Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Bad News Dudes

Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you still love?
Alice: Nope
(Source: Closer)

There are those people who have control over our lives in ways that we shouldn’t let them, but because our feelings get involved, we are rendered helpless. There are so many out there among us who have dealt with someone in their past that they know or knew they shouldn’t have. When a woman completely mistreats a man in this way it’s sort of like the Wizard of Oz, the wicked witch of the west is always outdone by the other witch. Basically, whenever a man is under the sedation of an evil woman all it takes is a good woman and he is cured from her spell. It doesn’t work this way for women. Whenever they are under the sedation of dope d*ck, there’s only one sure thing; this will not end well, you will not enjoy the ending of this movie, it will probably end worse than Season 1 of Mob Wives. What the hell happened next? But moreover, what the hell just happened?

These are the Bad News Dudes. I don’t have to go much further before every woman thinks of her Bad News Dude. He’s that guy who she knows is absolutely no good for her, but she just keeps holding out hope. She’ll go to the end of the world for him, but he won’t even walk her to her car at 5 in the morning. The ironic thing is, most women have it completely figured out, the Bad News Dude is as predictable as rain in Southern California, you just know that some shit just won’t ever happen, but it doesn’t stop you from checking the weather report every now and then.

The BND specializes in two things very well; disappearing and reappearing. Your BND will always disappear right after he gets what he wants. Your BND will always reappear when he wants something. He calls you on a random day of the week and asks if you have dinner plans … that night. He expects you to drop everything you’re doing, move around your schedule and proceed to meet him. You tell yourself, “hell no, I’m tired of his bullshit.” This is how the BND gets you, he knows that you are only trying to put up this front because you are disappointed in yourself for the control he has over you, but you actually want to go. He plays on this like Seth in the Boiler Room; he knows you’re interested and the longer you stay on the phone, the better his chances are for a sale. Of course you’ll go on this date, have one too many drinks, get a little tipsy, complain about the way things have went, he’ll Jedi mind trick you into somehow misunderstanding his actions, this leads to his place, and a whole lot of something. The next morning you guys promise to do it again soon, but you don’t hear from him again for weeks or months, or sometimes a year.

But he’s also good at reappearing; you’ll be convinced that sometimes your BND has your phone tapped. How is it that as soon as you got something going good in your life, he pops up to throw a wrench in it? He never called you on consecutive days, but as soon as you’re talking to someone new; he wants to keep in contact more. He’ll make you think that it’s worth seeing if he’s turning over a new leaf. He’s not. Here’s what he’s doing, he’s responding to you losing interest by fighting to keep your interest. He knows that once you have too good of a reason not to see him, it signals the end of a good situation. The key to his spell is to always make you think one of two things; either you’re desperate and he’s the man you want, or the man you have is not as good as him, the man you want.

What this goes to show you is that the BND is completely inconsiderate of you. He doesn’t care about your well being or happiness. He won’t leave you alone when you find someone to love and appreciate you the way that you want. He knows that you want marriage and a family, he doesn’t want to give you this. When some simp comes along who’s willing to give you this, even though you just spent the last few years of your life letting the BND plow your back out with no responsibilities or expectations, the nice thing would be for him to just let you go. Wrong…. Wrong… WRONG, not him, he’s a habitual line stepper. He doesn’t have it in him to think about you, he’s thinking about himself. You are an indentured servant to the BND and you will be paid in yards. However, you are not free to go until he says so. He calls you up at 4PM on a Wednesday and wants to make happy hour plans, that’s inconsiderate. He doesn’t return your phone calls after you’ve texted, emailed and even called. You’re just trying to do something for him, you don’t even want anything, but he won’t pick up. You left his house at 4AM, still a little tipsy from the night before, he didn’t even call to see if you made it home safe.

Deep down on the inside you know that BND doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t give one f*ck about you, he cares about himself. He doesn’t want the same things that you want in the situation. And don’t get me wrong, BND is not always strictly a f*ck buddy, although most times he is. There are other ways he manifests himself in your life. You may be the person that he talks to all the time about his problems, he may be the person who he can, “always rely on to get something done right.” He can be a lot of things other than sex, but it just seems like you’re way more invested than he is because you have goals, but BND’s motto is and always will be, “And on today, not a single f*ck was given.”

I get asked all the time, “Why would a girl for a guy like that?” I know exactly why. Have you ever tried to argue with a woman? They have two moves; the last word or the decision to not have the last word. Either way, you’ll know that she had the last hurrah. Women do not like to lose, and they’ll go to the ends of the world to save failure. The BND is a failure, it’s never going to work, he’s never going to come back around, he’ll probably marry that other girl who wouldn’t put up with his shit like you did. In his mind, you’re weak and not fit to be a mother of his children if you have no backbone. He plays on this with perfection and grace. I told a friend yesterday, the best move a BND can pull is the premature break. Once he notices that you are catching feelings, he breaks it off before you can. If he lets you break it off, you’ll have too much logic involved … a chance to think about it. If he breaks it off, you’ll be caught on your heels, and your inability to lose will kick in. You won’t want to leave without demanding a reason (that makes sense to you), or you’ll come up with a plan to somehow save failure. What type of plan is that? You’ll say, “I’ll just get him back, and then once I have him back, I’ll be the one to break it off, that’ll show him.”

Yeah, but BNDs with that quan have already planned for you to do this. They know that the premature break only promises them your servitude for the next seven years of your life. Once you are tasked with trying to come out the victor of this situation, you’re likely to propel yourself into the Twilight Zone. That means, you’ll do just about ANYTHING to win. This is when you start to do the nonsensical things that you won’t want to tell anyone about ever in life. (Not that you should, but they will be quite embarrassing years later when you look back.) You’ll lie to your friends about where you are because you are hanging out with the BND. You’ll go above and beyond to see him by asking him questions like; “Well what are you doing for brunch? Maybe dinner? Maybe happy hour? Maybe after you go out? … Oh well just give me a call when you are free and we’ll get up, I’m free all day.” ***BLANK STARE*** In what will go against everything you believe in you’ll start taking him out because you know that every man loves a woman who “buys him shit.” It’s nothing wrong with getting a man a gift every now and then, or paying your own way. But if that’s not your man, keep that shit in check. You can’t go on a shopping spree at Ralph Lauren and tell him, “oh I thought you’d look nice in these so I got them.” Ask yourself why you are putting $400 into clothes for this man so he’ll walk out your life. (Side note, remember when your grandparents told you to never buy someone you were dating, shoes? Some country folk know what I’m talking about.)

So how does it end? Well it always ends the same way. A text message on your birthday to him, “Please do not contact me anymore, I am not taking this relationship with me into age 28.” Or you log onto Facebook one day and it says, “Dayrian is now engaged.” It could even be that he finally disappears into the sunset and never reappears. It could end with you finally going bat shit and slashing his tires, showing up at his job, or crying in a crowded nightclub. But it will not end nicely. There will be no quiet evening at dinner where he explains to you that it’s better that you guys part ways and try and remain friends. The problem with all of this is you knew it would end this way. You knew from the first time you side-eyed him and thought to yourself, “You are trouble” that you wouldn’t be walking away from this situation with your pride. You knew that it was the Moon or bust with the BND, and your dumass ain’t know how to build a spaceship. So now you got two choices; jump out the car now and save yourself, or drive to your nearest NASA summer program.

10 comments:

Marvie said...

Well well. This post was so darn on point. It's like when you go to church and you are so sure the minister is talking about YOU. This explains so much. I happen to have had one of these and sure enough,as soon as I got into a relationship he wanted to say that he is now all the things that he never could be. WTF is that? It feels so good to tell the guy to F$CK OFF! Thanks for this. LOL he's so funny.

Sarah Desamours said...

interesting.....

Adonis said...

Good Post...

Essentially in a twisted way, when women get with BNDs... That is pretty much their female prize, like a marriage so to speak...

Under chasing a man, their is so many different conclusions to the story...

It could end in marriage, heartbreak, tragedy... But ultimately women are getting what they want... STRONG FEELINGS for a man...

I just don't want to date this women after she has been pumped & dumped like that...

And the men who entertain these women... Get soft over time (most do) lose their Quan so to speak...

So it gives the women a chance to relinquish his hold over her...

But I just want people to realize that women love this type of drama playing out in lives... Otherwise most would avoid...

Mika's Thought's... said...

Every woman needs a BND and hopefully it allows them to learn and realize their self worth...its essential. Men will keep making their way back into our lives, but it feels so good when you get to a point where you have decided that you will no longer put up with their b.s. Happy hour invitations; declined. Birthday dinners; declined. Texts & emails; no reply... its quite liberating.

Dr. J said...

Damn Mika!!!!

I meant to bring up the birthday dinner/party; not attended example. That's a classic one right there. I'm not sure what's worst, watching him wiggle out of it, or the straight up no-show.

Anonymous said...

Im still wondering....how does a woman get out of this situation? Is there way out?

Kriola said...

I needed to read this, thank you Dr. J :)

Anonymous said...

Please Dr.J, how about a follow-up post for how women get out of this situation, and perhaps make the man realize what he missed out on

Dr. J said...

I'm going to do a follow up post to this very soon. I've got some stuff on deck, but stay tuned.

Anonymous said...

Wow 4 yrs ago, I kicked a similar guy like that to the curb. It is always the ones that you least expect..in the end I felt sorry for him. His life is a symbol of underachievement. Most men like this are and the women who think they win, always regret..