Monday, May 4, 2009

The Rules of Engagement

I preface this by saying, the following is just complete ignorance and a complete joke. So if you get upset about it, I’m going to laugh harder than all the fellas laughed when I originally stated the rules of engagement.

Women must speak up at the following points:

1) Once you are both naked. ( A pimp f*cks in his tennis shoes, so that counts as naked.)
2) Once the condom is in plain sight she needs to speak up if she doesn’t want to have sex, like she needs to say SOMETHING. Plain sight is like, OK there’s a condom on your dresser.
3) When you take that awkward pause to go get the condom, this is literally the second to last exit on the highway.
a. TIP: Sprint!
4) Once the condom is open, she better have a damn good reason for why you’re not having sex, because you’ve already done too much to be pulling that Lloyd Banks – Stunt 101 ish.
a. TIP: Rip that sum’bitch open as fast as possible. And then if she falters say, “I mean I can’t waste a condom.”
5) Once the condom is on and you are safely inside, Jesus better be knocking at that door. If Jesus is not at the door, you are allowed at least two pumps before you acknowledge anything she says.
a. Don’t go to jail nitwit! No means yes, Yes means yes. No combined with a push or a kicking motion means, “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” But you gotta let that woman go. And then you tell everyone on campus you piped in the exit hole and squirted on her eyelash. She deserves it! (Joking)
6) TIP: You can avoid all of this by putting on a condom before you even start messing around. Yes, flaccid manhood and all. Because then you’re already ready for Pumpington, Indip*ssy.

This is fact not fiction people.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know you're joking but many dudes need to know that a no with a push should be respected, and that's from experience.

At #6, I would trip if a dude pulled out his d*ck w/ a condom already on it... can we say desperate and determined.