Monday, February 23, 2009

Didn't make the team? There's always next season, champ.

A man should have enough respect to at least dismiss the players in the game who aren’t going to make the team. Right now, most men are in spring training. Testing out options to see who is going to make this year’s team. Well, after a few weeks, you have a good idea of who’s not going to make the team. I’m here today to say real men dismiss the players who won’t make the team.

There are several signs that a player won’t make the team, I try and hope every guy agrees with them.

We are on completely different pages… I may be thinking to myself that I’d be down to see you again. You’re thinking to yourself, I wonder if he’s my boyfriend now. I may text you to ask how you are doing. You may decide to not reply to my text messages because you are upset that I treat you like a jumpoff and a real man should call. You’d like to spend a night with a bottle of wine, a blanket and a romantic comedy. Hell no, a bottle of Vodka, no blanket, loud blaring music, and a comedy DVD on in the background.

You’re moving too fast… I’m sorry I’m just not one of those guys who can be dating a girl for two weeks and then make her my girlfriend. My average relationship gestation period is about six months. If it were to happen faster than that, well I’d be convinced you were my soul mate. It’s not even you, it’s me. It’s takes a long time for me to want to give up single life. It’s my problem, and I don’t ask that you help solve it.

We’re fundamentally different people, in a not so complimentary way… This is really a hard one to talk about. Honestly, some times people are just not compatible. You can try and try all you want, but at a certain point you have to realize when to cut bait. I like to go out on the weekends, I hate the Monday-Friday routine, and so Friday at 5PM, I’m all about happy hour and going out that night. I’m not saying that I need to be in the club, it could very well be a quiet evening at a restaurant having drinks and dinner. However, if you are a 100% homebody, it just won’t work. I like people and have a large group of friends with whom I like to spend a lot of time around. If you are not a people person, and do not like just staying home all the time while I’m out with my friends, it just won’t work.

You’re crazy… Do not befriend my friend’s to get closer to me. Do not Facebook friend them to get closer to me, do not contact them when I’m not around to get closer to me. Do not do any of this, AT ALL. Do not read my notes, blog, and other forms of communication and always ask how this applies to “us.” Do not, not not not NOT NOT ever just show up at a place that I’m at without letting me know you are going to be there. I also should tell you that I do not respond very well to tears, because I just cannot understand why the person is crying half the time. I usually just have a blank stare followed by something extremely insensitive spewing from my mouth like, “I do NOT get it!”

Can’t take your ass no where… This is important for me because I hang around a very diverse network. Meaning, rich people, poor people, black people, white people, latin people, skinny people, fat people, light skin and dark skin people. If your ass is a conservative republican keep your anti-Obama comments to a minimum. Babygirl, we can Obama bash all you want in the privacy of our own company. (Side note, politics are an extremely intimate topic, people often forget this, especially in these current days when it’s so cool to be politically active.)

I can’t see myself holding conversation with you longer than five minutes… I could go on forever here, but I’ll just talk about one type of girl that just bugs me to no end. If I have to carry the conversation completely on my own, I’m pissed. If you are one of those girls who has to be asked a question to speak, I wish you would just die. See below:

Dr. J: What’s good?
Shorty: Nothing much.
Dr. J: Uh… ok, so how was your day?
Shorty: It was cool, you know work same thing everyday.
Dr. J: I know how that can suck, my job pisses me off to no end at times.
[deafening silence]
Dr. J: So…. Any plans for tonight?
Shorty: Yeah me and my friends are all going out to dinner in about two hours and then out to a club. You should come.
Dr. J: Really, where at?
Shorty: Plumm.
Dr. J: Maybe I’ll check it out.
[deafening silence]
Dr. J: So ok, maybe I’ll see you there. Send me a text when you are heading over.

Later on this night, I will have to text her to find out if she left. And you cannot text a girl once she leaves her house and that phone goes in that purse. On vibrate or loud she doesn’t hear it. She texts back at 12:30, “Hey, yeah we’re getting ready to get in the cab now.”

You just don’t have “it”… This is one of the hardest to elaborate on because “it” is something you either have or you don’t have. It’s like either there or it’s not there. It’s difference between your jumpoff and the girl you’d like to make your girlfriend. It’s the total package with the additional fringe benefits. Maybe you have a combination or one of any of the things discussed on this blog. The best way I can think to describe it is like when my good friend said, “When I can see the end before it even begins.” And even that statement only describes about 25% of “it.”

In conclusion, all of the previously stated types of women will be dismissed because they have no shot at making the team anyway.

Good day,
Dr. J

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