried to have some shots, but in the continuation of embarrassing moments, I was so throwed that my body rejected a shot of Patron and I just spit it out all over the place. These girls were bad, and when I say bad, I had this theory in my head that they had to be strippers or hookers, but they weren’t. In a drunken stupor, (as I plead the fifth and create a fictional part of the story to remove myself from it), I wander over to a slot machine (not a female) and I pass out. I wake up the next morning and I go back to our room. The place looks an absolute mess. One of my boys is sitting on the toilet, top down, with his pants around his ankles and his chin on his chest. And in what I never want to remember again, my boy is laying on the bed Amber Rose naked. There are no chicks in this room at this point. I wake up everyone and ask them to put some clothes on. “What happened last night?” I asked. And they told me a story that shall stay amongst us fellas, but it was one of legendary proportion. My response, “Damn we got to get up with those chicks again today, pool party or something, they were tough.” Suddenly, a sigh falls over the room and a voice says,

“One problem … we don’t know their names, we don’t have their number or any idea where they are actually staying.”

I’m pretty sure those chicks f*cked them.