Morning Mail – 8.25.10

Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted: Cause I'm tired...
Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
(Source: There’s Something About Mary)

Jewish people always end up in the weirdest positions.

Have you ever left your job saying, “I’m going to get f*cked up tonight?” Isn’t that the best way to start happy hour?

Does anyone know where Hummus really came from?

I have a friend who finds it funny when guys ask her for her number, so no matter if she likes the dude or not, she’ll just say no. She’ll play them like, “I don’t have a phone.” She’s older than me. But it’s damn hilarious.

Who’s coming to Park tomorrow?!

I stay looking out for haters, traitors and perpetrators.

I wrote two blogs yesterday that I’m sure are going to be fire. I was proud of my work and will keep working to get better. Hard work has never been a bad thing for anyone.

I am actually really good at facebook, google, and tweet stalking. The problem I’ve never actually used my powers for myself. It’s just threw the tactics of other people who hit me up like, “Dog go on her facebook page and look through her photos and tell me what you see, she blocked me.” I mean, my friend, homegirl, from the Midwest was the one who told me about the club photo swindle. Those club photos will get you in trouble. Can’t tell wifey you were going to sleep and then #POW you’re on the internet in a picture at Greenhouse.

Guys are so weak these days. It’s like no secret to anyone why some men don’t have a problem finding a date and others can’t buy a date.

I think this lady at my job has on the same clothes from yesterday.

Who’s coming to Park tomorrow?!

RIP Aaliyah. Was Aaliyah light skin or dark skin? For argumentative purposes, there is no middle ground, so you have to pick one!

Trying to get this book out to you guys by next Tuesday. (Would it be weird if I counted all the hits I’ve gotten on my articles and posted it.

Life is good. God is good.