Morning Mail - 1.5.11

Dollar Bill: Stripping business started in Africa. Long time ago, long long time ago, white man went to Africa. And he saw all these bootiful black women, walking around, dancing, working, living, in the nude. Bucked Nakeds! You could see their public hairs. This white man went from village to village to seek out these bootiful black women, watching them perform, in the nude. TITTIES! Asses. Free. White man got an idea. He figure he go back to Europe and start the same type of business, taking away from our black women, trying to get them white bitches to dance the same identical way, huh? But to no avail. Wasn't no shame in our black women walking around BUCKED NAKED! So he went over to Europe and tried the same thang. Them white bitches told that white man the must bootiful words you ever want to hear in our profession.
Ebony: What did she say?
Dollar Bill: Baby, them white bitches looked that white man dead in the eye and told him, "Fuck that. Pay me!" Ha ha! That's why I get 30 percent.
Ebony: When can I start?
Dollar Bill: Immedjately.
(Source: The Player’s Club)

And that right there, this shit right here, is why Kim Kardashian is a smart ass woman.

I swear to you right now, I had an epiphany about plastic surgery… this has nothing to do with Kim K. either. Wait until Black people can afford that joint on the regular! See Black people used to be teasing white people for their parties and their club activities of going out and just getting wasted. That was because we was spending $3 on a pack of Black & Milds, $1.25 on a 40 of O.E. (Chicks got the Mystic for $2.25 – Peep that Black women’s drinks always been more expensive!), and recording the Hot 7 and 7 on cassette tape and having house parties. We was broke. Now that we got money, man we in the club more than white people. Now think about coke. Black people outside of like Rick James and Richard Pryor was too broke to afford that shit, so they never did it. Nowadays, shoooooot, you can’t go nowhere and not see some Black people coked out of their mind. Kid Cudi… Kanye West… Rick Ross… all your friends that be in the club until 5AM just standing there without any ill effects.

When Black people can afford breast augmentation on the reg, watch what happens. Ain’t gonna be no more Black women out here with fat asses and no breasts, they gonna get that fixed. And actually every Black woman is going to get a fat ass just be normal or something. Or maybe, just maybe, Black women will get ass reductions to start a new trend or something, because they are trend setters. But I tell you one thing, Black women are going to get nice legs, lipo and get rid of them I eat fried chicken on the reg guts they be having. Soon as they can afford it. You know how many baby mothers pray they could get a tummy tuck EVERY DAMN DAY?! Wait until Black people can afford plastic surgery all this talk about Coco and Heidi Montag is going to go right out the door, trust me on dat.

Is it plastic surgery if you take stomach fat and put it in your ass? Around here we call that recycling.

Smokey: Well round here, between Normandie and Western, we call this here a little twenty twen twen...
(Source: Friday)

That line gets me every time.

Happy Founder’s Day to the Kappas. They still stealing our hoes, I mean, women.

I find myself in the moodiest of moods on Wednesday.

Looks like my Niners have hired a General Manager. Shut up Vernon.

The Lakers won last night, the Syracuse Orange could beat the Detroit Pistons, but that’s neither here nor there.

I still believe deep inside that the reason Waka Flocka is the hottest emcee in the game is because he speaks to a part of us that we know exists. Maybe we should stop ignoring it. While I’m on the subject of hip hop, this Trina and Lola Luv bond is awkward to me. NOBODY ever thought Trina was a good rapper, she was just good to look at, and you know she probably slept her way to a deal. I can see the irony in her putting Lola Luv on. I’ve met Lola she’s actually a real person. I just wish she would go back to modeling and doing music videos. I would tell her that to her face too.

Think about this, MLK day is coming up. You know that DC does this better than anyone in de world. You should buy a ticket, heck buy two tickets and bring a friend.

Here’s a secret that most women need to know about Facebook. You want to know why he didn’t ever message you after you became friends on Facebook. (People believe that all dating is predicated off Facebook connections nowadays.) Because when a man becomes friends with you on Facebook, he goes STRAIGHT for the Spring Break or vacation pictures of you in a bathing suit. If you don’t have any pictures showing some skin, he thinks things.

As a man, let me tell you what I look for:
- Spring Break pictures
- Mutual Friends
- Does your weight fluctuate?
- You better have pictures with you and another dude in a relationship or hugging or something because if not, I’m going to think you’d never put up those pictures just to keep your pimp hustle clean.
- Who are your friends?

Life is good. God is good.

Question: If you found out that Heaven was going to be boring and there was no bar and you had to listen to hymns for the rest of eternity, would you elect to go to Hell. Now, Hell is a non-stop party, there’s a bar and various different stages where all your popular DJs can be seen spinning. It looks like Rehab in Vegas. And Heaven looks like a retirement home. What would you do? (I’m going to blog about this, so don’t steal my shit.) But let me see your answer.