Brand New

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I have to ask, is anything I’m doing Brand New? Let’s go back to my freshman year. This is the first time I really had to use my Poker Face. Around the same time that I snatched the patch off my sleeve that said heart and put it back in my pocket. I wrote a poem that was called the, Miseducation of the Freshman. And the poem definitely won me a lot of slams because it was so heartfelt.

Excerpt:
I've fallen in love with you again
and times when I thought hate could win
you snuck back in

HAIKU
i tried forgetting
your kiss, smell, hug, skin and scent
i'm still stuck with it

my pillow soaked with dry tears
and my pen and pad filled with stories of my fear
of still loving you and still living to see another year
because the feeling makes me die inside because I can't have you
and it gives me a feeling of yellow, no green, no maybe just blue
because I can be afraid of you, but that may pass
and maybe I could be jealous of you, but that may pass
but the truth is... that I just can't live without you

I mean it seems like the shortest relationships can have the biggest effects on your life. I walked away that situation like, never again will I ever put a girl on a pedestal. Two years later I found myself looking at this girl as if she was the best thing in the world. And in many ways, I still think she’s all that. Was it that I fell in love with a person who didn’t feel the same way? Yep. And what did this cause? It caused me to think that it just wasn’t worth being “that” guy.

Don’t date these women. Invite them over to watch “Love Jones.” Don’t tell her that you feel better when she’s around and think about her when she’s not there. Tell them, “Our time together is our time together, and our time apart is our time apart.” When you see another option don’t tell yourself, I got a special one at home. Tell yourself, you never know when that special one will make you an option, so let’s get it. (I have to laugh at how many times I used to say, “Let’s get it” it was like my motto.) Don’t tell the truth. Tell as many lies as you can get away with. Don’t be honest to women when you realize they deserve more than to just be jumpoff. Until she figures that out, that’s her problem. Like Juelz says, “She loves me… but that’s her problem.”

This leads me to believe that most guys are stunting. It’s against human nature to always be out for one’s self. Something happens along the way and it convinces you to make a concerted effort. No man is born saying, Money over B*tches. That behavior is taught and intentional and deliberate. Inevitably what happens is you always find that the biggest assholes find themselves back with that heart on their sleeve. If it’s one thing I’ve learned at this point is that, the twinkling in the eye is not a reason to ignore the rest of the person.

I want the money, the car and clothes, the hoes, I suppose. Well, not really. I mean take it from me, and I mean this, you can have a stable, but you never going to have quality when you go for quantity. I mean the best women just don’t go for it. And to be honest I think most men busy themselves with lesser options because they can’t have what they really want. I know I have before. Men don’t ever stop looking for what they really want. And men are just as guilty as anyone for seeing past all the warning signs of an impending accident. It’s like you’re sitting in traffic and the sign says, Accident Ahead Take Alternate Route. And what do you do? Proceed and create a plan for how to circumvent the disaster because maybe she got a fat old ass. And when that disaster strikes, it’s Katrina or worse a Tsunami.

And what do you do then? Do you sit in the house and drink 40s with your boys talking about how women ain’t shit? Do you get typical and say, “F*ck that b*tch”? Yes. Do you, “f*ck everything that walks, or at least attempt to and end up f*cking the same old jumpoffs? Yes. Women rebound when vulnerable and then realize it’s a rebound and get rid of the dude. Men get brick and mortar and build a wall and turn, Heartless.

Sooner or later that same guy says to himself, “I’m really tired of messing with these worthless women. Why can’t I find a good option? That’s what I’ll do, I’ll play the field the way my momma told me to and get a good girl.” They start dating and calling, not just texting that same message: Come Thru. And word to life, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.” Blind to the reality of the situation, back at square one. “Lather, rinse, repeat.” – S.C.H.

So what I’m saying is, “Is anything I’m doing Brand New?”

PS – And this is why I’m single and not looking. [Drop the mic.]

This piece is respectfully dedicated to CBG who told me to be personal.