Friday, March 27, 2009

The Real Talk about FwB: Friends with Benefits

I mean… what more can I say? Everyone these days is friends with benefits, you relationship fearing assholes. I’m going to step out of logic for a second and be real on the subject. I really advise against the situation. I mean I just don’t think you can really be friends because people will not want to share everything with their FwB. Like you can be my FwB, but do you really want me to tell you about all the other people I’m sleeping with? Can I really tell you that while I’m just having sex with you, that I’m really trying to see what’s good with this other girl who is wifey material?

There are a few way these things can end up for you:
(1) Someone is going to catch feelings. And when they do, they may not even inform you. But don’t front player, that ish is coming out sooner or later. And I got my money on at the worst time ever. For example, at happy hour you are talking about how you are happy to be single because you are free to go where you please with a group of friends. Your FwB storms out the room to the bathroom and returns with red and watery eyes talking about she has to go.
(2) You’re going to catch feelings. And when you do, damn homie… in high school you was the man homie. Imagine a conversation like this:
Bliggity: Yeah, so I think I’m starting to feel this chick.
Rod: Whoa man, you said, y’all was just f*cking.
Bliggity: Don’t you think I know what I said.
Rod: I’m just saying man, you over here talking about, “I think I love this girl.”
Bliggity: No I’m not. I’m just saying, I’m starting to feel the chick.
Rod: Of course you know this means that she just went from a chick you’re beating, to “the” chick you’re beating.
Bliggity: This why I don’t tell you nothing.

If there is anything worse than a guy who wants nothing to do with a chick who catches feelings, it’s a chick who wants nothing to do with a guy who catches feelings. Know your role and stay in your lane, chief. The best thing for you to do in the situation is wait a little while longer for her to catch feelings and if she doesn’t just step off.
(3) A misunderstanding of the rules because you have no expectation to set them.
Nakita: I want to talk to you about something.
X: Yeah, what’s good?
Nakita: Are you messing with somebody else?
X: Um.. why is that important?
Nakita: Because if we’re going to be messing, you can’t be messing with anybody else?
X: [hangs up the phone]
Ain’t it crazy when a chick who doesn’t want to be in a relationship wants to prevent you from finding a situation that works better for you?
(4) MY PERSONAL FAVORITE. When she realizes that she’s catching feelings and it’s not what she wants to do, she backs off. Then the guy is like, “I do not have feelings, so I’m not sure what’s going on. She said she doesn’t want to catch feelings, and I have not caught any feelings, and so I’m not sure why she’s leaving if we’re still on the same page.” I have no advice, I haven’t figured it out either.
(5) Someone gets in a real relationship. Damn Gina.
a. The real funny thing about this situation is, she’s going to introduce her FwB to her new boyfriend as just a friend. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s better to be the dude who’s got the girl, and she only goes to that other dude for a fix, or the guy who is meeting the guy who now has the girl on a full-time basis and occasionally is summoned to hit it, NSA (no strings attached). Trifling ass broads.
i. This is why I always assume that a girl that I’m talking to has slept with all her male friends unless they’re gay. And even then, I’m still a little suspecting. LOL.
(6) Someone doesn’t want to be in a FwB situation anymore, they want a relationship, just not with you. Damn Gina. That’s what your ass gets for messing with someone on a level that they don’t respect you as relationship material, Real Talk.

See the big issue here is the lack of requirement of communication. It’s not really like you have to talk about feelings, and so you don’t. Besides, who likes talking about feelings anyway. As much as people think that women always catch feelings, men are very territorial. So while he may not want to wife her down, he wants to be able to have her when he wants her and doesn’t really want anyone else to have her.

Here are the basic ground rules, in my personal, unsolicited opinion of FwB:
(1) Honesty is expected.
(2) If question is asked it must be answered. Don’t be an idiot and ask questions that you really don’t want the answers to.
(3) Periodically an honest conversation should occur about whether the person would like to be in a relationship. Not necessarily with one another, but just in general.
(4) Don’t be so sensitive. (I know I am just as guilty as the next guy on this one, I’m just saying lmao.)
(5) Understand that everyone has feelings.
(6) Most IMPORTANT rule of life: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. If you are thinking about doing something, think to yourself, “Would I be upset if she did this to me?” or “Since I’m going to do it anyway, how do I prepare myself for her to do it back to me?”

Lastly, and most importantly never ever… EVER confuse FwB with someone you’re just having sex with. But that’s another blog for another day. And after the summer/winter of the side piece is over, next week expect a blog on that too. You are not ready, Aye!

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