Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Terrorist Alert Advisory System

I have some friends who have stalkers. I have some friends who are stalkers. I think every guy has crazy tendencies, and they need people around them to remind them that they might be borderline about to do something crazy. Have I ever done something crazy before? Yeah, but I was half out my mind and I’m so very sure it will never happen again.

What are the signs? (That’s a pretty popular question these days to Dr. J’s mailbox.) But what are the signs? We will now refer to the Stalker, aka Terrorist Alert from the above diagram. Because I’m not sure about you guys, but stalker consequences can be compared to terrorist attacks.

Low – Let me tell you how it starts. It starts with that dude or chick who will call you and then you hit the “F You” button. Seconds later, [bloop] you have a new text message. You are at level “Green” off GP.

Another sign is the pleader for company. When you try and turn down their efforts they exhaust every possibility to hang out. Peep the situation:

Devin: Hey you trying to hang out today? Maybe catch a
Michelle: Nah, I’m not really a movie person. I have some
errands to do.
Devin: Oh word, that’s cool. Well you going out
tonight? We can get up then.
Michelle: Nah I think I’m going to stay
Devin: Cool, well I got some Netflix movies. Want me to come over
and bring one?
Michelle: Um… yeah, let me hit you back in a few
(She ain’t calling him back until the Bills win the Super Bowl)

Guarded – Repeat caller. Upset when you don’t get back to them. You ever had a situation where you looked at your phone and saw that someone has called you like 27 times in the course of an hour. You ever get a follow up voicemail before you get a chance to check the first. If you’ve ever received a threatening voicemail or emotional voicemail, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Anyone who wants to have this much access to you, is minutes away from doing something crazy.

Where do we go when there's no help?
He figured Heaven, so he went
Ya'll know that ain't right
Plus, he was high as a plane that same
Shit, I probably been on that same flight
Shit, I probably had that
same fight.
(Lil’ Wayne – Trouble)
So yes, even Dr. J has had a situation like this and I had to assess this situation with myself. I was talking to a chick and I called her kind of late at night, I got the two rings and then voicemail, so I was like, wait a minute, how dare you hit the eff you button on me. So I called back, same thing. At this point, I was pissed so I kept calling back, after the third time, phone was going straight to voicemail. Now I’m pissed. What type of disrespectful bullsh*t is this?! (In all reality, the only reason this is pissing me off is probably because of the times I’ve done this to somebody.) So what did I do? I sat in my room and called every thirty minutes to see when she would turn her phone back on and return my call or pick up the phone. Yes, the next day I had to look in the mirror and really get myself together. I told y’all I was half out my mind.

Elevated – How did you know I was going to be here? I had a friend who I was speaking to on a Friday afternoon and he actually said to me, “I feel like getting on a bus and coming to DC and going to Posh because I knew [she] will be there and I want to see who she’s with.” Now… He didn’t mean anything by that, but as a friend I had to be like OK, you’re almost at the point where someone might think you are a bit stalker’ish.

High – Showing up without announcement and acting a fool. Demanding to be seen. I have a friend who was trying to win over a young lady’s heart. His plan was to buy flowers, candy and show up at her job with a handwritten letter and take her to lunch. I feel like everyone knew this was not going to end well from the jump. But he could not be denied. Imagine my surprise when I find out she would not see him and told the receptionist to ask him to leave the premises. You never just show up to a woman’s location without announcing you are coming. NEVER.

Severe – I have always said that some women really enjoy a little drama in their love life. I mean, if you have a friend who has been with a crazy, possessive, or any similar adjective boyfriend for a few months, something is wrong with them too. I see this situation all the time:

At a club, a young lady who is a little tipsy is making her rounds at the party, flirting with guys and such. Guys are guys and the rule remains the same, “It is not my responsibility to watch yo’ b*tch.” At some point her boyfriend notices that she’s a little too friendly with a guy in particular. He doesn’t say anything to the dude, he walks over and… (Now this situation happens all the time, but if you are at a severe level here is when a terrorist attack is pending.) This situation can go down three ways:
1. He can just be the type to black on his girl and scream at her in public.
2. He can be the type to walk over and grab her by the arm and drag her ass out of there.
3. He can be the type to go over there and Chris Breezy this chick, I’m talking feet in the air, knocked out. (I have seen this happen at least three times in the last year.)

Terrorist attacks can run the gambit. They can be as simple as screaming matches, however, they can escalate to Chris Brown and Rihanna levels, or even worse murder. You have to see the Warning Signs and get out or rectify the situation as soon as possible. And I know Dr. J just had this post, (
http://www.singleblackmale.net/2009/04/23/i-aint-going-out-like-that-really-yes-you-are/), but ladies do not hesitate to put a fool in his place if he is acting crazy and deranged.


Streetz said...

Genius. pure Genius!

Anonymous said...

word lmao

these are pretty accurate. some examples of these happened in my own life... most of which is with your friend. i will not say any names...

Anonymous said...

wow! I think I've never made it pass Low, definitely dropped the F bomb but I call once, then a second time after an hour or two has passed to leave a message. After that, if you don't call me back then you'll never hear from me again. I like to be chased and don't desire any attention or drama, my nerves are too bad.