Somewhere in the Get Over Series over at the First Baptist Church of SingleBlackMale.net, i've neglected to really point out some things that are unilateral across gender. Today, I was talking to my neighbor about this on my way to work. We were discussing two females, neither one of them can find men. Now the thing is, one of these women is crazy, so she has an excuse. The other one, well she has no excuse. I can look at several of my guy friends and I can say, well he's just a herb, so he has an excuse. And others, they have no excuses. It all comes down to this, "we all have lists for Mr. Right or Ms. Right, but have we considered that Mr./Ms. Right has a list too. And we probably don't qualify." - My Neighbor
I agree wholeheartedly. I haven't had time to be the Doc, so let me offer some advice. This is for both of you, men and women. Here's why this situation happens:
1) People don't see the room for improvement - They sit around and think they are just fine the way God made them. And we live in an ungodly world and some of that ungodliness has rubbed off on all of us. there is room for improvement and if you are not trying to better yourself, then you are missing the point.
2) People are vindictive - This is a human flaw. We are mad about something in the past and we are determined to exact our revenge. Or we are determined to not let that go. Here's what ends up happening, you take that anger out on the wrong person for your own personal satisfaction. And it might not be craziness, but it may be an emotional slight that you give your new partner. You do not want your partner to know how much you care for them because the last time you did that, they flipped out and things went downhill from there.
3) People have unrealistic standards - "How you got high expectations and low patience." - Common. Could not have said it better myself. I've always been a fan of really evaluating what is unrealistic and what is settling. When I tell a coachee that I think they have unrealistic expectations, i'm not advising that they settle, i'm saying, why are you wasting time on an option that's more than likely never going to give you what you want? Realize your reality. (Damn, i'm saving that, "Realize your reality." That's some good ish.) It will take you far in every facet of your life, including your love life.
Lastly, the thing about these three points are that it affects your vision. Most people who suffer from any of these flaws, can't even see that there is a problem. A lot of say, I know I can better myself. But that doesn't mean they think they need to do so. Or that they are dedicated to doing so. No one wants to be alone. They may not want to be in a relationship, may not want to be married, but no one wants to be regulated to only random hookups or sleeping alone to the point that they grow cobwebs. (Let me tell you a secret, sex is NOT like riding a bike, it's like a sport. If you get away from it for too long, it takes time to get back to your all-star status.)
I do want to make sure that I do not neglect to really corral the point here. The point is that you need to see that the person in the mirror is at least 50% of the problem, and if you find a guy who you think is perfect for you and he doesn't want you, then that person in the mirror is probably 100% of the problem.