My Childhood Heroes F*cked Me Up

It all started with a conversation with my dad about He-Man, Superman and Batman. My dad never had the conversation about the birds and the bees or not being gay with me. I told him at like age 6, that He-Man was suspect, Batman was cool and Superman was gay. I ain’t say gay then because at age 6, the F word was pretty much okay. But my dad was laughed and said, “You alright with me, man.” But on the real, He-Man was mad suspect, I admired the dude, but why would you call your chick, She-Man? That kind of threw me off and I was like, “I don’t know about that, but…” Then Superman, smh, Superman was a homosexual and I’m sorry but I just don’t buy it. I’m a man who aspires to be married one day, I really do. But if I was Superman, you couldn’t pay me to be married. You mean I can fly, see through shit, HEAT up shit, I’m faster than a speeding bullet and stronger than a locomotive and I’m not f*cking MAD B*TCHES. Made no sense to me at like age 6. I was thinking why Superman ain’t got mad hoes? Put it to you like this, do you know how crazy women go over a speeding bullet? And she wondering why she always wet when I come around… But Batman, I ain’t like how he was a standup guy, but he had it made. Bruce Wayne always had a chick on his arm. And Bruce mastered something that a lot of real men on the struggle wish they could master. He found out how to mess with grimy ass hoes and come out unscathed. Like he beat Catwoman AND Poison Ivy. Most times when a dude on the struggle mess with a grimy chick he end up with a kid, or herp.

Then it was Michael. Man, I defended Michael forever. That was until he tried to marry Elizabeth Taylor. And because I remember every interview Michael Jackson ever had I remember when he said he looked at her like a mother. People be wondering why that white lady was trying to get away from Michael so fast. It was because he was trying to f*ck her kids. And I knew something was up with Michael because Lisa Pressley ain’t want to mess with him no more and she was more screwed up in the head than people who thought Elvis was still alive. I still liked his music, but on the low, I thought something wasn’t right with his interview with that dude off 20/20. I love my father, but if he got in the bed with me, I’d punch him in the face.

Motherf*cking Zack Morris. At first, he was the coolest man on the planet. But then when Saved By the Bell: The College years came out, I started wondering stuff. I had LA Gears like this guy, I had the gray stonewash jeans like this guy, even had a fake cell phone like this guy, I was Zack Morris. When I was at home rehearsing lines to say to chicks, I was Zack Morris. I knew none of the Will Smith lines would work because I wasn’t tall or light skin and Will wouldn’t have gotten away with half that sh*t if he was short and dark skin like Carlton. So I did the next best thing, I acted like a cool ass white boy. Because cool ass white boys get mad ass. Don’t believe me, I got two words for you, Bradley Cooper. You think Idris will shut the club down, let this guy come in the club. But Zack lost my respect in the college years. You went through 4 years of HS, which they stretched out to like 8 years, and then you went in college with this broad and you was still chasing after Kelly. Tell Kelly to go fuck herself, that’s from the heart. Mind you, Kelly let cats beat on 90210 in the first two episodes. Zack like that dude who think his girl a saint, but everybody know her as a hoe. Remember that guy who came to visit the jumpoff at college? Her boyfriend from high school? Dude was gassed to be getting some ass. Except he ain’t know everybody else had gotten some too. He was like the dude who thought he was gonna be the only dude with the Team Jordans that day at school..

Magic Johnson. Actually, I’m no even going to touch on this topic, all I’m going to say is. The end of our relationship can be explained by the following phrase, “N*gga what? I mean, I hope that work out for you, but AC Green is clearly gay now.”

This is random but did anyone find it funny that Monica Lewinski was selling bags after that whole fiasco with the President? I knew then that the President had teabagged her and she try and play it off like she was gonna make a career out of it.

And last but not least Martin Lawrence. Everybody in DC wanted to be Martin when they grew up. And everybody used to sneak and watch Martin because their mother, (if they had any common sense), wouldn’t let them watch Fox at 8PM on Thursdays. Even though it was okay to watch Living Single at 8:30. Which is really fucked up because that’s how they tear Black men down. You can’t watch Martin, but you can watch these tired ass single Black women complain about men all the time. Anyway, Martin had a good thing going and he blew it. I hope that Dave Chappelle sends Martin a Christmas card every year for f*cking up. Because real talk, Martin would have been the best comedian of all time if he hadn’t blew it. I’m telling you right now, you have never seen a first comedy special as good as You So Crazy. Yes, because you mofos have not realized that You So Crazy is in fact funnier than Delirious. Not only that but Tisha Campbell was the baddest chick on television with talent at the time. Yeah it might have been a couple women out there doing their thing, Heather Hunter kept the attention of a lot of men my age at the time because she was uber-talented, but Tisha was the best. Not only was she a Gamma Ray, she also always supported the House Party. Why would Martin go and stick his tongue down her throat? I don’t know. That’s when I figured out Thanksgiving dinner. I never knew what it was about Thanksgiving dinner, seemed like it was always real cool, there was some football, and then we prayed as a family, and then we ate a lot of food, but somewhere after the Spades game started and before we had to brush our teeth everyone had this feeling that today was going to in fact be the day that my Uncle got punched in the nose for talking slick to my Aunt. That’s when I figured it out … it was Hennessy. Martin said he was drunk and started showing up to work that way. Henny makes Black men act very strange. When Gina disapperared off the show and it went off the air, I cried. That was it, no more fodder for the schoolyard, I had to do it on my own. Acting like Martin made you seem like you were an ass. And being an ass didn’t become cool until after all the freshmen girls realized that nice guys were wack and assholes were the ones they should sleep with… A LOT. So yeah, Martin if you’re reading, I’m mad at you, you left me at the one time I needed you most … high school.

I got to shoutout two dudes who held me down throughout life. First dude, taught me the most important lesson I ever learned and that was Jimi Hendrix. He taught me that you should always be yourself, beat to your own drum, don’t make excuses for being different, show them that you can do what they do ten times better than them even with the wrong hand, getting high ain’t that bad it’ll only kill you, and if they don’t like who the f*ck you are, burn that bitch down. The other dude was Prince, taught me to always show up drunk and as long as you f*cking bad b*tches don’t worry that everyone thinks you’re gay. The party is so much better.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6rY-UWLEgk

And I’m out this bitch.