The Doggy Bag

I’m still sticking to my guns on this one. I don’t see how people can be in the club for four hours, it’s a rarity. I always thought it was like, hit the club for two hours and then… let me get the check, I’m going to take this to go.

Dude’s are always looking for the “doggy bag”. The doggy bag is a group of females that you leave the club with to go back to the crib or the hotel. Rock Band 2 has increased the propensity for everyone to have a doggy bag at the end of the night because nobody wants to go to sleep, they want to keep the party going as long as possible.

There are some keys to victory when trying to make sure you have some left over to go. The following are very important:
(1) No negative women allowed. Spot that chick early and if she is not expendable, expend the whole crew.
(2) Make sure you have numbers. If you have a crew of six chicks and it’s just two dudes, es no bueno. Call a few wingmen in, or ditch the crew.
(3) Kanye West put you on early so please be mindful, under no circumstances do you go to a sit down restaurant. Hit the drive-thru and go directly to the spot. In fact, most hotels have a late night menu.
(4) Most importantly, make sure one of the chicks… knows what time it is. The phrase, “I’m just trying to have a good time” means so much.

If you follow these keys to victory you can bring home a doggy bag. Now, don’t be stingy, don’t bring home a doggy bag and there’s not enough biscuits to go around. Even though she will have an excellent walk of shame the next day, it ain’t no fun if, what?, the homies can’t have none. (Aye!)

You have to have a designated light switch Sgt.-at-Arms. This is usually my man Cheney’s responsibility, because his timing is so great. Do not experiment with the music. This is not the time to play the new Kid Cudi. Your best bet is; Dancehall, Jay-Z or if you are South of the Mason-Dixon line, some good old Lil’ Jon and featuring. Real dudes know your best bet is; Jay-Z or Dream.

(Try this new technique: Have a guy at the door check cell phones. This is almost as clutch as having a pole in your basement. Check their phones and give out a ticket, they can pick it up later.)

When the lights go off… what happens here, stays here. Don’t talk about it, be about it, and never speak about it.

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“They say a bitch is a female dog, and a dog is a man’s best friend.” – Dwayne Michael Carter