Friday, February 18, 2011

Morning Mail - 2.18.11

Anna: We do everything that people who have sex do!
Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!
Larry: That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.
(Source: Closer)

Darius: I learned a long time ago to never ask a question you don't want the answer to.
(Source: Love Jones)

Closer was the most tragic movie I had ever seen when it came out. I sat in the movie theater after the credits rolled staring at the screen just wondering, could this happen to me? I mean, it’s a perfect example of why you should never dip out, but it’s also a perfect example that people cheat. Yes, we are slaves to our carnal desires. I believe that you either trap them, suppress them, or you downright just desensitize your libido. But believe me on this, the average libido just can’t stay faithful. That got me to thinking about my sex drive and while I won’t say it fell off, it’s not the same as when I was 18. If I had that same sex drive now, with this income and conversational skills, man…

Also, you ever have that point when you want to ask a woman like what went wrong? Yeah, not me. I purposely just removed myself from a relationship just because I didn’t want to have that conversation. Yep, I gave a woman full permission to not even count me in her relationship history. In my opinion, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”

She said, “It tastes like you but sweeter!” Not only did she say that, she exclaimed that.

Holiday weekend in Washington, DC. I got this feeling that Stadium on Saturday is going to be a movie. That’s why I’ll probably be at home, sleep. The key to a holiday weekend in a city in which the federal government resides … make it to Sunday. Likely, most people went in last night and woke up hungover. Now those same people have friends coming into town and they gonna go out tonight. Like maybe The Park, even though you might get stabbed, but they gonna wake up on Saturday … hungover. Now you would think that would stop them, but their solution is going to be brunch and there will be mimosas and your body’s denial that it needs rest. Brings you to Sunday and that’s why your body tells you somewhere around 8PM, “Listen mofo, you not gonna make it.”

There are some people who have the inexplicable ability to never say no. Well, I’ve learned how to deal with those people. Like back in the day, I used to be the biggest pessimist in the world. I just straight up never expected things to work out in my favor. So then people told me to stop that, it wasn’t good for my mental health. So I started to have faith in people again. Well … that leads me to my strong disdain for people who flake. Anyway, so there are people who can’t say no. They just hate doing it. For some reason I’m supposed to be, allegedly, indecisive because of my zodiac sign. However, I was blessed enough to be an only child, so I may not be able to tell you what I want, but I have no problems telling you what I don’t want. So it baffles me when a person just doesn’t say no. So I fixed that, I started just starting assuming that if you didn’t say yes, then you meant no.

And I hate waiting.

Here are some things you shouldn’t say to a woman when she tells you she’s pregnant:
“You blowing up, that’s good, fantastic.”

Totally unrelated to that, but funny as hell… what happens if you used to be with a girl and her kid has her lips? That’s got to be the funniest shit ever. Like, those lips used to be … LMAO. Nah, let me stop. Congratulations to all those who are pregnant, whether they used to or didn’t used to be with me. Good luck. Doesn’t it suck when you find out it’s 40 weeks and not 36?

I’m famous for this, “Given my circumstances, the best I could possibly be.” I use it to describe how I am, and it’s perfect. But also in response to this question, “Do you have any kids?” I always say, “To my knowledge, no. But who really knows?” People get a little thrown off, but I know way too many dudes who found out they had kids after they had kids. #seewhatididthere

It’s about to be hot and stuff in DC today. And it looks like I’m wearing this outfit tomorrow night.


Life is good. God is good.

K Street is the BOMB.

Baby Jackson is here, ladies and gentlemen.


Tunde said...

you're a libra right? for some reason i'm really indecisive.

my punk ass school is open on monday and even if it wasn't i still work on weekends so no 3 day holiday for me.

Trent said...

You're a Libra? No wonder we get along. I took today off. My University is open, but I really don't care because I took the day anyway. I figure it's pennance since my professor originally gave me two weeks to read a 450 page book, two 20 page articles and I was supposed to do a powerpoint presentation comparing the 3 in class. First half one week, 2nd half today. Well...she says to me, "oh, I just realized I'm going to be in California on the 21st, so I'm going to need you to present everything on the 14th".

I pulled it off, but I don't want to see her or that classroom until I HAVE TO next week.

One more thing. Did she REALLY say, "taste's like you but sweeter?" REALLY? Closer is one of my favorite movies ever.

I also think that some people are serial cheaters -- really -- once you get that first one out of the way, the rest are easy. It's a learned response, just like riding a bike. Later.

redlady821 said...

p.s. I don't know why my post came up as Trent said but Trent is a 17 year old that spent the night over my house this weekend and was obviously on my damn laptop. Fixing that now.

Dr. J said...

LMAO... yeah i'm a Libra. But RedLady821 that is the most hilarious story ever about your houseguest.

Theone said...

“Do you have any kids?” I always say, “To my knowledge, no. But who really knows?” People get a little thrown off, but I know way too many dudes who found out they had kids after they had kids. #seewhatididthere

I love this answer I will use it when asked