Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Morning Mail - 1.26.11

Hal: See, the problem is I'm kinda picky
Tony Robbins: What do you mean, picky?
Hal: Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
Tony Robbins: You're looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grill. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.
(Source: Shallow Hall)

I can’t lie, this movie has a good premise, but it won’t work for me. I’m just not big enough to date a really big woman. The funny thing about this movie is that Gwyneth Paltrow makes this movie. The fact that she’s so hot, makes this movie so entertaining. It turns down really slowly once the spell is broken. But I still like the premise of the movie. My takeaway? Work harder to find hot women with great personalities, they do exist.

I remember one time my neighbor told me, “Keep it real, you date pretty women. Not just pretty, but extremely pretty women. I think you like for people to say, “You’re girl is hot.” Give it up, it’s true.”


There are certain movies that I want my son to see. One of them has got to be Wild Things. It just goes to show you that an ugly chick can also be a freak, but don’t pick on her too long or she’ll end up shooting you with a bow and arrow.

Best Lesbian Scene Ever in a movie. The best lesbian scenes come from when the women aren’t really lesbians, but they are bicurious. It gives it more of an edge. In my opinion, Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in Wild Things is only surpassed by Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Close third would be Ellen and Sharon Stone.

The L Word changed lives man. Showtime.

How do you feel about a man who dresses his woman? I don’t know. I’ve always thought like, I don’t know if you want your girl to be super sexy. Like I know that 95% of most video vixens is just they put themselves together the right way. You can find those bodies and those looks on a few women out here on the struggle. But would you want to teach your woman how to be Rosa Acosta? Nah, because then you know some other man might try and f*ck her. That’s not cool, b. But onto a more realistic level, there are women that you see everyday on your commute to work and you say, “Damn she’s sexy.” But do you want to go home and suggest that your girl wear those types of clothes? What I like to do is to just stand on K Street and Connecticut Ave. in DC. I’m a grown man and I have a job. So I’m not looking for the way chicks look in those emails promoting events that occur from 10PM – 3AM. These women right here in front of me, in the most affluent district in Washington, DC. These are the women I find sexy. If you stand there for long enough, you can learn everything you need to know about how to be sexy.

As a follow up to my New Year’s Resolution to brush my hair everyday and wear hard soled shoes Monday – Thursday, I have broken it only once and that was on the day it was too much snow outside to be playing around. However, I’ve kept up with it. I keep my hair cut so the brushing is easy, and I am dedicated to busting my ass at least once a week to wear hard soled shoes. This morning was no exception. Now I understand why women take such short strides in heels. I slide about 6 feet on the sidewalk before I stopped.

I did it like a G though, some women saw me, so I just yelled out, “FLOCKA!” That’s like African American for “Arriba la Raza.”

Special shoutout to my favorite subtweeter. “Coldstone...”

There’s not really much to say about the State of the Union. Last night, some people might have thought that my tweets were ignorant like I was trying to make a joke or something when this is serious and we should pay attention.

That’s exactly how I feel when the President is making jokes during his State of Union address. There ain’t shit funny about what’s going on in America right now. If the unemployment rate is 9.4% in America, that means in Black America it’s damn there 20%. And if 30% of Americans do not complete high school, then you know that number is damn there 50% for Black America. So again, what’s so funny?

With all that said, Monday is the 31st, so I get paid on Friday.

Life is good. God is good.

PS - Arriba la raza basically means above the race. Now scroll up and read that part again, lol.


Demenna said...

This post was pretty funny. I like the scatter-brained aspect of it. Question for you though--

What did the woman say and/or do when you yelled out Flocka?? Lol I feel like maybe that would have startled her. Anyway, I really like the blog. keep it up!


Dr. J said...

@Demenna - They busted out laughing because I was going down but I managed to come out unscathed.

Tiffany said...

Now this was funny "I did it like a G though, some women saw me, so I just yelled out, “FLOCKA!” That’s like African American for “Arriba la Raza.”"
Good one!

Mrs.Brightside said...

i enjoyed reading as usual. Best lesbian scenes; i thought i was the only one on Wild Things.

i refuse to wear heels to work knowing there is ice outside. Most of my work shoes stay at my desk so i can change when i get to work. (So don't judge me if you see me on the street.) FLOCKA was a good catch( is it the new F-bomb?)

The jokes were simple attention getters. If he would have just said it no pun intended would anyone have remember the salmon?

Tunde said...

shallow hal is my ish. just watched it the other week when it came on hbo.

"My takeaway? Work harder to find hot women with great personalities, they do exist."

i agree with this assessment.

N.I.A. naturally... said...

I love Shallow Hal. And I agree, its great in theory.

I get what you're saying about the jokes. But the one about the salmon made a great point. Question is, did anyone get it or did they just laugh?

Dee said...

FLOCKA!! I just died laughing at this lol